Are they all the same? The categories of men. (A post for the ladies!)

“All men are the same!”

If you are a woman, you have said this at least once in your lifetime. Personally, I think we like to say it. It reinforces when a man does something stupid or when we’ve been dumped. But it is true? Well I’d like to give you my theory which began its formulation circa 2001. If you are one of my close friends, you have heard my categorical theory of men so it’s just a nice refresher :).

So let me start by making this clear: ALL MEN WANT SEX 50-75% of the day, or more. If they are not thinking about that then they are thinking about food or sleep most of the time. It’s just a fact of life and I’ve accepted it. A majority of guys do not spend a great deal of time obsessing over relationships and although females have all heard this before we seem to really have a hard time getting it to resonate.

So men want sex. The key is how men DEAL with sex that makes them the type of guy they are.

Guy number 1: The "aggressive and aware of it" man

HeHelskdjalksas is sexual. He loves sex and he loves his man parts and he’s proud of it! He is the man who will flirt with you in a bar while using sexual connotations in his sentences. He is the man who will say outright "I want to f*** you!" and not apologize for it. He does not hide the fact that he enjoys women and sex and will do whatever he has to do to get it. 

         Under this category they are two subcategories:

 Perverted "aggressive and aware of it" man is the type of man who could possibly turn into a sex offender or be accused of a crime if he isn't careful. He is aggressive and will ask women on a date several times or just blatantly and not smoothly ask women for sex and expect a positive response. Creepster status.

Confident "aggressive and aware of it" man is that man who admits he wants sex and has the ability to convince a woman that doing it with him may be the most enjoyable experience of her life. He is the man who is the typical bad boy and "you know you want me" is plastered all over his forehead. The sad thing is, sometimes we actually consider the thought of having sex with this man!

So next we have guy number 2: The "passive-aggressive man"

He wants sex but likes to play it off like he couldn’t care less. Passive Aggressive man plays it smooth. He comes off as this sweet sensitive and caring guy and then he ignores you after the first sex encounter. He is the one who comes off as genuine and will screw you over in the end. They are aware that they want sex and have no intention of a relationship, even though they have the potential for one. Usually they are in need of attention so they cannot commit to one woman, because one is not enough. But they know that in order to stay on good terms with females they need to flirt and be on their "best behavior" so they put up a front: two faced. This guy is dangerous because when you are with him the attention that he gives you is extremely satisfying. The memories you make with him are unforgettable which keeps you coming back for more. In the end you get screwed and are screwed and he continues to mess with your mind. He tends to be a liar and will say anything, whether it is true or not, to get in your head (and pants). Sound familiar?

Guy number 3 is "the passive self-aware man.”

He can be respectful, romantic, and cerebral. He can also be reclusive, nerdy and inexperienced. He knows that he loves sex but has the ability to control it and is sometimes found getting more attached to a girl than she is to him. He doesn’t pursue casual sex encounters simply because he wants more than that. He is the man who wants marriage and a family one day and is o.k. with admitting that.  In the end, what really matters to him is having sex with someone he cares about. How can I explain this without him sounding like a woman? Needless to say, these men do exist! Unfortunately, relationships with them aren’t always a fairy tale. The passive self-aware man can also the overprotective leech who call you 10x a day and doesn’t feel comfortable with you hanging out with your friends alone. He may also rush the seriousness of the relationship. On the other hand he can also be the guy who avoids you because he felt uncomfortable. He’s a complicated man – but the way he deals with sex is probably the most desirable to women. Too bad we rarely want to date these guys off the bat.

When you meet this guy (because most women usually encounter this guy eventually) can either be annoying to you, or he can be refreshing. If he is your first boyfriend you will mostly likely take advantage of his niceness or feel smothered by his attention to you. But if you’ve been around the block and you’ve encountered man #1 and #2 you might feel refreshed by meeting him. You may also be frustrated because he isn't the "typical" guy you have encountered over the years.

                                                            ------------------------------------

To end this long-winded post let me just say that these categories are flexible. A guy can be a #1 sometimes and a #2 other times in his life. Or he can have some qualities of all three categories, which I think most men are – this just to highlight what I’ve seen in my experience.

 So men want sex and in the end all three of these types eventually get laid. The need for sex is always satisfied, they just take three different routes to get there. While guy number two lies to get in your pants, guy number one tells the truth! 

So men are getting what they want. HOW COME WOMEN AREN'T?

Here is one suggestion:

Women want something that not all men can give, but men want something that ALL women have: a vajayjay.

:)

Are they all the same? The categories of men. (A post for the ladies!)

Valentine Blues ♥

Some of you may be aware of the indie film out, Blue Valentine featuring Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling (!!!!).  I definitely recommend this film for people who can handle a movie with some sadness and a little raw emotion. Besides the phenomenal acting performances, the plot provoked a great deal of thought in me regarding relationships.                                         

I'm not going to give any spoilers, but the overall plot of the film portrays the romantic relationship between two individuals. Parallel stories about their relationship are going on within the film, one that is very happy and hopeful and another that is tragic and heartbreaking. I was thinking about why I loved the film so much and it led to me to think back on how I asked “It’s Up to Us!” blog readers whether they thought it was worth it to love someone and lose than to never have loved in the first place.

As I watched some of the happy and hopeful scenes of the film I felt this sense of satisfaction and joy in watching two people fall in love and connect in this enormous way. The experience of connecting with someone, being completely on the same level and knowing that this feeling is reciprocated is one of the greatest experiences a human being can have, in my opinion. Then while watching the scenes where the relationship began to destruct, all I could think was, "All of this pain they are feeling right now....it is worth going through."

It's just worth it - the pain, the anger, and the frustration in realizing that you've changed or they have changed, or that you just don't feel the same, or that things aren't going to work out…or that you just aren't meant to be.
The time you spent with that person isn't wasted time, because you experienced unique happiness with that person that is important to your life story. So maybe it's time for us to focus on the positive time spent with a person rather than the fact that the relationship didn't finish with a "happy ending." Appreciate it for what it is.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

There is a quote in the film where Michelle Williams' character asks her grandmother how anyone can know if their love will last? “How will you know if your feelings for a person won't fade?” And her grandmother replies by saying that there is no way to know. The only way to know is to have the feelings.

I think that paraphrases what the movie is all about and it's up to us as the viewers to decide whether we think it was worth it or not and apply that to our attitude about our own experience. We can look at it positively or negatively, it's all "Up to us" (!).

And I think I'm going to give "positive" a try......

I encourage you all today on Valentine’s Day to embrace this day for the sake of love, whether you are single or in a relationship. Ignore the annoying commercials and overpriced greeting cards. Celebrate the love you have in your life the way YOU want to!

Have a wonderful day!  ♥

Valentine Blues ♥

+ [plus] a boy[girl]friend… - [minus]friends. Do the math.

So I’m gonna get straight to the question I’m pondering: when two people “couple up,” whether it’s getting hitched or dating exclusively, why does it seem like they forget about their friends?

I’ve been guilty of it and I’m sure many other have too. But why does it happen?

 Three arguments come to mind – I don’t necessarily believe all three but I think that I’ve definitely thought about them at one point or another.

Romantic relationships are more important to us than friendships.

How much more emphasis is there in our society on relationships than friendships? If I try to think of 5 love songs off the top of my head I can easily, but I struggle to do the same for songs about friendships. Face it people, we love love. It gives us a thrill that cannot compete with the satisfaction a friend gives us, not to mention other physical benefits that come with romantic relationships.

From an evolutionary perspective, romantic relationships are more desirable because they satisfy our need to procreate and further our species. Friendships don’t really have an evolutionary purpose if you really think about it.

Romantic relationships take more effort than friendships, so when someone enters one they end up losing friends in order to make up for the time they need to maintain their new relationship.

I read an article about a news report from the British Science Festival where they figured when a person (this goes for both men and women) adds a new relationships they drop 2 friends (read the article for more info). They attribute this loss to the limited ability of human beings to maintain a certain amount of close relationships in their life at a time. So maybe our brains just cannot manage a significant other and keep all the friends they had when they were single.

Friendships are just fillers for what we really want: romance.

If this is true, I will cry. Because friends are really important to me and I don’t want to think of them as “fillers.” But I’ve been guilty of losing friends when gaining a significant other so I can’t really point any fingers at people. All I know is that I’m going to try my best to not do it again. C.S. Lewis brilliantly describes friendship in his book The Four Loves as a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. We need people in our lives who can share our interests besides our significant others. Plus, what are the odds that the person we couple with has all the same interests as us?

My thoughts of the day:

•  Friends are IMPORTANT. For single people and for people in relationships. When you isolate yourself in a relationship with another person you lose touch with reality. Friends make you live longer. So get out of your rabbit hole and remember that there are other people in the world other than your significant other.

•  If you lose your friends while in a relationship and then expect them to be there when you break up, you’re an idiot.
  
•  Keeping in touch with people really isn’t that hard, especially now that we have facebook, texting, cell phones, email….we really have no excuse for losing touch except that we are lazy.

It’s hard to find good friends people, so cherish the ones you have.

+ [plus] a boy[girl]friend… - [minus]friends. Do the math.

It's Not Just Between Your Legs: The Brain and Sex

Not just between your legs, But also between your ears….

Sex. It’s a touchy subject in the neck of the woods I grew up in. Throughout my childhood and adolescence sex was not a topic that was discussed very often (well at least with one of my parents, who will remain nameless). Sex was almost a taboo in my household as a child. I wasn’t allowed to listen to music with sexual undertones (hence the hiding of my Alanis Morrissette cassette tapes!). I felt very awkward watching any movies with any type of sex or kissing in it, mostly with one of my parents (the one who shall remain nameless - although if you know me, it’s not so anonymous, haha). I even felt uncomfortable watching the little mermaid kiss Prince Eric. Yup.  And of course, growing up in a very conservative Christian environment led to more awkwardness about sex. This may explain my fascination with all things related to male/female interaction. So you can thank my upbringing for “It’s Up to Us!”

As a result of a recent presentation I did in a grad school class about what happens in the brain during sex, I felt compelled to share this information with all of you out there because I thought it was fascinating.

So here we go. I apologize in advance if this is still a “touchy” subject for you, but I have a feeling this won’t be the last article about sex. =]

What becomes activated during sex?

The most important parts of the brain that are actively involved during sex are located in the Limbic System (Diagram here!).

The Limbic system houses parts of the brain like the amydgala (associated with fear/anxiety), hippocampus (memory), and the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is a big important one. It is involved with releasing the sex hormones. And when the levels of the sex hormones fall, so does sexual desire. Another MAJOR part of the brain and sex is something called the nucleus accumbens. This is the brain’s “pleasure center.” I found it very interesting that this center is also associated with addictions such as nicotine and caffeine. Sex activates that same pleasurable feeling that cigarettes and coffee give to some. Wanna quit smoking? Start sexin’ it up! :)

Orgasm is Good For you!

Yes, it is. 

I can’t reiterate it any other way, it is simply good for you and the research is out there to support it. When a person orgasm’s, the brain shoots out a major dose of dopamine which is a neurochemical that activates the reward circuit and makes us oh so happy! To calm the dopamine down and grant sexual satisfaction, the hormone oxytocin (see prior blog post) is then released into the blood stream. The oxytocin counter-affects the dopamine and as I’ve talked about in past posts can initiate a bond between partners, depending on the circumstances.

Important thing for females (and males to note) about female orgasm:

Women have to be relaxed and unstressed to achieve it. If a woman is not completely anxious-free, it won’t happen. However, this does not apply to men (figures). Research indicates that in order for a woman to get where she needs to be, the amygdala (fear/anxiety part of the brain) needs to be deactivated. Fancy that!

So women, relax away and let it happen. You don’t need a man for it either :)

One last little tid bit...

Did you know that…

Men have on average ten to one hundred times more testosterone than women?

So basically, women have testosterone, or else they wouldn’t be able to do it at all. But men have TESTOSTERONE. So we really can’t blame them for thinking about it all the time. Sorry ladies.  

The sex-related centers in the male brain are actually about two times larger than the same structures in the female brain.

 No joke – this was a new one for me. Size does matter (!) - When it comes to the male brain, that is! The brain areas that women have dedicated to sex are smaller than they are for men, and this can start developing in boys 8 weeks after conception! So I would like to apologize to the men in my life for getting mad at them for thinking and talking about sex all the time.

I can’t argue with biology.

Ta ta, for now friends! I’d like to hear your thoughts, or if you have any suggestions for future posts let me know!

It's Not Just Between Your Legs: The Brain and Sex

Rejection, Pt 2. Is Honesty The Best Policy?

So like I said in the last post, “That’s a whole other blog topic right there.”

Well here it is ladies and gents….

Rejection, part dos.  Sometimes we actually do the rejecting instead of getting rejected which can be almost as hard. Emphasis on almost. It’s not quite up to par with the disparate feeling of being rejected - in my book, at least.

So my question is, when rejecting someone, or to sugar coat it: when telling someone you don’t have strong enough feelings to continue a relationship ----Wait is that nicer? I don’t even know.

Whatever.

When kicking someone out of your romantic life (ha!), is honesty the best policy? How many of us have the actual balls to say, “Hey I just don’t feel enough chemistry with you?”

I’m going to admit, I am the worst rejecter in the history of the universe. And I think a lot of people can relate. It’s so much easier to just kind of stop answering the person’s phone calls and texts and let it fade out….or tell them some bullsh** answer like, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.” Or “I just need some time for me right now.”

The truth is if it was the right person, you would work it out because if you truly felt a connection with them nothing would stop you from pursuing that relationship, even if you weren’t ready. Because, face it, who is ever ready?

Or maybe what I just wrote is the formula for the reason why so many people have destructive relationships – jumping in when they aren’t ready.

=)

All I want to know is – is it better to just tell the truth?

Should I have told Mr. Bad Kisser that his breath tasted like moldy cheese and that good kissing does not under any circumstances involve playing hide and seek with my tonsils? Gag me with a spoon. Or would it have been appropriate to tell a man that I felt huge around them because they were shorter than me when I wore heels and risk being called shallow?

I don’t know about that last one, but I think that if I had been more honest in the past about my reasons for backing off, I would have spared a lot of hurt feelings.

Maybe it is okay to tell someone that you just don’t feel that spark you are looking for…or that you just don’t feel the chemistry with them. Maybe it’s okay to tell someone you don’t feel that physical attraction…and risk being shallow.

Or maybe we should keep lying to save each other’s egos.

What do you think?

Rejection, Pt 2. Is Honesty The Best Policy?

Rejection: Who is less afraid?

Rejection. It sucks. Quite frankly it is probably one of the main reasons many people choose to be alone. It's easier than having to ask someone out and have them say NO and make you feel like a loser.

It’s also easier than having to hear, "It's not you, it's me." WHEN YOU KNOW ITS YOU.  Shut up and just give me the real reason.  

Would we really even want the real reason? Would we want to hear, “I just don’t see you in my future.” Or, “You have really bad breath and I just can’t stand it anymore.” Or here’s a good one, “Just FYI….size does matter.” Ha ha ha. Can you imagine if people told each other the complete truth? That’s a whole other blog topic right there….(and here is the entry, click this link!)

Everyone has fears when it comes to interpersonal relationships and the entanglements that come with being in them. It seems that the fear of rejection is major among both men and women.

But are men less afraid of rejection than women? 

 

I know sometimes I like to point the finger at men – okay let’s face it, not sometimes…a lot of times. But I’m just trying to UNDERSTAND. In my subjective opinion, it seems that men deal with rejection better. They may feel the same as women but it seems like they are a bit more persistent at getting “back up on the horse,” as they say, and trying again. I’ve met some pretty persistent men and sometimes the persistence worked and sometimes it didn’t quite go the way they wanted it to. But hey, at least they tried?

So I see this persistence in the face of rejection and I KNOW there is no way I would ask a guy out ten times and have him say no. After I got one “No” I would be walking away with my tail between my legs feeling like crap. When I’ve been or felt rejected I’ve always questioned my self-worth and I think many women can attest to this. However, I don’t usually hear men expressing these feelings. 

However, I have heard the following:
“Oh that girls probably a lesbian” (Laughter laughter laughter)
“Eh….she was kind of slutty”
“Oh I wasn’t really into her anyway I was just playing around.”
“She’s not really my type anyway, she’s too much of a party girl [or insert another negative description here].” 

Is this some kind of defense mechanism?

And what do I hear from women?
“Is there something wrong with me?”
“I’m gonna be alone forever?”
“Am I Ugly?”
“Why was I not good enough for him?”

Is this why men generally do the asking out?  Because women can’t handle it? 

Or maybe this is why men and women deal with break ups differently? 

Both men and women I’d like to hear from you about your experiences dealing with rejection…Have you doubted your self-worth because someone rejected you?

A final thought for those who have let others affect their self-worth (myself included!):
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Thank you Eleanor Roosevelt =)

Rejection: Who is less afraid?

Consideration: A female trait?

con·sid·er·ation - noun \kən-ˌsi-də-ˈrā-shən\

4: thoughtful and sympathetic regard

So picture this…you make plans with a person you are romantically interested in and you are extremely excited. You have moved around your busy schedule in order to make time for this person so it is obviously significant. The thought of spending time with this person gives you that butterfly feeling in your stomach and even the monotonous tasks of everyday life seem more bearable. The day arrives and you greet it with so much anticipation your head is about to explode. About two hours before you are supposed to meet you get a call – no – A TEXT MESSAGE – saying… “Hey, sorry I’m going to have to cancel something came up.”

-------

Silence. 

Yup, I’ve been there – and I’ve felt like a big jack ass for getting excited and changing my schedule around to hang out with a person just to have them cancel on me. I think many of us have been there. But a weird trend I’m noticing is that this is happening to women a lot more than it does to men.

And it makes me think: Are women just more considerate than men in when it comes to romantic relationships?

And I know – things happen and they come up and blah blah. I’m not focusing on the idea of “bailing” on people or canceling a date because I know sometimes there are things in life one can’t control.

So many women I know have changed their busy schedules to accommodate their significant others while the men don’t give the same consideration. 

Many of us map out our life plans according to how it will affect the men in our lives. We take certain consideration for certain decisions because we wonder what will happen to our significant others. Or even the significant others we haven’t met yet. This may be due to the fact that we have that biological clock that reminds us of our limited time to get procreate, but that's a whole other issue I'm not going to get into. All I know is that in my career plans, I've taken time to really think about how this fits into my desire to get married and have children. And I think many women can relate to this.

This doesn’t just apply to women – of course, this applies to humans who have a ton of consideration for other people and don’t receive it back. It just so happens that most of the men I’ve encountered seem to be a little less willing to accommodate a woman in their lives. 

To be in a relationship, you have to consider each other, that's what it's all about. My advice to people on this is to not make changes in your life for someone who doesn't deserve it.

How do you know they don't deserve it? They don't give YOU consideration. It goes both ways.

To the men out there reading this – have you ever felt that you were extremely considerate of a woman and not received the same treatment?

I know we are all looking out for ourselves, but would it hurt to realize that an alternative to being alone would be to just let yourself accommodate a little bit for another person in your life?

Just a thought.

Consideration: A female trait?