Last week I covered The Stages of a Relationship and discussed the first two: the “Honeymoon” stage and the “Disillusionment” stage. If you haven’t read it do so NOW!
So let’s get right into it…
Stage 3: Permanent Commitment
This stage of a relationship can take form in several different ways. It usually involves a commitment of publicly being “in a relationship” and eventually leads to cohabitation and/or marriage. At least that’s how it traditionally goes in our culture. ….
There are two parts to this stage. The first part includes the commitment that you and the other person are a “couple.” You don’t necessarily share everything or live together but you have committed to being a “unit.” This means you consider one another in your individual life decisions and you work on deepening your connection with that person beyond what you felt in the honeymoon stage. Yes, so the honey moon is over but as a trade off, you get a deep sense of friendship and romantic involvement that surpasses all the “butterflies” and “googly eyes” you felt in stage 1.
It’s important in this first part of stage 3 for individuals to really evaluate whether they are making this commitment for the right reasons and if they are personally ready to do it in the first place. Wrong reasons for making a commitment? Let’s see…
“It’s time, we’ve been dating long enough so I guess we should make it official.”
“My biological clock is ticking.” (females, ahem)
“Well I’ve got nothing better going on.”
NOT THE RIGHT REASONS FOR ENTERING INTO A COMMITMENT!
Before you take this big step, you’ve gotta “get your sh*t together,” so to speak. If you have all of these unresolved personal issues (i.e. you have jealousy or anger issues or extreme low-self esteem) you are not going to be able to successfully give your 50% in a committed relationship. So DO something about it!
The second part of stage 3 includes planning a future together. That may mean getting married, joining assets and all that fun legal stuff. This part of the stage is about settling into a life together, developing routines and accepting differences. You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve CHOSEN them.
It is estimated that only 5% of couples who enter Stage 1 actually make it to Stage 3, according to The Relationship Institute. For some, that may seem depressing. But if you really think about it, it just means that you may have to meet many of the “wrong” people before you find the right match for yourself! So don’t give up just because you’ve had a couple of bad dates. You may need to meet 20 more potential partners to actually find one that works for you. In the meantime, enjoy yourself! I was thinking, this is probably why many people have resorted to online dating. We are so busy (or maybe lazy) that we end up letting computer surveys match us up instead of taking the time to make face to face interactions. I think that’s a whole other blog topic right there….moving on.
Stage 4: Recommitment
This stage is not always used, but I think it’s extremely important. Recommitment is a lifelong growing process. It can only take place once each partner has determined that they can be who they are and be in a permanent commitment.
Relationships aren’t easy, hence the reason why we have such a huge divorce rate in this country. Life changes and people constantly evolve, therefore it is only natural that changes will continue to occur even after permanent commitment. There will always be “high” times and “low” times in your relationship but it’s a ride that you are taking together.
According to psychology Robert Sternberg, the most complete form of love is called “Consummate Love” which includes a harmony and equal balance of intimacy (attachment and closeness), passion (sexual attraction; desire), and commitment (shared achievements and future goals combined). Consummate love requires continual modification, adjustment, and maintenance.
The more you know about the stages the easier it will be to recognize and deal with them as they enter your life, so I encourage everyone to do their own individual research and reading! I hope this two-parter was helpful and not discouraging. I’d love to know your thoughts on these stages and your own personal experiences.
Thanks Everyone!
2 comments:
Awesome. I have been married 13 years (well in the 27th of this month) and we are in the Stage 4: Recommitment. We have ups and downs, but do go through them as a team. Great post. Thanks.
Heather thank you so much for reading and commenting! Congrats on 13 years of marriage - that is seriously AWESOME!!! It's so great to hear from someone who is first-hand experiencing the recommitment stage....Thanks again for reading!
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