I'm Angry and I know It: An Overview of a Difficult Emotion

For the readers who know me, I'm sure you'll understand my choice of image for this post :) 

Let's get started !

Anger. It's an emotion everyone who breathes experiences at some point in there life, probably at a fairly early age.When thinking of emotions, we tend to categorize them as "good" and "bad." Good emotions being happiness, excitement, or eagerness and bad emotions being sadness, fear or hatred. Anger would hands-down be considered a "bad" emotion by most individuals. But does it have to be? And who says we even have to categorize our emotions the way we do? It is my opinion that ALL emotions are necessary and important for human development and growth. From an evolutionary perspective, anger is used for protective purposes. We have been given the ability to feel anger to protect ourselves from danger or self-threat. Anger is a necessary and normal human emotion that can be used in a positive way if one just deals with it productively, rather than destructively.

Anger and Women:
As you're reading this, female readers, think about how you feel about expressing your anger. Historically, women were not encouraged to express anger for fear of comprising their "ladylike" demeanor. Stereotypically women are supposed to be the ones who subdue anger and react calmly and rationally to situations. Although society’s evolved a bit, I don't think things have changed too much. If anything, the emergence of feminism may have influenced women to go a little over board with expressions of anger.

When a woman expresses anger in even a slightly aggressive way, she is still taking the risk of being called a "bitch." Better yet, someone may ask her if she's “PMS-ing.” Fear of being stereotyped or criticized for expressing anger/frustration can cause a woman to bottle up emotions instead of expressing them in healthy ways, which leads to NOTHING positive.


Anger and Men:
Just as we categorize "good" and "bad" emotions, it seems that we do the same according to "masculine" and "feminine." It is socially acceptable to consider anger a masculine trait (speak out if you don't agree). It often seems that displays of anger are more widely accepted in men than women, at least in our society. This does not include anger expressed in illegal ways, which is a whole other topic. The point is, anger is considered to be a more aggressive, masculine trait.

Anger and Self-Esteem
Having low-self esteem makes a person more likely to be easily provoked and to express anger in unstable ways. When people with low self-esteem are angered they tend to take people’s innocent acts and words as personal violations. Everything is personal and even little comments can offend.  They also lack the ability to stand up for themselves, so instead of speaking out about their feelings, they bottle them up. We all know where that eventually leads….an EXPLOSION of emotions that ends up hurting people and destroying relationships.


Studies show that rather than suppressing anger or expressing it negatively, people with high self-esteem tend to approach their anger in a problem solving way, either with a confidante, or with the person who provoked it, or both. Instead of letting emotions guide, people with high self-esteem work to find the source of their anger and combat it in a productive manner.


Anger: Men and Women
I regret to admit that self-esteem seems to plague the female population more than the males; however, it’s an unfortunate aspect of all people’s lives. I would like to encourage both men and women to shatter the stereotypes I’ve discussed and treat everyone equally and regard all people’s feelings as valid, whether they are female or a male.


Dealing with Anger
I’m sure many of you are familiar with the term, “venting.” It’s a common term that the dictionary describes as a “release of strong feelings.” I recently read a study about venting, and how there are positive and negative ways to vent (as you can see, our society loves to categorize.)


Researchers from the University of Tennessee had a sample size of women fill out questionnaires about anger and found that the most counterproductive were “yelling, screaming and lashing out.” This type of venting not only influences the “bitch” stereotype but it disrupts a person’s physical demeanor and ultimately makes anger worse.


Another very unhealthy way to deal with anger is rumination. It’s the idea of continually thinking a thought or dwelling on one’s anger over and over again. Rumination is a word that comes from cows. It means to regurgitate partially digested food and chew it again. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR THOUGHTS? I think NOT!


So productive ways to deal with anger, according to the article and myself?1. Problem Solve – find out the source, and find out what can resolve this anger.

2. Participate in a physical or mental activity that calms you and stops you from over-thinking.
Examples: exercise, meditation, video games, talking with friends whatever it takes!

3. Discuss angry feelings, with yourself and if possible, the person the anger may be directed towards.

4. Use creative outlets: writing, journaling, drawing, music. Creativity feeds the soul!


Thanks everyone! Comments appreciated!




*If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot. ~Korean Proverb*

I'm Angry and I know It: An Overview of a Difficult Emotion

What Do Men and Women Want From A Relationship?

As you would imagine, when it comes to the major things each sex wants in a relationship the answers differ. I’ve talked to males and females about what they want in a relationship and what makes them happy and the answers never seem to match up. I’ve highlighted in previous blog posts that men and women are very different. Although we are all human beings, men and women differ when it comes to brain structure, ways of thinking and ways of processing. It’s only natural then for us to think differently when it comes to what we want in a relationship.

This blog is dedicated to the top 3 things men and women want in relationships, based on researching articles and my own conversations with people. I’m hoping this will help each sex understand each other just a little better in hopes of creating happier relationships out there!

Top 3 Things Men Want in a Relationship:

1. Drama-Free! - Men want a manipulation-free relationship. Save the drama for yo mama, ladies! If something bothers you, straight up tell him – don’t try to be passive-aggressive about it until he gets the hint. Don’t cause unnecessary drama where it isn’t needed i.e. picking fights about the little things. In addition, I think a major part of this is not over-analyzing. When you constantly over-analyze a relationship drama is bound to occur.

2. A Healthy Intimate Life - Okay, in case you’re wondering, yes, this is a watered-down way for saying “men want sex.” For couples not having sex for religious or other reasons, this can be substituted for just time spent one-on-one. But for sexually active couples, whether married or unmarried, a healthy sex life is important for both both men and women. Men just seem to put a little more focus on it than women. Intimate time with a partner is the way you communicate how you care for each other and hell, it’s fun!

3. Truthfulness - This last one was hard because this was a tie-breaker with “faithfulness” and a couple others but I thought I’d highlight it because I think it’s important. Don’t be a liar, don’t cheat and just be honest about how you feel, who you are, and what’s been going on in your life. A relationship built on lies is doomed to fail.

Top 3 Things Women Want in a Relationship:

1. Ackowledgement -  It’s simple: we want to know that we matter because frankly sometimes we forget and we need to be reminded. A lot of women complain about feeling super special during the beginning “honeymoon” stage of relationship and then feeling a bit neglected once the relationship enters a “comfort zone.” This is why many relationships don’t make it out of stage one! It is very important for women to know that they still matter even after the comfort zone has been reached. Texting, planning and calling shouldn’t end just because things aren’t as new. When we don’t hear from you we start to over-analyze which can lead to drama - which we KNOW you don’t want. On another note, things should still be balanced – it doesn’t always have to be the guy doing the initiating conversation. But it seems that women need the acknowledgment just a little more than guys so it doesn’t hurt =)

2. Understanding - We want you to understand that sometimes we just need to talk and get it out without you fixing the problem. Not everything can just be fixed up with a hammer and nails. Women are “venters” by nature and sometimes we vent to our significant others. I do recommend to women, however, to still vent with friends because a man can only take so much. We also would appreciate it if you would understand that we are women and sometimes we aren’t as clear-cut and rational as you are. We make the world beautiful with our emotions and our diversity of thought. That’s why you like us!

3. Affection – Affection is the equivalent of sex for men. We need it in order to feel connected with our partner. Women also need sex – we just don’t put a huge emphasis on it. This is why we often see women having sex to gain affection and men “faking” affection to gain sex. It’s all imbalanced. So maybe we can compromise a little and meet in the middle? And when I mean affection I mean more than just a couple kisses before sexytime. No tooting it and booting it! Is it really so hard to hold hands, kiss a little (even on the cheek!), or anything in between? I think not!

A final quote:

“What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.”

I think this is SUCH a powerful quote. Let’s strive to break the barrier of misunderstanding people! Not all men are “dogs” and not all women are “crazy”, I promise!        

What Do Men and Women Want From A Relationship?

Who is Better at Compromising: Men or Women?

So meet me in the middle well, come on, let's make up a dance and we'll agree to call it the compromise. – The Format.

It is a given that compromise is a part of all relationships. In order to dwell in harmony of sorts we have to be able to tolerate certain aspects of other people. Of course, I’m referring to the little things. There are some things that no one should ever tolerate such as abuse of any kind (verbal, emotional, mental, and physical). Compromise is about letting go of the idea that everything needs to go your way. It involves taking into account another individuals’ personality, opinions and actions. As the song by The Format suggests, “meet me in the middle.” So I was thinking: who is more likely to compromise in a relationship, a man or a woman? Or do we just compromise (or not compromise) in different ways?

When it comes to women there are a couple of things I have observed. Some of us compromise too much and some of us refuse to compromise. Unfortunately, both lead down a road of trouble and heartbreak. Women often compromise too much of themselves when they get in a relationship and start to lose their identity. It is so easy to get caught up in feelings for someone to the point where morals, values, interests and personality traits get compromised. 

On another hand, I think many women also have issues with compromising in relationships and while looking for a potential partner. In a way, I partly blame society for this. We (females) are bombarded at such a young age with these ideas about a prince charming coming to our rescue.  It’s almost as if we are programmed to keep "waiting it out" and not settle so Mr. Charming will come and sweep us off our feet.  Meanwhile, we can just live life wistfully singing and talking with farm animals (or dwarves, a giant tamed tigers,  Jamaican crabs…take your pick) until he arrives. And when he does finally arrive he will be EVERYTHING we want him to be: attentive, loving, in tune with his emotions, rich, faithful and with a great head of hair. Pfft. Right? It gets worse as we get older with romantic comedies. Don’t get me wrong I love romantic comedies as much as the next girl – but sometimes they infuriate me because I know they are just planting my brain with an idea of romance that isn’t REAL. I think that many women hold on to this idea of who their “prince charming” is supposed to be (ahem, Ryan Gosling) and they lose sight of things that really matter in a relationship.

It’s possible that some women consider compromising for “settling” which isn’t the same thing. We are told by society that we can and should “have it all.” And we can! It’s just important to have the right attitude about men and who they are and come to grips with reality on what a relationship is. Sorry to burst your Disneyfied, romantic-comedy-made bubble but relationships are not a fairy tale, they are hard work. We don’t expect our friends, parents or anyone else to be perfect, why would we expect the same from our "Mr. Right"? 

Men and compromise--I don’t have too much to say about this because I am not a man. But if I reflect on the way men are portrayed in society, men are definitely not encouraged to compromise at all. A "strong" man is one who sticks to his guns and does not compromise. A "strong" man does not need to heed a woman’s opinion or change any of his actions/attitudes for her. From my experience, men resist change on behalf of a woman especially when a woman is doing everything in her power to try to change him. I'm not sure why women do it but you'd think we would get the hint by now. I’ve witnessed men make compromises for the women they love, but on their own terms and their own time. 

In comparison to women, you don’t see many men being manipulated and changing their entire lives for a relationship. I am reminded of the Sex and the City episode where Big casually mentions to Carrie that he may be moving to Paris and doesn’t even consider her in the whole decision. If it had been a woman who was offered a job in Paris the first thing she would have thought about was her significant other. From the way I see it, men are definitely more independent which makes them a little less willing to compromise – but I think it depends on the relationship they are in and their level of maturity.

Men, what do you think about compromise in relationships? How much are you willing to compromise, if at all?

And females, do you think you tend to compromise too much or too little in relationships?

All I know is that I believe if two people truly care for each other – they can compromise on the little things to meet in the middle and make a dance of harmony on their own  =]

Who is Better at Compromising: Men or Women?

The Past And Relationships

Anyone who has ever lived has a past – baggage that stays with us in the present and determines a great deal of our personality. Although we try our best to learn from past negative experiences, they always influence our future by making us hesitant to take certain risks (whether we like it or not.) No one wants to repeat past mistakes, or go through heartache they have gone through before, but sometimes it happens because we don’t take the time to really understand our past actions.

There are many aspects of the “past” to consider. When two people start a relationship, it is a given that you both have a past and that there are people that have existed before YOU. Sometimes curiosity gets the best of you and you find yourself having long drawn out conversations about past lovers and exes. If you think about it, what really is the point of that? Is it going to make a positive difference in your life if you know more about what his/her ex looked like or how great or horrible their relationship was? No. The person is here NOW with YOU, and that’s all that matters. Unless of course they are verbal that their ex still matters to them – that’s a whole other issue. It really isn’t a good idea to get involved with someone if they are still holding on to a past relationship.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to forget the past, it is a part of our lives. So why do we even try to pretend it doesn’t exist? The negative things that occurred in the past occurred for a reason. We can take those occurrences, understand them, accept them and move forward. Bitterness and frustration over the past doesn’t go away overnight, of course. Sometimes it takes time for it to fade and to see a situation objectively, beyond just the pain you felt at the time.

My next thought is about revisiting the past. Sometimes people from your past leave your life for awhile and you find them back in your life again. Some people would rush to say that this is a complete mistake, and some would disagree. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it - I guess it depends on the situation. But if it’s something you feel is right, go with it. In situations like this it is important to take it slow – renewing a relationship takes time, patience and understanding. Making it easy to just “start back at square one” with someone just invites the past to resurface and continue the chaotic relationship you once had. Second chances are a beautiful thing….just don’t take them for granted.

One final thought:

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

The Past And Relationships

Compartmentalizing, Men and Women

So where do I start? Compartmentalizing. As a Psychology graduate student with the hopes of one day being a licensed clinical psychologist, this is something that I’ve heard about relentlessly in classes. It’s the ability to separate yourself from the issues in your life and focus on the tasks you need to complete, or in my case the individuals I’ll be working with. Compartmentalizing also refers to an emotional ability to separate specific aspects of one’s life from others in order to prevent dwelling on negative feelings or ruminating.

I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of letting a fight with a significant other or family member cause us stress at our workplace or vice versa. That’s because compartmentalizing is not easy at all and unfortunately it is harder for some people than it is for others. Although it differs based on the person, it always seems to me that men have an easier time compartmentalizing than women do. While women tend to think fluidly and almost constantly, men will tackle one thing at a time and have the ability to compartmentalize a situation and think about it later. (Damn you, men.)

Before I go on, I want to make sure everyone knows I’m making generalizations based on experience and research and that not every woman and man thinks alike. Everything is always subjective and generalizations are not always 100% applicable.

So first, let’s talk biology. According to a study in 2001 by researchers from Harvard, certain parts of the brain are differently sized in males and females. The frontal lobe and limbic cortex are bigger in females, which control decision making and emotional regulation. Men also have 6.5 times more gray matter than females while women have 10 times more white matter. Gray matter is full of active neurons, while the white matter is full of connections between the neurons. Researchers suggest that this could explain why the female brain is more complicated and may process information faster than males. Could this attest to why women have trouble compartmentalizing the information and emotions they are feeling?

Compartmentalizing is a beautiful thing if it is done correctly. It is a way to sort and separate all of the dynamic aspects of life in order to prevent feelings overwhelmed. However it is important to not compartmentalize to the point where the important emotions and feelings are lost.

The fact that men compartmentalize can be frustrating for women because sometimes we just want answers or we have so many unorganized thoughts in our heads. These thoughts, fueled by emotions, usually come out in the form of verbal diarrhea. Sorry for the mental picture but it’s true. I have found myself on many occasions saying things I don’t mean or mentally freaking out because I am unable to think rationally in order to compartmentalize a situation.

I’m going to personalize this a bit and say that the biggest thing I think I have feared as a result of my lack of compartmentalizing skills are that I will push a guy away because of my words. The lack of ability to compartmentalize on a woman’s part can send a guy running because he doesn’t understand that sometimes women freak out and sometimes we just need to be reassured that everything is okay and that he still cares. And it just gets worse because then we live with the fear that we pushed him away and we have to work on compartmentalizing that fear and stop worrying. It’s a vicious cycle I tell you!

One final thing…I read this article posted on CBS.com titled “Advice from Cosmo on How to Better Handle the Man in Your life.”  I have to admit, as soon as I saw “Cosmo” I was about to click the X at the upper right hand corner of my browser but something made me scroll the article. The final piece of advice given by the editor-in-chief is this: “He won’t warn you if the relationship is on the rocks.” She basically says that guys will not warn you if he’s not happy or if he wants to end things because he doesn’t know himself. Men don’t spend tons of hours over-obsessing over the ups and downs of the day you spent together.

"Men tend to let the little things that irritate them build and build and build without saying a word, because they don't want to deal with the whole relationship drama," explains Hughes. "Then suddenly, their frustrations snowball and they go into crisis mode, ready to end things." She suggests that if you sense that your significant other is acting removed, to confront in a non-dramatic way.

So my question is how do we tell if a man is just doing normal compartmentalization or if there is really something wrong? How do we know when the silence is normal or it is a signal that things are going south? This is why men call women crazy. All of this wondering has caused us to go mad!

I need to stop writing before my head explodes. I’m going to post this, but something makes me think I should have compartmentalized first?

Compartmentalizing, Men and Women

Consideration: A female trait?

con·sid·er·ation - noun \kən-ˌsi-də-ˈrā-shən\

4: thoughtful and sympathetic regard

So picture this…you make plans with a person you are romantically interested in and you are extremely excited. You have moved around your busy schedule in order to make time for this person so it is obviously significant. The thought of spending time with this person gives you that butterfly feeling in your stomach and even the monotonous tasks of everyday life seem more bearable. The day arrives and you greet it with so much anticipation your head is about to explode. About two hours before you are supposed to meet you get a call – no – A TEXT MESSAGE – saying… “Hey, sorry I’m going to have to cancel something came up.”

-------

Silence. 

Yup, I’ve been there – and I’ve felt like a big jack ass for getting excited and changing my schedule around to hang out with a person just to have them cancel on me. I think many of us have been there. But a weird trend I’m noticing is that this is happening to women a lot more than it does to men.

And it makes me think: Are women just more considerate than men in when it comes to romantic relationships?

And I know – things happen and they come up and blah blah. I’m not focusing on the idea of “bailing” on people or canceling a date because I know sometimes there are things in life one can’t control.

So many women I know have changed their busy schedules to accommodate their significant others while the men don’t give the same consideration. 

Many of us map out our life plans according to how it will affect the men in our lives. We take certain consideration for certain decisions because we wonder what will happen to our significant others. Or even the significant others we haven’t met yet. This may be due to the fact that we have that biological clock that reminds us of our limited time to get procreate, but that's a whole other issue I'm not going to get into. All I know is that in my career plans, I've taken time to really think about how this fits into my desire to get married and have children. And I think many women can relate to this.

This doesn’t just apply to women – of course, this applies to humans who have a ton of consideration for other people and don’t receive it back. It just so happens that most of the men I’ve encountered seem to be a little less willing to accommodate a woman in their lives. 

To be in a relationship, you have to consider each other, that's what it's all about. My advice to people on this is to not make changes in your life for someone who doesn't deserve it.

How do you know they don't deserve it? They don't give YOU consideration. It goes both ways.

To the men out there reading this – have you ever felt that you were extremely considerate of a woman and not received the same treatment?

I know we are all looking out for ourselves, but would it hurt to realize that an alternative to being alone would be to just let yourself accommodate a little bit for another person in your life?

Just a thought.

Consideration: A female trait?

Let's Talk...About Talking: Men, Women and Words

Alright ladies, girls, women – admit it, we love to talk and we know it. Based on my conversations with male friends and significant others in the past, I hypothesized that for every 100 words a female speaks, a male speaks 10. Then I did some research.  I found an article that estimates that women talk three times more than men do (Read More). The article proposes that women speak “up to 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man.” Holy moley! The article adds, and this gave me a chuckle, “Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat - and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices.” Ba ha! I believe it. 


Buzz buzz buzz.

I’ve come across some men in my lifetime who could definitely talk it up. But as a generalization (I do a lot of generalizing on this blog don’t I?) women tend to use more words than men. In my experience as a woman and with my female counterparts, we use talking to benefit our well-being. It is a form of therapy, an expression of emotion, a way to “vent” and so much more. There are so many times in my life where I’ve been down in the dumps, called one of my close friends, laughed about some inside jokes and my mood was immediately lifted! That’s also probably because I have an addiction to collecting inside jokes. ;)  

Talking is also a way of nurturing our minds without the need for coming up with a “solution” or a “fix” to the problem.  A quote from an article in Psychology today highlights the difference between men and women and the use of talking: “To a woman, the conveying of the "story" is as important as the story itself, but most men don't care about the details! They want to get to the bottom of things.” (See full article)

In my opinion, females are also experts at non-verbal communication - words are only a fraction of what we are truly communicating. Our voices, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, and body language tell how we feel or what we are thinking, sometimes more than words can possibly express. Unfortunately, non-verbal communication can be even more powerful than words and can be used in manipulative ways, which enters dangerous territory. And remember, just because women have this acute ability to non-verbally communicate it doesn’t mean that all of men’s non-verbal cues should be analyzed, because half the time (or possibly more than that)   THEY MEAN NOTHING. 

Alright, so we get it…….we talk too much ok? I’m sorry I can’t help it, I am a woman and I have all these words in my head I need to get OUT! 

While doing research on the “talking imbalance” between men and women, I came across some other very interesting research and came up with a conclusion: Men may not talk as much as women, but what they lack in words they make up for with thoughts about sex. 

Yup, I said it.

 Per research from the Kinsey institute at Indiana University, “54% of men think about sex at least every day, 43% think about it a few times a week or month, and 4% once a month or less.” In contrast, “19% of women think about sex everyday or several times a day, 67% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 14% less than once a month” 19% versus 54% - although its not as drastic as some have estimated (“Men think of sex every 7 seconds FALSE), it is apparent that men think about it a lot more than women do.

So can I propose a compromise? We’ll (I speak for women of America) accept that fact that you (men of America) think about sex all the dang time if you will just let us talk and/or ramble on about things you may not necessarily care too much about every now and then. I propose a little swap of understanding, that’s all I’m sayin! 

I’ll end this post with three thoughts of the day to ponder:

·  Men and women THINK differently

·  Men and women SPEAK differently

·  Men and women DECIDE differently

And….that’s a wrap. Thanks again for reading my little blog friends!

 Here's a funny comic to end the day with....

 

Let's Talk...About Talking: Men, Women and Words