Men are like...Rubber Bands?

I’m sure many of you have heard of the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray. If you haven’t heard of the book, you’ve probably heard the phrase. I recently started reading it after finding it at a thrift store and I figured I had nothing to lose for 25 cents.

He has this theory entitled, “Men are like rubber bands.” The idea behind this is that men pull away in relationships and can only stretch to a certain degree before springing back. He says that the intimacy cycle of men is that they get close, pull away and then get close again and this it is necessary for men to first pull away in order to be close again.

I’m interested to hear what other people have to say about this theory, (especially male readers!). I thought the chapter had some valid points but there were also some things I questioned. Biologically I understand the whole intimacy cycle and how it works with a man sexually. But does this apply emotionally also?

Women generally pull away for different reasons than men which is why women misunderstand them. I think this can definitely be a true statement. I think women sometimes pull away because they are hurt, trying to guard themselves or they are trying to manipulate the situation. Men are completely capable of doing the same thing but I think there are times when they recognize they just need space – which is something women can learn a lot from. Autonomy is a GOOD thing. Taking space from the relationship is healthy. It is great to connect with someone but losing yourself should not be part of it.

I do feel, however, that the idea of men being rubber bands can be interpreted in a very unhealthy way if one is not careful. The rubber band theory does not apply to men who are treating women poorly or manipulating them. This theory is not about being co-dependent and completely losing yourself so that you can be on his emotional time-table. Plus, how do you even determine that this is normal and the guy doesn’t just have emotional constipation?

All I know is that I think the idea of the man as a rubber band is valid – but it needs to be approached with caution. Next chapter in the book is entitled, “Women are like waves,” and boy am I excited! So be prepared for another fun-filled post. For now…tell me what you think!

Men are like...Rubber Bands?

My Hormones Are In Love With You: Males, Females and Attachment

Check that little comic out. Makes me laugh. Hardy-har-har. Only because it’s kind of true.

It’s an age-old thought: a man fakes (or claims) love to get physical needs met while a woman uses physical needs to get love.

I am quite aware this isn’t always the case and that there are exceptions to this rule, so I’m going to speak on what I’ve learned in my experience and those I’ve heard from others. 

Fundamentally we know this exists at a certain point: men want sex and women want love, intimacy and a feeling of closeness. I love how I used 6 words to describe what women want (which doesn’t even begin to really describe it) and only one simple word to describe what men want. Ha!  As a result of these desires, things happen, people come together and engage in a plethora of different activities, and as a result emerges the dreaded word……

 Attachment.  

You would think we (society, human kind, whoever) would have exhausted this subject already….but as I did some research and looked for related articles I really didn’t find much. I found many references to an episode of Sex And The City where Carrie asks the question “Is it possible for a woman to have sex like a man?” The episode portrays the four SATC women attempting to do this and conclude that physical involvement it isn’t quite the same experience for women that it is for men. 

I think it just comes down to the fact that by nature, (GENERALIZATION) men can compartmentalize better than women when it comes to physical intimacy. We are biologically different which explains a lot of the differences in how we process feelings and experience sex. I’m sure many of you know about all the wonderful hormon-ees (Yes, that’s a Big Fat Greek Wedding reference) that drive us to do the things we do. For example, the wonderful neurotransmitter Oxytocin,  also known as “ the cuddle hormone”, is released during physical intimacy, i.e. kissing, hugging, touching and the big O. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with this neurotransmitter. There are many others that I encourage you to read up on. You might want to start here: Read more!. 

To females: we know we get more emotionally involved than men, it’s just a fact of life. What fathoms me is why we are so compelled to act like men and try our best not to experience attachment? Why are we trying to deny who we ARE? A possible contributing factor could be due to the fact that we live in a society that is obsessed with sex, love, romance, and physical intimacy which obviously doesn’t help our existing desire to be loved. 

Alright, men, I want you to understand something: physical involvement for a woman CHANGES THINGS. Women like to pretend it doesn’t, but it does. Sometimes we like to claim that it won’t change anything and we’ll tell a man that all we want is a casual encounter. Then it happens and somehow our brain starts convincing us we want more or we start getting attached even when we don’t want to. So unfortunately, when you choose to get involved with a woman (despite what she says) the danger of attachment is there. So don’t act surprised, because I just warned you. I swear if more guys would understand and acknowledge this the world would be a better place. 

So is there such thing as “No strings attached?” 

As far as females are concerned, I think there are definitely ways of having casual encounters without feeling attached but it’s not easy unless you know exactly what you want (and you never see them again ha ha, just kidding?). So just beware when you decide to start a “fling” or cross a boundary with someone into the ever-so-ambiguous land of romance/sex/love. Your feelings are at stake and attachment can set in at any time. Above all, be honest with yourself and the other person and DON’T judge yourself if you make a decision to act on a desire. Finally, ladies don’t expect men to get emotionally attached at the rate you do, because it’s just not going to happen. 

Just know that once you feel attached, that feeling is hard to shake……especially if you have to continue being around the person or you see them often. So think twice (or thrice!!!) before you decide to “woo-hoo” (that’s Sims slang, you love me for that!), because a “Woo Hoo” can turn into a Womp Womp if you aren’t careful. Quote of the day ;)

I feel like this is not the last post I am going to write about this issue. 

I’ll end on that note and just say, “Until next time.” I hope to hear your thoughts.

My Hormones Are In Love With You: Males, Females and Attachment

Let's Talk...About Talking: Men, Women and Words

Alright ladies, girls, women – admit it, we love to talk and we know it. Based on my conversations with male friends and significant others in the past, I hypothesized that for every 100 words a female speaks, a male speaks 10. Then I did some research.  I found an article that estimates that women talk three times more than men do (Read More). The article proposes that women speak “up to 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man.” Holy moley! The article adds, and this gave me a chuckle, “Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat - and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices.” Ba ha! I believe it. 


Buzz buzz buzz.

I’ve come across some men in my lifetime who could definitely talk it up. But as a generalization (I do a lot of generalizing on this blog don’t I?) women tend to use more words than men. In my experience as a woman and with my female counterparts, we use talking to benefit our well-being. It is a form of therapy, an expression of emotion, a way to “vent” and so much more. There are so many times in my life where I’ve been down in the dumps, called one of my close friends, laughed about some inside jokes and my mood was immediately lifted! That’s also probably because I have an addiction to collecting inside jokes. ;)  

Talking is also a way of nurturing our minds without the need for coming up with a “solution” or a “fix” to the problem.  A quote from an article in Psychology today highlights the difference between men and women and the use of talking: “To a woman, the conveying of the "story" is as important as the story itself, but most men don't care about the details! They want to get to the bottom of things.” (See full article)

In my opinion, females are also experts at non-verbal communication - words are only a fraction of what we are truly communicating. Our voices, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, and body language tell how we feel or what we are thinking, sometimes more than words can possibly express. Unfortunately, non-verbal communication can be even more powerful than words and can be used in manipulative ways, which enters dangerous territory. And remember, just because women have this acute ability to non-verbally communicate it doesn’t mean that all of men’s non-verbal cues should be analyzed, because half the time (or possibly more than that)   THEY MEAN NOTHING. 

Alright, so we get it…….we talk too much ok? I’m sorry I can’t help it, I am a woman and I have all these words in my head I need to get OUT! 

While doing research on the “talking imbalance” between men and women, I came across some other very interesting research and came up with a conclusion: Men may not talk as much as women, but what they lack in words they make up for with thoughts about sex. 

Yup, I said it.

 Per research from the Kinsey institute at Indiana University, “54% of men think about sex at least every day, 43% think about it a few times a week or month, and 4% once a month or less.” In contrast, “19% of women think about sex everyday or several times a day, 67% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 14% less than once a month” 19% versus 54% - although its not as drastic as some have estimated (“Men think of sex every 7 seconds FALSE), it is apparent that men think about it a lot more than women do.

So can I propose a compromise? We’ll (I speak for women of America) accept that fact that you (men of America) think about sex all the dang time if you will just let us talk and/or ramble on about things you may not necessarily care too much about every now and then. I propose a little swap of understanding, that’s all I’m sayin! 

I’ll end this post with three thoughts of the day to ponder:

·  Men and women THINK differently

·  Men and women SPEAK differently

·  Men and women DECIDE differently

And….that’s a wrap. Thanks again for reading my little blog friends!

 Here's a funny comic to end the day with....

 

Let's Talk...About Talking: Men, Women and Words

Harry, you've met your match. Can we be friends?

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

I'm assuming that a majority of us have seen When Harry Met Sally. It's an oldie but a goodie and possibly one of my favorite "chick flicks" of all time.  If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you get a Netflix subscription immediately and put it at the top of your queue. Hell, go buy it used on Amazon for 85 cents because you’ll want to watch it again and it’s cheaper than a Netflix subscription.

When Harry Met Sally is unique in that it is one of the first films in its genre to speak to the idea of men and women being friends without romantic involvement. The film really captures the dynamic of a male/female relationship and how two people of the opposite sex can truly benefit from a friendship with each other.  I just re-watched it and fell in love with it all over again. There is SO much more to this movie than just the friendship debate, but I’ll just focus on that for now.

So, was Harry right? Is it impossible for a man and a woman to have a friendship without either of them developing feelings or being physically involved? Harry spends a good deal of time blaming it on men but I want to take some responsibility here and say that it goes both ways. Also, for the sake of a broad audience I don't want to limit this to just sex. Anything that crosses the "friendship line” counts, including unexpressed feelings from either party.  And to make it clear I'm referring neither to heterosexual individuals who are neither married nor in a relationship. The friendship dynamic changes once significant others are involved and that’s a whole other ball game.


Let's be....friends?
As toddlers you played together in the pool in your underwear, as children you accused each other of having cooties while playing freeze tag on the playground. Then suddenly, puberty hits and you are overtly aware that your next-door neighbor who used to toilet paper your house on Halloween and pull your hair in class is not quite as “cootilicious” as you thought he was. He's actually..........kind of cute, with his Devon Sawa hair cut and totally awesome skater shoes. Okay, maybe that's just my experience as a pubescent pre-teen -  fill in the blanks where you need to.
After this awakening, the game begins and the rules don't become quite as black and white as they used to be. This game - the game of attraction, dating, "mating" - whatever you want to call it, rises to the surface. The tension is there and although you can't quite explain it thoroughly, it exists and you've been aware of it for years. The effort to remain "just friends" with members of the opposite sex becomes a little bit difficult.

The Media
The media has an influence in our lives, even if we try to avoid it.  Thinking back to the days of classic movies, men and women were always portrayed in some sort of romantic entanglement. In the more recent years it seems that this theme hasn't changed very much. *SPOILER ALERT* Harry and Sally spend the entire movie trying to maintain a friendship and end up in love with each other!  *Okay you can read now*. Other movies come to mind like 13 going on 30, My Best Friends Wedding and Just Friends. I can’t think of one movie out there that portrays a male/female friendship without any romantic involvement (If you can think of one, PLEASE SHARE!). Television shows such as Friends (Monica and Chandler), How I Met Your Mother (Robin and Ted) and Dawson's Creek (Awww, Joey and Dawson...and Pacey!) portray friendships turning into romance and either resulting in a “happy ending” or a break-up while still maintaining the friendship. Unfortunately, in reality this isn’t always the case when friends cross the line into romance. So what is society telling us about friendships with the opposite sex?

Despite the media's attempt to control my mind, I'm still going to stay positive and jump on the bandwagon for "pro" side of this debate. I personally think males and females can truly benefit from friendships with each other.  The dilemma that exists now is....HOW?

Crossing the line...
     Without boundaries in any relationship, it is doomed for failure. So I think in this case it is important to establish boundaries even if it is just a mutual understanding between each other. Things get complicated when loneliness hits and a great deal of time is spent with a person - you start to wonder what "could be." It’s true that it could lead to the love of your life but ultimately you have to decide whether crossing that boundary is really worth the friendship you have. Once a friendship crosses that boundary to a certain point, it is very difficult to retain what you had with that person.

Controlling the tension
   I think keeping the sexual tension in check is something that the females can take a great deal of responsibility for. As Harry and the “It's Up to Us” Logo suggests, men don't always think with their heads. Women don’t always either but we have a little bit more control in the sex area. Generally, females tend to pursue romantic involvement for intimacy whereas men often pursue it for physical needs. So females, keep your heart in check --- and males….well, try your best. The failure to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” in male/female friendship can cause the friendship to cross boundaries and travel into the land of drama, awkwardness and everything in between. And we know how much fun that can be!


So...let's talk.
So how do we establish boundaries and keep the tension from exploding (no pun intended)? Communicate! Females are usually great communicators. We’ve been talking and expressing our feelings since we could formulate sentences. If you feel the awkwardness, start a conversation. Maybe a male who isn't used to communicating can learn a thing or two ;)

If you stumble upon a time when a boundary is crossed it is up to you (fist in the air!) and the other person to clear the air, make intentions clear and move forward. In the end, we are human and our instincts (among other things) may drive us to do some ridiculous things over the span of our lives. But that doesn't mean we say, "Okay, boundary crossed, friendship is OVER, ITS UP TO US, I READ THE BLOG!!”  The friendship can be recovered and let's just say, lesson learned? *Spoiler Alert Again!* We don't have to copy Harry and Sally's example -  just because they crossed the line and got together in the end doesn't mean we have to do the same!

*Okay read now….You really need to watch this movie if you haven’t seen it people.*

So now I turn it over to you - I would like to hear from you about your experiences with male friends (males, female friends?) and if you feel that you have achieved a successful friendship? Or, how a friend of the opposite sex has brought positive insight into your life.....or if you think Harry was right and it is a complete lost cause and we should all give up. ;)

Tag...you're it. Now give me some opinions!!!!!!!!

Harry, you've met your match. Can we be friends?