Is it Possible To Love Someone You've Never Met?

One of my new favorite shows on MTV is called Catfish, stemming from the same-titled  documentary by Nev Schulman, which is based on online dating. The most recent episode inspired me to write this blog post. I’m going to try my best not to spoil anything about the episode!!  

Basically, all of the episodes so far have provoked me to question whether its possible to truly love someone that you’ve only spoke to online. I’ve always thought that a relationship is not “real” unless it's face-to- face, and that building a prolonged online relationship could never end well, but this most recent episode made me think twice.


First of all let’s face it, we’ve come along way from AOL chat rooms. Online dating is a huge craze these days. People are meeting, dating and marrying the people they meet online.  It has become a legitimate way to meet new people! If I was single, I’d definitely do it. It can be beneficial for a person who’s extremely busy or a little shy.... or someone who simply doesn’t want to waste time weeding through all the drunk people at bars to find a diamond in the rough (some say that's a lost cause ha.) On the other hand, online dating can be dangerous and you risk falling for someone who isn’t who they say they are, as Catfish (or unfortunate personal experience) has shown us.

So back to my question, can you truly be in love with someone you’ve never seen face to face? Something that stood out to me in this weeks episode is the fact that Dani said he didn’t feel like the relationship really started until they met. However, when they did meet it was obvious the connection and foundation of a relationship was there and had been there for quite awhile. Maybe there are limits to online relationships and how they can grow, but it doesn't mean a person can't fall for someone they meet online before they've met them?  

 
I’d love to hear people’s thoughts about online dating, whether they’ve seen the episode or not. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you check it out!

 
This episode of Catfish taught me that love is found in many ways and it shows up in different forms. I will never again judge the way people fall in love and I will embrace the fact that two people can love each other outside of race, gender, culture or class. Thanks, Catfish.

Comment away!

Is it Possible To Love Someone You've Never Met?

Opinions on Valentine's Day

I’m sure many of you are aware (or attempting to forget) that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Since my blog is about love, relationships, men and women etc. I felt the need to write a little ditty on this quite controversial holiday. Last year, I wrote about Blue Valentine, the awesome movie with my man Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. (Check it out here!)


The following opinions are based on my conversations with people and my own personal experience. I’d love to hear what other opinions are out there!

Single People Say They Hate Valentine’s Day Just Because They Are Single

When I heard someone say this, I was single – and I got quite offended. I was quite positive that my hatred for Valentine's Day was based on the frivolity of the holiday and my feminist desire to be independent. I even convinced myself I hated flowers because they ended up dying anyway. However, after the first time I fell in love things changed. 

I think this statement might be true, at least in my case. I’ve had an ambivalent relationship with this holiday. I’ve hated it, and I’ve loved and I’ve exploited it – but I’m pretty sure that my hatred for it really just stemmed from not having anyone to celebrate with! I can’t believe I’m admitting this!


It comes down to this – if you’re going to hate Valentine’s Day, hate it when you’re single and in a relationship. Don’t jump the “hate” bandwagon just because love wasn’t good to you this past year. Instead, take the day to spend it with someone you love, it doesn’t have to be in a romantic way.


It’s A Females Holiday
Maybe we should just change the name of Valentine’s Day to “Women’s Appreciation Day.” Let’s face it, it’s a holiday that women seem to care more about than men. I don’t think its completely our fault either – everything about the advertising for this holiday is geared towards women. We are bombarded with female oriented colors (PINK!!!), ads for jewelry and flowers, and commercials with half naked Victoria Secret models telling us to “show me you love me” by buying lingerie. No wonder women get so crazy about this holiday!


I’m not trying to blame society. Okay maybe I am. Either way, it wouldn’t hurt men to buy us some beautiful flowers once a year. It’s the least they can do because we give birth and menstruate once a month and we are still considered minorities. So suck it up and buy us something pretty!

While men may need to suck it up, women also need to step up to the plate. Valentine's Day shouldn't be a one sided affair where all the pressure is put on men to think of something extremely romantic and take their partner's breath away. Why is it up to a man to amaze a women with his romantic gestures? Females can also be romantic and show their appreciation for their partner. They can...and they SHOULD. If you plan on celebrating the holiday, honor it by showing someone you care and not expecting them to do all the work.

Note: This is why most men hate V-day. Females who expect alot and don't give in return. Give, and you shall receive!

 It’s a Greeting Card Holiday

Valentine’s Day is 100%, without question, a greeting card holiday. Unfortunately, like most holidays in the U.S., it originated as something completely different than what it is today. The origin isn’t even completely decided on (Read About it! Click Here). We know it is based on St. Valentine and the actual date was declared in the Middle Ages. What troubles me is that it started out with people writing hand written notes and exchanging small gifts to show each other they care and now it’s been exploited by commercialism and greed. What else is new? Consider St. Patricks Day: it started as an Irish holiday and now it’s an excuse for bars to charge a $20 cover just so people can get in and wear green beads and spend extra money getting drunk on green beer.

If Valentine’s Day is a greeting card holiday then St. Patrick’s Day is a bar holiday and Christmas is a department store holiday and Halloween is a random-costume-store-that-only- opens-up-once-a-year holiday. Let’s face it, ALL of our holidays are exploited. Why do we hate V-Day but still go out and spend money for all the other holidays?


It Was Fun in Elementary School

I LOVED Valentine’s Day in Elementary School. Everyone was required to give every single person in the class a Valentine so no one was left out. Plus, we got to spend almost an entire day doing fun activities and having a party with cupcakes and candy! What kid wouldn’t love that? I remember spending an hour in Target trying to figure out which Valentine cards to get: Star Wars themed or Polly Pocket? I was a gender conflict child. If only Valentine’s Day was as fun as it was in elementary school. Sigh.


Valentine’s Day Can Be Fun Whether You’re Single or In A Relationship

I respect everyone’s decision on this holiday, whether you hate it, love it or just don’t care. Just know that you can have fun with it no matter what your status is. Don’t let society make you feel bad because you don’t have a Valentine this year. Instead, get your fellow singles together and go out! It’s about love so find someone you love and tell them how you feel. Hey you might even get lucky and find a bar to go to where there is a raffle for a free breast augmentation in honor of St. Valentine . Yes, there’s a story behind that (and it's a good one), but my lips are sealed.

Opinions on Valentine's Day

Why Men May Or May Not Love Bitches

As an aspiring clinical psychologist and therapist who desires to focus on relationship/sex therapy I have taken it upon myself to do some independent research in the field. Part of this research has required me to read some books that can be found in the “Self-Help” section of the book store. Let me tell you, as a former English major I never thought I’d find myself in this section. My book shelf was formerly full of classic novels, post-modern poetry and books on literary theory and now it is packed with self help and psychotherapy books. Who would have known?


As I first skimmed the “Self-Help” aisle a certain title caught my eye: “Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.” Definitely unconventional, so I decided to give it a try. As you’ll see in this post, I have a bit of a mixed review on this book – but that didn’t stop me from buying a copy for all of my girlfriends. :)


My biggest problem with this book is the term, Bitch. I am not going to lie; I am guilty of calling my friends bitch as a joke on a regular basis, even though it has very negative connotations. Somehow this word that used to be defined as female dog came to mean a negative, rude, jerk of a woman who is possibly PMS-ing. Then, magically the word transformed its meaning to become a term of endearment among women of today. I have no idea how it happened, but being a “bitch” these days isn’t always a bad thing.

I’m a walking contradiction, because although I’ve used it as a joke with my friends, I don’t necessarily feel comfortable with just anyone calling me a “bitch,” ESPECIALLY a man. Despite how much wisdom this book has to offer women that are “too nice,” I still don’t feel comfortable with the idea that I have to call myself a “bitch” to keep a man around. The author does explain that the word “bitch” in the title “does not take itself too seriously” in the introduction and that it is supposed to represent the tongue-in-cheek humorous tone of the book. I didn’t really feel like this resonated throughout the book and I think this same wisdom could have been used with different terminology. However, I’m pretty sure that the title is what made this book sell in the first place so I’ll leave it alone.


So what is a “bitch” that is loved by men? She is “kind, yet strong. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man.” Sounds good to me, but I still ain’t a bitch!


Another term the author uses is being the “dumb fox” which I REALLY do not like, especially since I am a major promoter of education. She poses the idea that men like to be right (but doesn’t everybody?) so in order to “handle his ego” we have to use the three words that will turn any man on: “You are Right.” But what if he is DEAD WRONG? Sweetie, NO! Not happening. If a guy is right and I am aware of it, I’ll admit it. However, if he’s completely wrong and this is an important issue to me I’ll just agree to disagree. If it is a trivial subject that really isn’t worth the argument, learn to let it go. Just as I ain’t a bitch, I AIN’T A DUMB FOX!


Okay, now that I’ve established my problems with the book, I do want to highlight some AWESOME wisdom this book as to offer. This book is actually worth reading for women who have had some issues standing up for themselves in the romance game or gotten walked all over by a member of the opposite sex. So here they are:


Attraction Principle #23: (59)

"Before Sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a women is thinking clearly. After sex it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t." (Want more? Read this blog post: "My Hormones Are In Love With You"

 Attraction Principle #43 (103)

"If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner." (i.e. Don’t stop all the normal things you do in life, that you ENJOY, just because a man has entered your life. He is part of your life, not your ENTIRE life.)


Attraction Principle #44 (104)

"Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give themselves." (AMEN!)


And finally...
 “The bitch is not governed by fear of losing a man, because she knows the real price to pay is when she loses herself.”


This is only a tiny sliver of what this book has to offer. I would definitely encourage any woman to read this book, despite some of the terminology. You can find it on Amazon for a reasonable price!


If anyone has read this book or has an opinion to share I would LOVE to hear it so please comment the blog or facebook! Thanks!



and finally....

Why Men May Or May Not Love Bitches

The Power of Time And Human Resilience

There are two things I know about time and human resilience – we underestimate their power and strength.

Let’s start with time. We don’t realize it, but it’s our best friend. Time (and space) from certain things allow us to think clearer and figure out what we truly want. I have to disclose that I’m speaking from personal experience at the moment.

What humans don’t realize is that by giving things time we allow ourselves to find out how we really feel. I just recently watched a documentary called, This Emotional Life, which is about the different aspects of emotions in the human experience. If you haven’t heard of it, check it out! It’s on Netflix Instant Play!

In one of the sections of the documentary, a study was portrayed in which a group of individuals were asked to choose between having only food or water if they were lost for two days. They asked two different groups of people: one group was asked after they exercised and the other group was asked before they exercised. The results showed that a majority of the people who were asked after exercising said water but most of the people who were asked before exercising said food.

How do they interpret these results? People who were asked after exercising were thirsty, so they chose water. That’s pretty obvious right? The scientists in the documentary basically explained that our brains think of the future and how we will feel in the future based on how we feel in the present. Therefore since these people felt thirsty at the time they were asked, they thought they would also feel thirsty in the future, so they answered “water.”

It comes down to this: our brains can’t believe that we might feel differently than we do now. So when we feel sad, broken hearted, in pain, happy, joyful – it’s like our brains think this is how we are always going to feel. I think this applies the most to sadness and broken hearts. We seem to forget when we are sad or depressed that in time we will heal and feelings will change.

There was also a term called “Hedonic adaptation” that was stated in the documentary. It’s the idea that human beings get accustomed to adapting to positive changes. It explains why we end up buying more and more “things.” I can definitely relate – I remember how excited I was for the Iphone 3GS and now that I’ve had it for a year and a half all I can think about it is getting a better version. I’m sure many of you can relate. I think that this can be applied to resilience and allowing time to heal our sadness. Our hearts will always heal with time and eventually, positive changes will come about even if we don’t want them to, and slowly we will adapt and the sadness will fade.

Whether you need to clear your head, heal your heart or “figure things out” – taking time and space for yourself is always your best bet.

If you take anything out of the post I want it to be this quote:

We overestimate the duration of emotions and underestimate our capacity to adapt.

Thank you.

The Power of Time And Human Resilience

Valentine Blues ♥

Some of you may be aware of the indie film out, Blue Valentine featuring Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling (!!!!).  I definitely recommend this film for people who can handle a movie with some sadness and a little raw emotion. Besides the phenomenal acting performances, the plot provoked a great deal of thought in me regarding relationships.                                         

I'm not going to give any spoilers, but the overall plot of the film portrays the romantic relationship between two individuals. Parallel stories about their relationship are going on within the film, one that is very happy and hopeful and another that is tragic and heartbreaking. I was thinking about why I loved the film so much and it led to me to think back on how I asked “It’s Up to Us!” blog readers whether they thought it was worth it to love someone and lose than to never have loved in the first place.

As I watched some of the happy and hopeful scenes of the film I felt this sense of satisfaction and joy in watching two people fall in love and connect in this enormous way. The experience of connecting with someone, being completely on the same level and knowing that this feeling is reciprocated is one of the greatest experiences a human being can have, in my opinion. Then while watching the scenes where the relationship began to destruct, all I could think was, "All of this pain they are feeling right now....it is worth going through."

It's just worth it - the pain, the anger, and the frustration in realizing that you've changed or they have changed, or that you just don't feel the same, or that things aren't going to work out…or that you just aren't meant to be.
The time you spent with that person isn't wasted time, because you experienced unique happiness with that person that is important to your life story. So maybe it's time for us to focus on the positive time spent with a person rather than the fact that the relationship didn't finish with a "happy ending." Appreciate it for what it is.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

There is a quote in the film where Michelle Williams' character asks her grandmother how anyone can know if their love will last? “How will you know if your feelings for a person won't fade?” And her grandmother replies by saying that there is no way to know. The only way to know is to have the feelings.

I think that paraphrases what the movie is all about and it's up to us as the viewers to decide whether we think it was worth it or not and apply that to our attitude about our own experience. We can look at it positively or negatively, it's all "Up to us" (!).

And I think I'm going to give "positive" a try......

I encourage you all today on Valentine’s Day to embrace this day for the sake of love, whether you are single or in a relationship. Ignore the annoying commercials and overpriced greeting cards. Celebrate the love you have in your life the way YOU want to!

Have a wonderful day!  ♥

Valentine Blues ♥

+ [plus] a boy[girl]friend… - [minus]friends. Do the math.

So I’m gonna get straight to the question I’m pondering: when two people “couple up,” whether it’s getting hitched or dating exclusively, why does it seem like they forget about their friends?

I’ve been guilty of it and I’m sure many other have too. But why does it happen?

 Three arguments come to mind – I don’t necessarily believe all three but I think that I’ve definitely thought about them at one point or another.

Romantic relationships are more important to us than friendships.

How much more emphasis is there in our society on relationships than friendships? If I try to think of 5 love songs off the top of my head I can easily, but I struggle to do the same for songs about friendships. Face it people, we love love. It gives us a thrill that cannot compete with the satisfaction a friend gives us, not to mention other physical benefits that come with romantic relationships.

From an evolutionary perspective, romantic relationships are more desirable because they satisfy our need to procreate and further our species. Friendships don’t really have an evolutionary purpose if you really think about it.

Romantic relationships take more effort than friendships, so when someone enters one they end up losing friends in order to make up for the time they need to maintain their new relationship.

I read an article about a news report from the British Science Festival where they figured when a person (this goes for both men and women) adds a new relationships they drop 2 friends (read the article for more info). They attribute this loss to the limited ability of human beings to maintain a certain amount of close relationships in their life at a time. So maybe our brains just cannot manage a significant other and keep all the friends they had when they were single.

Friendships are just fillers for what we really want: romance.

If this is true, I will cry. Because friends are really important to me and I don’t want to think of them as “fillers.” But I’ve been guilty of losing friends when gaining a significant other so I can’t really point any fingers at people. All I know is that I’m going to try my best to not do it again. C.S. Lewis brilliantly describes friendship in his book The Four Loves as a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. We need people in our lives who can share our interests besides our significant others. Plus, what are the odds that the person we couple with has all the same interests as us?

My thoughts of the day:

•  Friends are IMPORTANT. For single people and for people in relationships. When you isolate yourself in a relationship with another person you lose touch with reality. Friends make you live longer. So get out of your rabbit hole and remember that there are other people in the world other than your significant other.

•  If you lose your friends while in a relationship and then expect them to be there when you break up, you’re an idiot.
  
•  Keeping in touch with people really isn’t that hard, especially now that we have facebook, texting, cell phones, email….we really have no excuse for losing touch except that we are lazy.

It’s hard to find good friends people, so cherish the ones you have.

+ [plus] a boy[girl]friend… - [minus]friends. Do the math.

To Love or Not to Love? Pt. 2: When Love Goes Wrong.

"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."
- W.H. Auden

I have to admit, immediately after I posted my "love" inspired blog I started to feel very negative about the whole idea. I started thinking about the rising divorce rate and all of the unhappiness I've seen in relationships lately and I started to think, 'Okay why do I love love? Am I a MASOCHIST?!" Then I had a conversation with my dear friend from school Alexis and she brought up oxytocin and I said that I hated it (as if it was an actual physical thing I could touch) and I wanted to punch oxytocin in the face.

Haha. Okay, so I need to calm down and realize that my urge to punch an intangible neurotransmitter is not going to satisfy my frustration toward love. In my effort to do that I'm going to write about the love that doesn’t conclude with a happy ending.

We are all aware that sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes love ends....it fades, people lose interest, they don't see one another in their future, or infidelity exists. Unfortunately sometimes when love ends we feel like it is a waste of time to love at all.

Sometimes frankly, love sucks the royal weenie.

Males and females experience life differently so it's only rational that they experience and deal with break-ups differently. Of course, there are certain universal coping mechanisms we all employ to get through breakups, but how are they manifested between the two sexes?

The first thing that came to mind is that women definitely take break-ups harder than men do. I guess this is a generalization from my own experience and what I've seen from friends. Women tend to deal with it emotionally - crying, eating, spending time to vent with girlfriends and many bottles of wine,  sitting at home in sweats eating ice cream from the container (or better yet, getting a giant bag peanut butter M&M's while watching re-runs of Sex and The City!!!). On the contrary, it seems that the men I know have dealt with their breakups by not talking about it all, hitting the bar with friends and picking up "chicks," or pretending nothing happened and not expressing their emotions on the break-up.

This is even a concept that is shown in the media with breakups - You rarely ever see a man on TV shows or movies in his pjs cuddled up in bed with food eating his feelings, right? It’s always a woman doing that!

So I started searching and I found over 10 articles saying that men suffer more after breakups than women do. Say WHAT?

Research was done by sociologists at Wake Forest University and the University of Florida based on 1,600 responses from unmarried men and women between the ages of 18 to 23. They found that break-ups hurt men's self-esteem more than women's self-esteem because men don't talk to their friends as much as women do, which leads to a sense of isolation and more loneliness.

The researchers also found that while young men are more affected by the quality of a current relationship, young women are more emotionally affected by whether or not they are in a relationship (Read More).

So arguments for this? I mean men out there, do you feel like break-ups were hard for you but you had no one to talk about them to?
Why does it seem like so many men have no emotions when it comes to break-ups but some have ALL these emotions? I guess it goes the same with women.....

I think that – as I always say, it’s partially the way our society is and the way we are genetically constructed. Men are not encouraged cry to each other or talk about their feelings or emotions because if they do it’s crossing a boundary of “manliness” that must NOT BE CROSSED! And don’t deny it men, because I have seen it first-hand.

I just want men out there to know – hey you can talk about it. It’s OKAY to feel sometimes. And if you can’t talk to your guy friends, talk to a girl because they’ll understand. I hope.

So lend me your thoughts, who do you think break-ups are harder on, males or females?

To Love or Not to Love? Pt. 2: When Love Goes Wrong.

To Love or Not to Love: That is the Question?

 

Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

All you need is Love?

If you don't recognize the reference, and you haven't figured it out by the picture, it’s from Moulin Rouge, one of my all time favorite musicals in the history of the UNIVERSE!

What is this musical about, you ask?

One word: Love.

The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love, and be loved in return. (Moulin Rouge AND the legendary Nat King Cole)

Despite my slightly pessimistic nature and my occasional frustration with the opposite sex I have to admit that I am a believer in love. A hopeless romantic. I love love. I love being in love and I don't care what it does to me. (Thank you, The Format!).

What I've been contemplating lately though is....why? And what is love anyway, except just another four letter word?

Romantic love has been defined in so many contexts: to name a few, scientific, religious, philosophical....

So who is right? Or are all they all right?

The scientific view of love stems from reproduction. Humans were made to mate and we want to mate with the best person possible to make sure our offspring survives. Scientists have studied certain aspects of the senses that draw one another together. Studies on pheromones have established that identifying a partner's smell can drawn one to that person. There are also certain body shapes and physical traits that are linked to fertility (broad hips or large breasts for women and broad chest and shoulders for men or a deep voice). All of these things that attract people to each other lead to the actual experience of spending time with each other and forming an attachment. This attachment is formed through oxytocin, which if you've read my previous blog posts you are familiar with. Oxytocin is the attachment hormone - the all-powerful hormone that is used in many human interactions. It helps in forming an attachment between partners in an intimate relationship and creates an everlasting bond between mother and a child. However, oxytocin is also so powerful that a stranger who merely walks into its line of fire can suddenly seem appealing. (Read More!) So basically science explains love by referring to certain processes that occur in our brain. But how reliable is this because our hormones can trick us into falling in love?! The whole idea makes complete biological sense but it personally makes me feel like a lab rat. On the other hand, I may just be hanging on to my idealized notions about love instead of recognizing what it really is.


Religion has attempted to explain love in many ways. We have the beautiful explanation of love from I Corinthians in the Bible (Read more..). Love is patient...love is kind..dot dot dot. There is a similar verse in the Koran that explains God's love and what he loves but there is nothing that I could find that defines love. It states, ”God loves those who do good" (3:148), "the pure and clean" (2:222), "the patient" (3:146). The definition of love in Buddhism is wanting others to be happy. It is unconditional and requires courage and acceptance. Many   religions also discuss different types of love such as friendship love ("philia" in the New Testament) or sexual love (Kama in Hinduism/Buddhism) and God's love. I can definitely appreciate the traits and aspects that are used to describe love in different religions. But does that really DEFINE love? Maybe love is an experience that can't be defined in human words?


From the philosophical view of Plato, love is considered to be something higher than physical needs. Romantic love is a desire for beauty that transcends all earthly experiences. Aristotle posed the idea of "one soul, two bodies" that led to the modern idea of soul mates: everyone lives as half a soul until they meet "the one" which makes them whole. That notion is very appealing to the hopeless romantic in me. But, really? My rational self kicks in and thinks, "So there is only ONE other person out there for everyone in the world?" Way too much pressure!


So....romantic love: I've done research, I've experienced it first hand (well, at least I think I have), I've seen my friends fall in love but I still can't define it. I know it's a feeling. I know it can consume your life. I know that it's what so many people in the world strive to find.


Maybe love and knowing whether or not you are "in love" with someone is subjective for everyone? Maybe there is isn't one definition of love and everyone experiences it differently?


I know I said this is a blog for "maybes" but I may have over-did it in this entry.


 Maybe (!) that is what is so intriguing about love - the mystery of it all. I'd like to hear your thoughts, as always!

I think I'm going to go watch Moulin Rouge now <3

Until next time, lovers!
 

To Love or Not to Love: That is the Question?

My Hormones Are In Love With You: Males, Females and Attachment

Check that little comic out. Makes me laugh. Hardy-har-har. Only because it’s kind of true.

It’s an age-old thought: a man fakes (or claims) love to get physical needs met while a woman uses physical needs to get love.

I am quite aware this isn’t always the case and that there are exceptions to this rule, so I’m going to speak on what I’ve learned in my experience and those I’ve heard from others. 

Fundamentally we know this exists at a certain point: men want sex and women want love, intimacy and a feeling of closeness. I love how I used 6 words to describe what women want (which doesn’t even begin to really describe it) and only one simple word to describe what men want. Ha!  As a result of these desires, things happen, people come together and engage in a plethora of different activities, and as a result emerges the dreaded word……

 Attachment.  

You would think we (society, human kind, whoever) would have exhausted this subject already….but as I did some research and looked for related articles I really didn’t find much. I found many references to an episode of Sex And The City where Carrie asks the question “Is it possible for a woman to have sex like a man?” The episode portrays the four SATC women attempting to do this and conclude that physical involvement it isn’t quite the same experience for women that it is for men. 

I think it just comes down to the fact that by nature, (GENERALIZATION) men can compartmentalize better than women when it comes to physical intimacy. We are biologically different which explains a lot of the differences in how we process feelings and experience sex. I’m sure many of you know about all the wonderful hormon-ees (Yes, that’s a Big Fat Greek Wedding reference) that drive us to do the things we do. For example, the wonderful neurotransmitter Oxytocin,  also known as “ the cuddle hormone”, is released during physical intimacy, i.e. kissing, hugging, touching and the big O. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with this neurotransmitter. There are many others that I encourage you to read up on. You might want to start here: Read more!. 

To females: we know we get more emotionally involved than men, it’s just a fact of life. What fathoms me is why we are so compelled to act like men and try our best not to experience attachment? Why are we trying to deny who we ARE? A possible contributing factor could be due to the fact that we live in a society that is obsessed with sex, love, romance, and physical intimacy which obviously doesn’t help our existing desire to be loved. 

Alright, men, I want you to understand something: physical involvement for a woman CHANGES THINGS. Women like to pretend it doesn’t, but it does. Sometimes we like to claim that it won’t change anything and we’ll tell a man that all we want is a casual encounter. Then it happens and somehow our brain starts convincing us we want more or we start getting attached even when we don’t want to. So unfortunately, when you choose to get involved with a woman (despite what she says) the danger of attachment is there. So don’t act surprised, because I just warned you. I swear if more guys would understand and acknowledge this the world would be a better place. 

So is there such thing as “No strings attached?” 

As far as females are concerned, I think there are definitely ways of having casual encounters without feeling attached but it’s not easy unless you know exactly what you want (and you never see them again ha ha, just kidding?). So just beware when you decide to start a “fling” or cross a boundary with someone into the ever-so-ambiguous land of romance/sex/love. Your feelings are at stake and attachment can set in at any time. Above all, be honest with yourself and the other person and DON’T judge yourself if you make a decision to act on a desire. Finally, ladies don’t expect men to get emotionally attached at the rate you do, because it’s just not going to happen. 

Just know that once you feel attached, that feeling is hard to shake……especially if you have to continue being around the person or you see them often. So think twice (or thrice!!!) before you decide to “woo-hoo” (that’s Sims slang, you love me for that!), because a “Woo Hoo” can turn into a Womp Womp if you aren’t careful. Quote of the day ;)

I feel like this is not the last post I am going to write about this issue. 

I’ll end on that note and just say, “Until next time.” I hope to hear your thoughts.

My Hormones Are In Love With You: Males, Females and Attachment

I hate you....Can we be together?

Due to a recent training I’ve been attending to become a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate with Laura's House in South Orange County, my mind has been occupied with the reasons why women (and men) return to relationships with those that hurt them. I've been linking a lot of what I've learned so far with the reasons why so many people continue to love those who hurt them and treat them poorly. With women, it seems like many of us have re-entered “toxic” relationships, even though we rationally KNOW they are not good for us and that the chances of getting hurt again are very high.

Why do humans do things that have negative consequences? I was reading in one of my textbooks about women and the experience of pain during childbirth. Although they can recall that the experience caused them extreme discomfort, they couldn't recall the sensation of how bad the pain was. Basically they forget the pain and still decide to have another child because they are able to forget the immense pain it caused them the first time around. I've never pushed one out so I can't really attest to this but maybe one of you mommas out there can help me with that ;).

Considering this question has made me realize how absolutely ENORMOUS the human desire is to have affection, love and companionship, or in some cases...sex. We are human beings who were made to relate to other people, obtain love, and give love. So when we find someone that we truly connect with it is hard to let go of that person and just move on to someone else. For some people, at least.

In order to return back into a “toxic” relationship there are certain things we do emotionally and mentally to make it work. I think that when we get hurt, we have defenses that go up to protect ourselves. We don't want to feel bad about ourselves or feel rejected, so we apply whatever mechanisms we need to in order to forget that pain. Unfortunately this leads to forgetting how badly someone hurt us or how unhappy we were in a relationship so we return back to that person and we want their love again in our lives.

In addition to the whole memory loss aspect, many people (especially women, unfortunately) think that they can change their partner. They think that if they love that person enough or if they wait long enough that this person will change. So in addition to memory loss, they’re also lying to themselves.

The lyrics of the song “Love Affair” by Copeland (Link) capture the feelings and questions we ask when we are trapped in this sort of relationship. Here are the full lyrics if you want to check them out: Lyrics!!!

In a flash her heart is slain, you have to ask in all this pain.

Was your heart too soft? Was your love in vain?

Was your kiss too weak? Were your eyes too tight?

And much too young to be in love?

We ask these questions because we wonder, “Could I have done something different to make this relationship work, to make this person treat me the way I deserve to be treated?” So we keep going back, in hopes that things will change. This song is one of my all time faves by the way!!! I’m a big song lyric person ha ha. And I have to admit I’ve had this song on repeat several times in my life. 

My question for people dealing with this right now is, what do you believe about yourself? Do you really think this kind of relationship is all you're worth? 

Women, I know I’m generalizing but based on some of my conversations with male friends (And I’m not saying all my male friends are a**holes, you know I love you!), half the time men go back to a relationship is usually not just because they miss, it's because you are making yourself accessible. They know that if they say the right things they will get you back...and get you in the sack. Hey, that rhymes. I should make a rap out of that. Same goes with men, the type of women who manipulate you are going to be able to do so because you let them!

So I urge you - look for patterns. Because there are always patterns. You are together, he/she treats you with love and gives you attention, and finally an argument occurs for whatever reason and you get angry at her/him. You break things off and ignore him/her for a couple days and feel great about it. Then finally she/he calls you or texts you or writes on your damn face book wall (!) and you break down and respond because you don't want to be rude and act like he/she even matters to you. So you talk and he/she jokes with you and you talk about how things are going in your life (Because you know its been THREE WHOLE DAYS of not talking so much must have happened during that time) and all of a sudden you find yourself fond of him/her again and feeling a weird affectionate feeling. I wish I could tell you it stops right there, but it doesn't. Next thing you know you're at the movies with him/her, having a nice dinner...one thing leads to another and............womp womp womp. Back to square one.

I think the # 1 problem is that we want instant gratification and we aren't giving ourselves enough time to fully get over someone. It takes a sufficient amount of time and distance away from a person to see a situation objectively and make smarter decisions.

Don't get me wrong, it hurts and there can be moments where the loss of that person in your life is almost unbearable but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once you are out you will have the ability to look back and realize how trapped you were in that relationship cycle.

I remember a time in my life where I thought that I would rather be unhappy and "with someone" than be alone....this is another lie we tell ourselves because we are so scared of being alone and we convince ourselves that this is the ONLY guy (or girl) we could possibly be with.

Finally, let me just say that no one is immune to this: men and women in all types of relationships. We are creatures of habit, who tend to repeat mistakes and do crazy things for the sake of finding love. Sometimes we learn, sometimes we don't…

To those who have made the mistake of returning to an ex over and over again, was it worth it now that you've broken out of the "cycle"? And what are the reasons you think you stayed in the cycle in the first place?

I hate you....Can we be together?

Harry, you've met your match. Can we be friends?

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

I'm assuming that a majority of us have seen When Harry Met Sally. It's an oldie but a goodie and possibly one of my favorite "chick flicks" of all time.  If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you get a Netflix subscription immediately and put it at the top of your queue. Hell, go buy it used on Amazon for 85 cents because you’ll want to watch it again and it’s cheaper than a Netflix subscription.

When Harry Met Sally is unique in that it is one of the first films in its genre to speak to the idea of men and women being friends without romantic involvement. The film really captures the dynamic of a male/female relationship and how two people of the opposite sex can truly benefit from a friendship with each other.  I just re-watched it and fell in love with it all over again. There is SO much more to this movie than just the friendship debate, but I’ll just focus on that for now.

So, was Harry right? Is it impossible for a man and a woman to have a friendship without either of them developing feelings or being physically involved? Harry spends a good deal of time blaming it on men but I want to take some responsibility here and say that it goes both ways. Also, for the sake of a broad audience I don't want to limit this to just sex. Anything that crosses the "friendship line” counts, including unexpressed feelings from either party.  And to make it clear I'm referring neither to heterosexual individuals who are neither married nor in a relationship. The friendship dynamic changes once significant others are involved and that’s a whole other ball game.


Let's be....friends?
As toddlers you played together in the pool in your underwear, as children you accused each other of having cooties while playing freeze tag on the playground. Then suddenly, puberty hits and you are overtly aware that your next-door neighbor who used to toilet paper your house on Halloween and pull your hair in class is not quite as “cootilicious” as you thought he was. He's actually..........kind of cute, with his Devon Sawa hair cut and totally awesome skater shoes. Okay, maybe that's just my experience as a pubescent pre-teen -  fill in the blanks where you need to.
After this awakening, the game begins and the rules don't become quite as black and white as they used to be. This game - the game of attraction, dating, "mating" - whatever you want to call it, rises to the surface. The tension is there and although you can't quite explain it thoroughly, it exists and you've been aware of it for years. The effort to remain "just friends" with members of the opposite sex becomes a little bit difficult.

The Media
The media has an influence in our lives, even if we try to avoid it.  Thinking back to the days of classic movies, men and women were always portrayed in some sort of romantic entanglement. In the more recent years it seems that this theme hasn't changed very much. *SPOILER ALERT* Harry and Sally spend the entire movie trying to maintain a friendship and end up in love with each other!  *Okay you can read now*. Other movies come to mind like 13 going on 30, My Best Friends Wedding and Just Friends. I can’t think of one movie out there that portrays a male/female friendship without any romantic involvement (If you can think of one, PLEASE SHARE!). Television shows such as Friends (Monica and Chandler), How I Met Your Mother (Robin and Ted) and Dawson's Creek (Awww, Joey and Dawson...and Pacey!) portray friendships turning into romance and either resulting in a “happy ending” or a break-up while still maintaining the friendship. Unfortunately, in reality this isn’t always the case when friends cross the line into romance. So what is society telling us about friendships with the opposite sex?

Despite the media's attempt to control my mind, I'm still going to stay positive and jump on the bandwagon for "pro" side of this debate. I personally think males and females can truly benefit from friendships with each other.  The dilemma that exists now is....HOW?

Crossing the line...
     Without boundaries in any relationship, it is doomed for failure. So I think in this case it is important to establish boundaries even if it is just a mutual understanding between each other. Things get complicated when loneliness hits and a great deal of time is spent with a person - you start to wonder what "could be." It’s true that it could lead to the love of your life but ultimately you have to decide whether crossing that boundary is really worth the friendship you have. Once a friendship crosses that boundary to a certain point, it is very difficult to retain what you had with that person.

Controlling the tension
   I think keeping the sexual tension in check is something that the females can take a great deal of responsibility for. As Harry and the “It's Up to Us” Logo suggests, men don't always think with their heads. Women don’t always either but we have a little bit more control in the sex area. Generally, females tend to pursue romantic involvement for intimacy whereas men often pursue it for physical needs. So females, keep your heart in check --- and males….well, try your best. The failure to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” in male/female friendship can cause the friendship to cross boundaries and travel into the land of drama, awkwardness and everything in between. And we know how much fun that can be!


So...let's talk.
So how do we establish boundaries and keep the tension from exploding (no pun intended)? Communicate! Females are usually great communicators. We’ve been talking and expressing our feelings since we could formulate sentences. If you feel the awkwardness, start a conversation. Maybe a male who isn't used to communicating can learn a thing or two ;)

If you stumble upon a time when a boundary is crossed it is up to you (fist in the air!) and the other person to clear the air, make intentions clear and move forward. In the end, we are human and our instincts (among other things) may drive us to do some ridiculous things over the span of our lives. But that doesn't mean we say, "Okay, boundary crossed, friendship is OVER, ITS UP TO US, I READ THE BLOG!!”  The friendship can be recovered and let's just say, lesson learned? *Spoiler Alert Again!* We don't have to copy Harry and Sally's example -  just because they crossed the line and got together in the end doesn't mean we have to do the same!

*Okay read now….You really need to watch this movie if you haven’t seen it people.*

So now I turn it over to you - I would like to hear from you about your experiences with male friends (males, female friends?) and if you feel that you have achieved a successful friendship? Or, how a friend of the opposite sex has brought positive insight into your life.....or if you think Harry was right and it is a complete lost cause and we should all give up. ;)

Tag...you're it. Now give me some opinions!!!!!!!!

Harry, you've met your match. Can we be friends?