The Stages of A Relationship: Part 2

Last week I covered The Stages of a Relationship and discussed the first two: the “Honeymoon” stage and the “Disillusionment” stage. If you haven’t read it do so NOW!

So let’s get right into it…


Stage 3: Permanent Commitment
This stage of a relationship can take form in several different ways. It usually involves a commitment of publicly being “in a relationship” and eventually leads to cohabitation and/or marriage. At least that’s how it traditionally goes in our culture. ….

There are two parts to this stage. The first part includes the commitment that you and the other person are a “couple.” You don’t necessarily share everything or live together but you have committed to being a “unit.” This means you consider one another in your individual life decisions and you work on deepening your connection with that person beyond what you felt in the honeymoon stage. Yes, so the honey moon is over but as a trade off, you get a deep sense of friendship and romantic involvement that surpasses all the “butterflies” and “googly eyes” you felt in stage 1.


It’s important in this first part of stage 3 for individuals to really evaluate whether they are making this commitment for the right reasons and if they are personally ready to do it in the first place. Wrong reasons for making a commitment? Let’s see…


“It’s time, we’ve been dating long enough so I guess we should make it official.”


“My biological clock is ticking.” (females, ahem)


“Well I’ve got nothing better going on.”


NOT THE RIGHT REASONS FOR ENTERING INTO A COMMITMENT!


Before you take this big step, you’ve gotta “get your sh*t together,” so to speak. If you have all of these unresolved personal issues (i.e. you have jealousy or anger issues or extreme low-self esteem) you are not going to be able to successfully give your 50% in a committed relationship. So DO something about it!


The second part of stage 3 includes planning a future together. That may mean getting married, joining assets and all that fun legal stuff. This part of the stage is about settling into a life together, developing routines and accepting differences. You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve CHOSEN them.


It is estimated that only 5% of couples who enter Stage 1 actually make it to Stage 3, according to The Relationship Institute. For some, that may seem depressing. But if you really think about it, it just means that you may have to meet many of the “wrong” people before you find the right match for yourself! So don’t give up just because you’ve had a couple of bad dates. You may need to meet 20 more potential partners to actually find one that works for you. In the meantime, enjoy yourself! I was thinking, this is probably why many people have resorted to online dating. We are so busy (or maybe lazy) that we end up letting computer surveys match us up instead of taking the time to make face to face interactions. I think that’s a whole other blog topic right there….moving on.


Stage 4: Recommitment
This stage is not always used, but I think it’s extremely important. Recommitment is a lifelong growing process. It can only take place once each partner has determined that they can be who they are and be in a permanent commitment.

Relationships aren’t easy, hence the reason why we have such a huge divorce rate in this country. Life changes and people constantly evolve, therefore it is only natural that changes will continue to occur even after permanent commitment. There will always be “high” times and “low” times in your relationship but it’s a ride that you are taking together.


According to psychology Robert Sternberg, the most complete form of love is called “Consummate Love” which includes a harmony and equal balance of intimacy (attachment and closeness), passion (sexual attraction; desire), and commitment (shared achievements and future goals combined). Consummate love requires continual modification, adjustment, and maintenance.


The more you know about the stages the easier it will be to recognize and deal with them as they enter your life, so I encourage everyone to do their own individual research and reading! I hope this two-parter was helpful and not discouraging. I’d love to know your thoughts on these stages and your own personal experiences.


Thanks Everyone!



The Stages of A Relationship: Part 2

The Stages Of A Relationship, Part 1

All relationships have stages and evolve through time - it’s an inevitable part of life. As individuals, we change and grow and mature with time so it is only natural that change becomes evident in our relationships. I thought I would take a blog post to go over the 4 most common stages that have been identified by psychologists and researchers in romantic relationships and see what people’s thoughts are on them.

This blog post is dedicated to just Stages 1 & 2 because it’s a bit lengthy and I want everyone to digest it and reflect back to me! So stay tuned for Part 2 next week.

Stage 1: Infatuation/Initial Attraction (AKA the courtship period,  the “honeymoon phase” and….well, the best part)

            This is literally THE most exciting stage in a relationship. We’ve all been there: butterflies, constant excitement, long phone conversations, and sickening other people with your lovey-dovey obsession with each other. You want to spend a lot of time with the person and you focus on all of your commonalities with them. When you aren't with them, you're thinking about them and how you can make plans with them. When you ARE with them everything is effortless and you feel like you "just can't get enough". In short, it’s pretty dang amazing. 

This is also a time when the biological aspects of love relationships become most prominent. To make a long story short, the pleasure center in our brain is so hyped up on dopamine (among other neurotransmitters) as a result of being “in love” that we can be compared to a drug addict. Literally, neurologists have found similarities between a brain "in love" and a brain on drugs.

During this time, fellow drug addicts, it’s really important to ask yourself, "Am I more attracted to the idea of being 'in like' or 'in love' than I am the person?" We often find ourselves addicted to the euphoric feelings more than actually giving ourselves time to get to know the person. Might as well face it, we're addicted to love.

Stage 2: Initial But Limited Commitment (AKA the “disillusionment stage”)

So unfortunately, our brains are wired to adapt to new and positive changes  (which is why commercialism exists) and eventually we start to phase out of Stage 1. Stage 2 is when individuals in the relationship have a reality check. The relationship is exclusive but each person is really try to figure out if things are worth pursuing long-term. Problems can emerge in this stage because now the couple is focusing less on their commonalities, and noticing more of their differences. A higher comfort level has been reached which  puts less of a focus on impressing each other. "Real" selves begin to emerge and people start to notice flaws. Intense conflict usually occurs if the couple doesn’t learn how to solve conflict and accept their differences.

Honestly, The phase kinda sucks. The big bright bubble of love has been burst and now you’ve got to face reality. During this stage, women may feel neglected because their guy is more comfortable now and he doesn’t text or call as often. Many females often make the mistake of thinking, “He’s over me,” when he is just more comfortable and doesn’t feel the need to “chase” anymore. This is NOT a bad thing, and it doesn’t mean there will never be any romance or excitement in your relationship ever again. This stage is necessary and important to the path of a committed relationship. The key to this part in a relationship is practicing patience and awareness. I’m not sure how men feel in this stage in the relationship, but I’d like to hear from any men on this if they have comments! COMMENT NOW!

In short, stage 2 is the “make it or break it” stage. Individuals should ask themselves, "Is this relationship right for me?" and "Do I want a permanent commitment with this person?"

This last question is SUPER important: "Is this the kind of relationship I want?" (Not just, "Is this the kind of PERSON I want?") 

 

Tell me, how do you feel about Stage 1 and 2 in romantic relationships after reading this post?

Stage 3 &4 to come next week! 

The Stages Of A Relationship, Part 1