The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships

As you may have already noticed, I enjoy listing things. It is most likely because I use listing as the main organizational tool for my life (you should try it sometime, it works!). So to follow through with my recent tradition, here's yet another "list" blog post. In my preparation for a doctoral program, in which I would like to have an emphasis in Family and Couples therapy, I have been doing some reading in the "Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy." It's a 700+ page book full of details on all of the therapeutic intervention for couples. My old roommate and fellow bibliophile commented on my Goodreads.com update for this book saying, "Oooo page turner!" 

Okay I'll have to admit -- this isn't a book you read as you relax and sip a margarita by the pool. However, fear not! Instead of encouraging you to pick up this book and read it yourself, I'm going to summarize a portion that I thought to be quite informative and telling regarding why relationships end.

#1 Poor Communication 

Studies have been done on marriages over a long period of time (i.e. longitudinal studies) to discover what create relationship stability. One of the top two risk factors was communication (Karney and Bradbury, 1995). In another relationship study, it was found that relationship issues can be predicted many years before partners "settle down" or get married based on how they communicate.
This almost seems obvious right? If you can't communicate freely and effectively with the person you're with, how do you expect to grow together or understand one another? Unfortunately, these issues don't always become prominent until a couple has moved forward into a higher level of commitment.

#2. One of the people in the relationship is Woody Allen
He's famous for being an acclaimed director, actor and a bit of a perv. But most of all he's quite possibly one of the most neurotic people to inherit the earth. Neuroticism, or a continual display negativity is the second highest risk factor for a relationship. Lesson of the this rule is: don't date a "Debbie Downer"  - ha - no just kidding.... but it has been shown that a negative partner can ruin a relationship. It's been said that a negative person is rarely influenced towards positivity. It usually results in the opposite: the positive person being brought down to the negative level. What can I say? Misery loves company. Unhappy people like other people to be unhappy too....and if you can't stand the negative heat, get out of the kitchen. More idioms, please?

#3. Environmental factors
Two healthy well-adapted individuals can face a devastating event such as the loss of a child or a financial crisis and unfortunately, it can lead to the end of their relationship. Everyone copes with extreme loss and heartache in different ways, however not everyone in the world experiences this type of event. It's not something you can specifically prepare for. A couples response to a stressful event may trigger different issues and coping styles and it may change the way a couple interacts. For married couples, the phrase "for better or for worse" can sail out the window when something tragic happens.This isn't the case with all couples, but it is a definite risk factor.   

#4. Incompatibility
It is possible to have two completely healthy individuals that just aren't right for each other. One of you may worship the Los Angeles Lakers and the other may have undying love for the Boston Celtics. Either you work it out or you let it go. On a more serious note, it goes beyond differences like - "I'm a Republican and you're a Democrat." Everyone differs in their need for closeness and intimacy. There's something called a "demand-withdraw" pattern that is studied in couples therapy. It's a cycle where the partner who needs closeness initiates intimacy and the the partner who needs it less withdraws. You can imagine how that could build up frustration, anger, and rejection on both parts. This also relates to a person's attachment style and how they communicate their needs. In the end, unmet needs always lead to the destruction of a relationship.


#5. "Jumping In" for the wrong reasons

Making a lasting commitment to someone for any of the following reasons is a bad, bad idea:

1. You don't want to be alone.

2. You don't think anyone better will come along.

3. You've been with the person for long enough so you might as well "tie the knot" or move in together...whatever the step may be.

4. You want to escape your current living situation - i.e. with parents, roommates etc.

5. Your religion instructs you not to have sex until you're married, so you tie the knot just so you can "get it on!"

6. Your biological clock is ticking.

7. You might as well get more serious since divorce or breaking up is always an open option (DON'T BECOME A STATISTIC IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO!)

8.  For tax purposes (although this is a debated issue)

9. Because you have a child together (there's no rush!)

10. You want a wedding. (ladies.....) 

That's it for today. Thanks for reading! 

The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships

My Hormones Are In Love With You: Males, Females and Attachment

Check that little comic out. Makes me laugh. Hardy-har-har. Only because it’s kind of true.

It’s an age-old thought: a man fakes (or claims) love to get physical needs met while a woman uses physical needs to get love.

I am quite aware this isn’t always the case and that there are exceptions to this rule, so I’m going to speak on what I’ve learned in my experience and those I’ve heard from others. 

Fundamentally we know this exists at a certain point: men want sex and women want love, intimacy and a feeling of closeness. I love how I used 6 words to describe what women want (which doesn’t even begin to really describe it) and only one simple word to describe what men want. Ha!  As a result of these desires, things happen, people come together and engage in a plethora of different activities, and as a result emerges the dreaded word……

 Attachment.  

You would think we (society, human kind, whoever) would have exhausted this subject already….but as I did some research and looked for related articles I really didn’t find much. I found many references to an episode of Sex And The City where Carrie asks the question “Is it possible for a woman to have sex like a man?” The episode portrays the four SATC women attempting to do this and conclude that physical involvement it isn’t quite the same experience for women that it is for men. 

I think it just comes down to the fact that by nature, (GENERALIZATION) men can compartmentalize better than women when it comes to physical intimacy. We are biologically different which explains a lot of the differences in how we process feelings and experience sex. I’m sure many of you know about all the wonderful hormon-ees (Yes, that’s a Big Fat Greek Wedding reference) that drive us to do the things we do. For example, the wonderful neurotransmitter Oxytocin,  also known as “ the cuddle hormone”, is released during physical intimacy, i.e. kissing, hugging, touching and the big O. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with this neurotransmitter. There are many others that I encourage you to read up on. You might want to start here: Read more!. 

To females: we know we get more emotionally involved than men, it’s just a fact of life. What fathoms me is why we are so compelled to act like men and try our best not to experience attachment? Why are we trying to deny who we ARE? A possible contributing factor could be due to the fact that we live in a society that is obsessed with sex, love, romance, and physical intimacy which obviously doesn’t help our existing desire to be loved. 

Alright, men, I want you to understand something: physical involvement for a woman CHANGES THINGS. Women like to pretend it doesn’t, but it does. Sometimes we like to claim that it won’t change anything and we’ll tell a man that all we want is a casual encounter. Then it happens and somehow our brain starts convincing us we want more or we start getting attached even when we don’t want to. So unfortunately, when you choose to get involved with a woman (despite what she says) the danger of attachment is there. So don’t act surprised, because I just warned you. I swear if more guys would understand and acknowledge this the world would be a better place. 

So is there such thing as “No strings attached?” 

As far as females are concerned, I think there are definitely ways of having casual encounters without feeling attached but it’s not easy unless you know exactly what you want (and you never see them again ha ha, just kidding?). So just beware when you decide to start a “fling” or cross a boundary with someone into the ever-so-ambiguous land of romance/sex/love. Your feelings are at stake and attachment can set in at any time. Above all, be honest with yourself and the other person and DON’T judge yourself if you make a decision to act on a desire. Finally, ladies don’t expect men to get emotionally attached at the rate you do, because it’s just not going to happen. 

Just know that once you feel attached, that feeling is hard to shake……especially if you have to continue being around the person or you see them often. So think twice (or thrice!!!) before you decide to “woo-hoo” (that’s Sims slang, you love me for that!), because a “Woo Hoo” can turn into a Womp Womp if you aren’t careful. Quote of the day ;)

I feel like this is not the last post I am going to write about this issue. 

I’ll end on that note and just say, “Until next time.” I hope to hear your thoughts.

My Hormones Are In Love With You: Males, Females and Attachment