Why Vulnerability Is Your Best Friend

I wrote a post awhile back where I wrote about the importance of vulnerability in romantic relationships.

Since then I have come to the understanding that the willingness to be vulnerable surpasses just romantic relationships. In fact, I think that vulnerability is the key to happiness, contentment, and a full life.

 
Author and researcher Brene Brown calls it a “whole hearted life” in her book “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead”. In this book, she discusses the importance of vulnerability in all aspects of life, from romantic relationships to parenting. Her book (which is a MUST READ by the way) expanded my view of vulnerability when it comes to interacting with the world.

So what does it mean to be vulnerable?

To be vulnerable is be honest with yourself.

It is hard to admit when something bothers you.  It also hard to admit that you have certain feelings or opinions that you may not want to face.  To deal with this we self-medicate, pretend and put up barriers that keep people from getting to know the “real” us.  Self-reflection is the best form of vulnerability. If you can’t be vulnerable with yourself, how can you be vulnerable with others?

To be vulnerable is to embrace your imperfections.

There is a sense of shame associated with being imperfect that so many of us deal with on a day-to-day basis.  I think sometimes we honestly forget that we are fallible human beings who are going to make mistakes.  Instead, we walk through life trying to make everything run perfectly, thinking that “perfect” = good.  If everything is going well and we are doing everything right, then we can be happy.  When the truth is, there is joy in falling short, because we have the ability to pick up the next day, learn, and grow from our mistakes.   

To be vulnerable is to give yourself permission to be uncool.

If I want to watch episodes of Full House on syndication on the weekend while I knit in my Hello Kitty pajamas, I CAN.  You know why? Because I am not afraid to be uncool.  Okay..I know it’s not high school anymore and we say that all of this “cool/uncool” popular kids stuff doesn’t exist once you leave high school. Unfortunately, that’s a little lie we tell ourselves to convince us of our maturity.  We still alienate people who are different or don’t fit certain standards. We still have ridiculous ideas of what is cool or not and are always the first to judge others. Why not spend a little more time enjoying what you love instead of judging what everyone else is doing?

 

 

To be vulnerable is to try the things you are afraid of. 

The smartest thing anyone has told me this year is, “If you are a little bit afraid of something, that’s when you know you should do it,”  Whatever you are nervous about, DO. If you feel completely comfortable about a certain job or task or whatever it is, maybe it’s something that will be enjoyable for you, but won’t necessarily help you grow. When you try something that’s out of your comfort zone, you give yourself the bandwidth to grow. You will be surprised how much your capacity for new experiences will grow once you keep doing this!

 

To be vulnerable is to be able to know and ask for what you need.

Know what you personally need to make you happy and content.  Know what type of communication you prefer in a relationship. Know what makes you feel happy, sad, jealous, frustrated, unsupported. Then surround yourself with people who support your positive feelings and do not bring out negative habits in you. In addition, know what you need to make yourself a better you. Is it more sleep? Certain exercises? Doing crafts on the weekend with your cat? Whatever it is, do it and don’t apologize for it!

 

Remember….

Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength.

 and...

 To be vulnerable is to be courageous.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Want more? 
Check out Brene's awesome Ted Talk on vulnerability here:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

 

Why Vulnerability Is Your Best Friend

The Do's and Dont's of Responsiveness

As I reflect on my 2nd week of doctoral studies, I have begun to contemplate the idea of responsiveness and how it has the power to build or break relationships. As many of you know, my ultimate goal is to become a clinical psychologist. As I commence my training, I have not only heard  how important responding is in a therapeutic relationship, but I have also realized how important it is with the people in your life.

How we respond to other people's expressions of vulnerability and openness creates trust and builds a safe space to share and grow. Have you ever been in a situation where you open your heart to someone and they respond in a completely inappropriate, hurtful, apathetic or insensitive way? It's not fun. In fact it can be damaging to a person's sense of self, especially if the person who responds is an important attachment figure in that other person's life. I know it is impossible to avoid saying insensitive things sometimes. We are going to make mistakes, and sometimes our responses reflect more of our own issues than our real feelings. Keeping this in mind, the purpose of this post is to focus on skills to be aware of when responding to other people's stress, anger or any other emotion possible to human existence.

Let's start with a basic tool...

DO actively listen to what the other person is saying. I've told this to my psych educational classes over and over again and I'll never stop. Listening is not just hearing the words. It is understanding and being able to reflect the content of a person's story or feelings.  How do you become a better listener? Pay attention, make eye contact and stop thinking about the next thing you are going to say while another person is talking.

Now that we got covered, what happens when you are listening and someone tells you something that you don't know how to respond to?

DON'T try to minimize the person's experience. Examples of this?

"Oh everything's going to be alright in the end. Just stop worrying."

"You need to get over it. It's not as big of a deal as you think it is."

"There are bigger problems than what you are going through in the world."

There are many variations of this that may not be as straightforward as these statements. It's important to realize that a person's feelings are reality to them. Therefore by minimizing a situation or feeling you aren't getting through to them, you are shutting them off from trusting you! Even if you do feel that there is something you would like to confront them with, its not the right time when the person is in distress and is confiding in you.

DON'T make the problem about you. Listen to this e-card people! I know it may be appropriate sometimes to tell someone your own personal story of struggle and triumph in order to inspire them, but you have to find the right times for this. One extremely frustrating example of this is when you're going through some type of medical issue or sickness and a person tries to tell you about how their 2nd cousin twice removed also had this illness and then ended up having to be in the hospital for 7 days and lost their job. Everyone ALWAYS has a story about someone else's experience or their own experience that is similar to yours. Quite frankly, I don't want to hear it because its always some horror story that ends up making me anxious, which leads to me being on Web MD for 6 hours.


DON'T O.T.O. - i.e. overstate the obvious. I first heard this expression when I was 22, standing outside of a bar while a loud, intoxicated young woman passed by yelling "OTO" because she heard someone state, "Oh It's Raining!" as it started to rain. Apparently, stating the obvious was just not going to cut it for her that night. Since then, I've used it to describe a situation where someone tells me something I already know. Sometimes, when people are explaining a feeling they do not want a response like, "Oh well, you really have no choice." or "Oh, this situation sucks, I wouldn't want to be you." or "Oh well that's life, its not easy." These are obvious observations that are assumed, they don't need to be stated and do not provide a source of comfort.

DON'T  give unnecessary advice. Usually, people aren't asking you to fix their problems. If you find yourself saying, "Well you should...." STOP YOURSELF! RIGHT AWAY!!!! Because most of the time, people know what they SHOULD be doing.

So what DO people want to hear? I have two magical words for you...

"I understand."

You may or may not understand or know what it feels like to be in someone's shoes, but by showing someone you understand them validates their feelings. I believe that all people really want when they are feeling uncomfortable feelings is to be validated and understood. It doesn't matter whether the emotions they are experiencing are rational, all that matters is that they are able to express them without shame.

Shame and fear of vulnerability is the source of many people's pain. We aren't perfect and by communicating this to others by understanding, instead of judging, their situations we can achieve stronger and long-lasting relationships.

Those are my two cents for today y'all. Have a wonderful day! I'd love to hear your thoughts.

The Do's and Dont's of Responsiveness

Vulnerability and Romantic Relationships

Is it possible to love someone or have feelings for them without making yourself vulnerable? I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is no.

As I think about this, how can a person get to know someone or have them know you if you don’t risk something? If you walk around with a wall around your heart and let no one in your life the only risk you take is being alone.

Vulnerability is seen as a bad thing in our society, especially for men. To be vulnerable is to allow for transparency and possibly show your weaknesses to someone. Doing so risks the chance of getting hurt and giving up your independence. Sometimes being vulnerable is to allow someone into the places of your life and heart that you never have before. For some people, being vulnerable just means admitting your feelings to someone and risking that they may not return them.

In my opinion, vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you are strong enough to put your heart on the line for another person, or for the sake of love.

Madeline L’Engle said, “When we were children we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

I think a main aspect of vulnerability that needs to be understood is this: emotional vulnerability should not be mistaken for emotional insecurity. Emotional vulnerability is not being over emotional or over indulgent in feelings or expression of emotion. It is not about jealousy, clinginess or over-obsession. All of these things occur when vulnerability is felt by someone who is insecure.

We all fear vulnerability to an extent because it means we are emotionally unprotected. In my opinion a person is ready to be vulnerable in a healthy way when they are secure enough to do so without unhealthy behavior.

If you are afraid of being vulnerable, think about the reasons why. What are you afraid of? Is it better to have tried and failed than to constantly wonder what would have happened if you didn’t put yourself out there?

No one ever regrets doing something as much as they regret NOT doing something. Because it’s definitely better to know, than wonder.

Vulnerability and Romantic Relationships