The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships

As you may have already noticed, I enjoy listing things. It is most likely because I use listing as the main organizational tool for my life (you should try it sometime, it works!). So to follow through with my recent tradition, here's yet another "list" blog post. In my preparation for a doctoral program, in which I would like to have an emphasis in Family and Couples therapy, I have been doing some reading in the "Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy." It's a 700+ page book full of details on all of the therapeutic intervention for couples. My old roommate and fellow bibliophile commented on my Goodreads.com update for this book saying, "Oooo page turner!" 

Okay I'll have to admit -- this isn't a book you read as you relax and sip a margarita by the pool. However, fear not! Instead of encouraging you to pick up this book and read it yourself, I'm going to summarize a portion that I thought to be quite informative and telling regarding why relationships end.

#1 Poor Communication 

Studies have been done on marriages over a long period of time (i.e. longitudinal studies) to discover what create relationship stability. One of the top two risk factors was communication (Karney and Bradbury, 1995). In another relationship study, it was found that relationship issues can be predicted many years before partners "settle down" or get married based on how they communicate.
This almost seems obvious right? If you can't communicate freely and effectively with the person you're with, how do you expect to grow together or understand one another? Unfortunately, these issues don't always become prominent until a couple has moved forward into a higher level of commitment.

#2. One of the people in the relationship is Woody Allen
He's famous for being an acclaimed director, actor and a bit of a perv. But most of all he's quite possibly one of the most neurotic people to inherit the earth. Neuroticism, or a continual display negativity is the second highest risk factor for a relationship. Lesson of the this rule is: don't date a "Debbie Downer"  - ha - no just kidding.... but it has been shown that a negative partner can ruin a relationship. It's been said that a negative person is rarely influenced towards positivity. It usually results in the opposite: the positive person being brought down to the negative level. What can I say? Misery loves company. Unhappy people like other people to be unhappy too....and if you can't stand the negative heat, get out of the kitchen. More idioms, please?

#3. Environmental factors
Two healthy well-adapted individuals can face a devastating event such as the loss of a child or a financial crisis and unfortunately, it can lead to the end of their relationship. Everyone copes with extreme loss and heartache in different ways, however not everyone in the world experiences this type of event. It's not something you can specifically prepare for. A couples response to a stressful event may trigger different issues and coping styles and it may change the way a couple interacts. For married couples, the phrase "for better or for worse" can sail out the window when something tragic happens.This isn't the case with all couples, but it is a definite risk factor.   

#4. Incompatibility
It is possible to have two completely healthy individuals that just aren't right for each other. One of you may worship the Los Angeles Lakers and the other may have undying love for the Boston Celtics. Either you work it out or you let it go. On a more serious note, it goes beyond differences like - "I'm a Republican and you're a Democrat." Everyone differs in their need for closeness and intimacy. There's something called a "demand-withdraw" pattern that is studied in couples therapy. It's a cycle where the partner who needs closeness initiates intimacy and the the partner who needs it less withdraws. You can imagine how that could build up frustration, anger, and rejection on both parts. This also relates to a person's attachment style and how they communicate their needs. In the end, unmet needs always lead to the destruction of a relationship.


#5. "Jumping In" for the wrong reasons

Making a lasting commitment to someone for any of the following reasons is a bad, bad idea:

1. You don't want to be alone.

2. You don't think anyone better will come along.

3. You've been with the person for long enough so you might as well "tie the knot" or move in together...whatever the step may be.

4. You want to escape your current living situation - i.e. with parents, roommates etc.

5. Your religion instructs you not to have sex until you're married, so you tie the knot just so you can "get it on!"

6. Your biological clock is ticking.

7. You might as well get more serious since divorce or breaking up is always an open option (DON'T BECOME A STATISTIC IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO!)

8.  For tax purposes (although this is a debated issue)

9. Because you have a child together (there's no rush!)

10. You want a wedding. (ladies.....) 

That's it for today. Thanks for reading! 

The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships

Dealing With Conflict: 5 Considerations

In my opinion, there are only two things you can do in

response to conflict: avoid it (i.e. pretend it's not there, ignore it, run from it) or embrace it. Sometimes, it may seem like an easier option to avoid conflict at all costs. However, this alternative can lead to emotional explosions, internal unhappiness and discontent, and hypocrisy. 

In case you still don't get it, let me spell it out for ya.....

Emotional Explosions: These occur when you hold in conflicted feelings for a long period of time. You continually suppress the negative emotions and days pass until *WHAM* something triggers you and you EXPLODE with frustration and anger. Sound familiar? 

Internal Unhappiness and Discontent: Studies indicate that internal unhappiness and discontent stems from low self-esteem and passiveness. When you aren't able to express your conflicted needs and face conflict in a problem solving way, the emotions just stay trapped within and there is no release. Who wants to walk around with all of that baggage inside?

Hypocrisy: When you have a conflicted feeling about another person and you express it to everyone else but THAT person - you are being a hypocrite. We are all guilty of this, however, those who avoid conflict are a little bit more guilty than the rest of us. 

So, how then do we deal with conflict? Here are 5 things to consider when facing a conflict that may possibly make the idea a little bit more approachable:

#1. CHECK your attitude: It's not always what you say, but how you say it.

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
- William James 

William James knew what he was talking about. If you're going to enter an argument with a sour attitude and the goal of putting the other person down with negativity, you're not going to get ANYWHERE. If you can't have a good attitude in the moment then take a breather and re-visit the conflict when you're better prepared to be open minded. That leads me to #2....

#2. Space is NOT a bad thing

 In my experience, I've noticed two additional classifications of people when it comes to conflict: those who "need space" to cool down before they re-visit the subject, and those who want to hash it all out "RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Being a "RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW" person myself, it's taken me some time to adjust to those "space-needers" in my life. Although I hate to admit it, space can actually be a very good thing in conflict. It gives the body time to relax out of the "fight or flight" mode that activates as soon as a conflict starts, and allows a person to think clearer. In the end, it's a give and take situation: the "space needers" need to reassure their partners that they will revisit the subject when they are ready, and the "RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW's" need to respect their partners request for space, and learn from that beneficial experience.

                                               

 NOT an example of a way to deal with conflict =]

#3 No Name Calling! 

Although it may feel extremely gratifying to call your partner a "big fat stupid idiot jerk (edited version)," it doesn't further the goal of a productive resolution. When you call someone a name, the discussion eventually focuses on the names you call each other instead of the actual issue. So when you call your partner, "a spoiled brat" or a "pain in the a$$" because they did something you didn't like, it is most likely that you're going to end up fighting about whether or not these names are true instead of the real issue. 

#4 Be Prepared to Compromise. 

I wrote a blog once about compromise. You should check it out here. Relationships are about compromise and sometimes you have to pick your battles. In addition, you will often just have to agree to disagree. 
The beauty of life is that we all have our opinions, experiences and feelings. If we all felt and reacted the same way, we would be robots...or cylons...or droids - take your pick on the nomenclature, nerds.


#5 Let conflict lead to change, discovery and learning. 
If we allow ourselves, we can be transformed by the conflicts in our lives. The way we react and respond to others teach us about our own feelings. When a conflict occurs and you problem-solve the situation, you are able to learn something new about the other person and hopefully improve your relationship with them. Don't just let conflict be conflict - LEARN FROM IT!

And that's all Melanie wrote for today...Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear additional conflict-resolution ideas and thoughts! 

Dealing With Conflict: 5 Considerations

Textiquette: texting rules for men and women

I've discussed the many forms of communication that exist in a former blog - read: Is Social Networking Ruining Relationships? Texting is just one of those many forms that has increased communication and makes us all feel "more connected." Unfortunately, it seems that in addition to a new form of communication, texting has also caused many other complications and miscommunications. This blog is for all the women who have come to me and said, "What does his text mean?" and for all of the men who have complained, "Why is she freaking out because I didn't text her back in 5 minutes?" This, my dears...is for you.

A one word text is NOT a text.

Okay, I'm not going to lie I've sent an "ok" every now and then when I am super busy or I am meeting someone somewhere and I'm going to see them in a matter of minutes. However, It is just NOT cool to send a one word text message to someone after they have sent you a longer meaningful complete sentence. Men ask why women freak out or assume the worst after text message conversations with their significant others? THIS is a main reason.

Let me give you an example of when this is okay and not okay.

Acceptable:

You: Hey I'm on my way I'm parking right now.

Them: Ok!

(Notice the exclamation point? See below on PUNCTUATION!)

NOT acceptable:

Me: Hey :) I hope you had a great day today I was thinking about you!

Them: Thanks.

This "Thanks" is basically telling me that you are not really appreciating that I am thinking about you and that a text back to me is just an after thought. Whether you want to accept it or not, it's the truth.

One-word-texting was extremely annoying back in the day when unlimited text message wasn't available or too expensive. Now that everyone has a "chat" style text message interface it seems like we treat text messages like instant messages. Which is OK - as long as you don't send a single text like:

"K" or "Ok" or "kk"

"Cool"

"Bye"

"haha"

"Alright"

My point is, if you're going to one-word it then, following up with a smily or an exclamation point...or another text. It really doesn't take that LONG! Think about the message you are conveying when you send a text. It's still communication, even if it's not face to face!

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with using emoticons or punctuation.

I personally think some men are afraid of using emoticons and punctuation to relay the "feeling" of the conversation. If you look at a text convo between two women I guarantee you there will be at least one punctuation mark and/or emoticon per text. Why? Because we are smarter. No - just kidding. It's really because we convey emotion and feelings through texts as if we were speaking to the person face to face. On the other hand if you look at a text convo between two men there will be minimal activity of either emoticons or punctuation. This causes an issue when men and women try to text each other. Whether you want to admit it or not, there is a different between "Thanks!" and "Thanks." What really is the harm in placing a little exclamation mark at the end of damn sentence?!

Don't leave someone hanging when they text you and then update your facebook status. It makes it obvious you are ignoring them.

 Seriously people, we know you have facebook on your phone and you are updating so if someone texts you, RESPOND. Don't read it, ignore it and then update your facebook status about some irrelevant thing you just did. Sometimes people just want a quick response to a dang question. Okay thanks.

Let's be reasonable about response times.



Okay so there are times we are available to text and there are times we arent. What is okay and what isn't?

1. DON'T Always expect someone to respond right away - people are busy and not everyone keeps their phone attached to their hip.

2. DO be courteous and respond to someone eventually. Responding to a text 2 days after the initial response is not okay, unless you explain why you didn't respond - and it better be a damn good reason!

3. DON'T leave people hanging. If you are in the middle of a convo then you just stop responding, what is that person supposed to think? You FLAKE!

5. DON'T overanalyze every text someone sends. If you are getting a weird vibe from them, pick up the phone or ask what's up. Half the time it's your own thoughts making you think somethings wrong when its not. <--- got it ladies? :)

 Bury your phone somewhere when you are drinking.

Oh the wonderful, amazing things that come through our fingers through texts when we've had a couple beers. If you don't trust yourself, give your phone to a friend. It's just not worth it! The only time drunk texts are positive is when you are out with your friends and you are trying to find each other in a bar while one of you is in the bathroom and the texts look like this:

You: Wherbddsa are you?

Them: I'm at the gogllool

You: Ilv u, i'm so dunk.

Them: Me too I fuxting need a tnle.

You: Wnats e up.

This convo may or may not have been a real one ;)

Last note on smiley faces....Don't be the most interesting man in the world, men. Grrr.



Textiquette: texting rules for men and women

Is Social Networking Ruining Relationships?

I was talking to my mom the other day about dating and communication and she told me that in her younger dating years there were pretty much only three forms of communication: face to face, the phone (A LANDLINE phone), and letters (aka snail mail). Not only that, but her college dorm had only one communal phone for use in the dorm hall. She had to wait her turn to make any calls and it was almost impossible to receive calls. I compare that to how things are today and I realize how drastically things have changed. Now, how many forms of communication are there? Lets count: face to face, a landline phone, a cell phone, letters (I miss these), emailing, texting, IMing, tweeting, instagramming, facebook, skype, games "with friends". I’m sure there are some I’m missing! I just counted 13!! Compared to my moms measly 3 methods of communicating, that number is pretty enormous. Since we have all these new forms of communicating, you’d think we’d be experts at it, right? Unfortunately, this is not even close to the case. Researchers are finding that although we have quadrupled the number of available forms of communication, the quality of the communication has not improved. As I reflect on this issue, I started thinking of some "positives" and "negatives" about the forms communication we have in this generation and how it influences relationships.

POSITIVE: Social networking makes it a lot easier to plan gatherings with friends, which can help maintain relationships.
Those who know me know I love to plan :) . Things like texting and facebook make it a lot easier to plan a group event or even a single outing with a friend because you can send a quick text or facebook invite to see who’s available. It also makes it a lot easier to coordinate! Cheers to the planners out there!

Survey from MensHealth.com

NEGATIVE: You have to see what everyone is doing without you. With features like checking in, we now know where everyone is all the time and sometimes that can make a person feel left out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to stop checking in. But how many of you have gotten jealous or sad because you were too busy to hang out with your friends then you get to see all their pictures and check-in’s having a BLAST on facebook and it makes you feel like doo-doo? Come on, you know it’s happened.


POSITIVE: It makes it a lot harder for people to lie, or cheat. Has anyone seen the commercial where the guy is on a first date with a girl and he is bragging about how he wants kids, a big house with a picket fence and wants to get married right away, and then she says, “Well how come your relationship status says, ‘Never wants kids?” I love that commercial. Shadiness is harder to accomplish thanks to facebook. Thanks to text messages, there is evidence to prove the douchebaginess of lying men and women everywhere! Muahaha!


NEGATIVE: A new way to be passive aggressive. You’ve seen it and maybe you’ve done it. You’re mad at your significant other and instead of telling them or calling them you post a song, quote or picture that is directed completely towards them. Cowards! As if we already didn’t have a problem with being passive aggressive in our face-to-face interactions….

POSITIVE: I'm at a loss.

NEGATIVE: We are becoming socially inept. I am praying for the future generation. Have you ever met a person who seems super outgoing, talkative and intelligent on facebook or texting, and then when you are face-to-face with them its like hanging out with a brick wall? All of this typing and written communication is ruining people’s ability to communicate verbally. We have learned to feel comfortable communicating behind the protection of a phone or a computer screen and so much is lost in the process. Non verbal cues make up a large percentage of what we communicate to other people. I’m sorry, but an emoticon does not take the place of real non-verbal cues. -_-  Angry Face.

POSITIVE/NEGATIVE:
We are being forced to define our relationships through social networking sites. Single, In a relationship, It’s complicated, I don’t give a sh*t. Okay maybe I do, because it mattered to me to change my relationship status on facebook. I would most likely be offended if the guy I was seeing didn’t want to change their status. What do they have to hide, right? Maybe it’s a good thing, because it allows you to take ownership of your status, and show the world you are proud of who you are with. However, it can get a bit annoying when someone’s relationship status changes daily.

NEGATIVE: Increased written communication can cause more arguments. How many people have gotten in a text argument with someone? BAD IDEA. Trying to communicate feelings and what is REALLY going on by IMing or texting someone never works because everyone types differently and relays information differently. I can’t even count the times where I thought someone was mad at me because of a text message when they were really just responding quickly because they were busy. If you have something important to discuss, pick up the phone or meet up with the person!!! Oh and another thing, don’t get mad because your boyfriend or friends didn’t “like” your status. Also, the number of people who comment your profile picture does NOT define your self-worth. You’re not better than me because you have 500 more facebook friends.

this one cracks me up!

Can you think of some more positive/negatives? How do you feel about how social networking is affecting our relationships?

Let me hear your thoughts!

Is Social Networking Ruining Relationships?

Let's Talk...About Talking: Men, Women and Words

Alright ladies, girls, women – admit it, we love to talk and we know it. Based on my conversations with male friends and significant others in the past, I hypothesized that for every 100 words a female speaks, a male speaks 10. Then I did some research.  I found an article that estimates that women talk three times more than men do (Read More). The article proposes that women speak “up to 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man.” Holy moley! The article adds, and this gave me a chuckle, “Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat - and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices.” Ba ha! I believe it. 


Buzz buzz buzz.

I’ve come across some men in my lifetime who could definitely talk it up. But as a generalization (I do a lot of generalizing on this blog don’t I?) women tend to use more words than men. In my experience as a woman and with my female counterparts, we use talking to benefit our well-being. It is a form of therapy, an expression of emotion, a way to “vent” and so much more. There are so many times in my life where I’ve been down in the dumps, called one of my close friends, laughed about some inside jokes and my mood was immediately lifted! That’s also probably because I have an addiction to collecting inside jokes. ;)  

Talking is also a way of nurturing our minds without the need for coming up with a “solution” or a “fix” to the problem.  A quote from an article in Psychology today highlights the difference between men and women and the use of talking: “To a woman, the conveying of the "story" is as important as the story itself, but most men don't care about the details! They want to get to the bottom of things.” (See full article)

In my opinion, females are also experts at non-verbal communication - words are only a fraction of what we are truly communicating. Our voices, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, and body language tell how we feel or what we are thinking, sometimes more than words can possibly express. Unfortunately, non-verbal communication can be even more powerful than words and can be used in manipulative ways, which enters dangerous territory. And remember, just because women have this acute ability to non-verbally communicate it doesn’t mean that all of men’s non-verbal cues should be analyzed, because half the time (or possibly more than that)   THEY MEAN NOTHING. 

Alright, so we get it…….we talk too much ok? I’m sorry I can’t help it, I am a woman and I have all these words in my head I need to get OUT! 

While doing research on the “talking imbalance” between men and women, I came across some other very interesting research and came up with a conclusion: Men may not talk as much as women, but what they lack in words they make up for with thoughts about sex. 

Yup, I said it.

 Per research from the Kinsey institute at Indiana University, “54% of men think about sex at least every day, 43% think about it a few times a week or month, and 4% once a month or less.” In contrast, “19% of women think about sex everyday or several times a day, 67% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 14% less than once a month” 19% versus 54% - although its not as drastic as some have estimated (“Men think of sex every 7 seconds FALSE), it is apparent that men think about it a lot more than women do.

So can I propose a compromise? We’ll (I speak for women of America) accept that fact that you (men of America) think about sex all the dang time if you will just let us talk and/or ramble on about things you may not necessarily care too much about every now and then. I propose a little swap of understanding, that’s all I’m sayin! 

I’ll end this post with three thoughts of the day to ponder:

·  Men and women THINK differently

·  Men and women SPEAK differently

·  Men and women DECIDE differently

And….that’s a wrap. Thanks again for reading my little blog friends!

 Here's a funny comic to end the day with....

 

Let's Talk...About Talking: Men, Women and Words