The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships

As you may have already noticed, I enjoy listing things. It is most likely because I use listing as the main organizational tool for my life (you should try it sometime, it works!). So to follow through with my recent tradition, here's yet another "list" blog post. In my preparation for a doctoral program, in which I would like to have an emphasis in Family and Couples therapy, I have been doing some reading in the "Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy." It's a 700+ page book full of details on all of the therapeutic intervention for couples. My old roommate and fellow bibliophile commented on my Goodreads.com update for this book saying, "Oooo page turner!" 

Okay I'll have to admit -- this isn't a book you read as you relax and sip a margarita by the pool. However, fear not! Instead of encouraging you to pick up this book and read it yourself, I'm going to summarize a portion that I thought to be quite informative and telling regarding why relationships end.

#1 Poor Communication 

Studies have been done on marriages over a long period of time (i.e. longitudinal studies) to discover what create relationship stability. One of the top two risk factors was communication (Karney and Bradbury, 1995). In another relationship study, it was found that relationship issues can be predicted many years before partners "settle down" or get married based on how they communicate.
This almost seems obvious right? If you can't communicate freely and effectively with the person you're with, how do you expect to grow together or understand one another? Unfortunately, these issues don't always become prominent until a couple has moved forward into a higher level of commitment.

#2. One of the people in the relationship is Woody Allen
He's famous for being an acclaimed director, actor and a bit of a perv. But most of all he's quite possibly one of the most neurotic people to inherit the earth. Neuroticism, or a continual display negativity is the second highest risk factor for a relationship. Lesson of the this rule is: don't date a "Debbie Downer"  - ha - no just kidding.... but it has been shown that a negative partner can ruin a relationship. It's been said that a negative person is rarely influenced towards positivity. It usually results in the opposite: the positive person being brought down to the negative level. What can I say? Misery loves company. Unhappy people like other people to be unhappy too....and if you can't stand the negative heat, get out of the kitchen. More idioms, please?

#3. Environmental factors
Two healthy well-adapted individuals can face a devastating event such as the loss of a child or a financial crisis and unfortunately, it can lead to the end of their relationship. Everyone copes with extreme loss and heartache in different ways, however not everyone in the world experiences this type of event. It's not something you can specifically prepare for. A couples response to a stressful event may trigger different issues and coping styles and it may change the way a couple interacts. For married couples, the phrase "for better or for worse" can sail out the window when something tragic happens.This isn't the case with all couples, but it is a definite risk factor.   

#4. Incompatibility
It is possible to have two completely healthy individuals that just aren't right for each other. One of you may worship the Los Angeles Lakers and the other may have undying love for the Boston Celtics. Either you work it out or you let it go. On a more serious note, it goes beyond differences like - "I'm a Republican and you're a Democrat." Everyone differs in their need for closeness and intimacy. There's something called a "demand-withdraw" pattern that is studied in couples therapy. It's a cycle where the partner who needs closeness initiates intimacy and the the partner who needs it less withdraws. You can imagine how that could build up frustration, anger, and rejection on both parts. This also relates to a person's attachment style and how they communicate their needs. In the end, unmet needs always lead to the destruction of a relationship.


#5. "Jumping In" for the wrong reasons

Making a lasting commitment to someone for any of the following reasons is a bad, bad idea:

1. You don't want to be alone.

2. You don't think anyone better will come along.

3. You've been with the person for long enough so you might as well "tie the knot" or move in together...whatever the step may be.

4. You want to escape your current living situation - i.e. with parents, roommates etc.

5. Your religion instructs you not to have sex until you're married, so you tie the knot just so you can "get it on!"

6. Your biological clock is ticking.

7. You might as well get more serious since divorce or breaking up is always an open option (DON'T BECOME A STATISTIC IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO!)

8.  For tax purposes (although this is a debated issue)

9. Because you have a child together (there's no rush!)

10. You want a wedding. (ladies.....) 

That's it for today. Thanks for reading! 

The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships

To Love or Not to Love? Pt. 2: When Love Goes Wrong.

"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."
- W.H. Auden

I have to admit, immediately after I posted my "love" inspired blog I started to feel very negative about the whole idea. I started thinking about the rising divorce rate and all of the unhappiness I've seen in relationships lately and I started to think, 'Okay why do I love love? Am I a MASOCHIST?!" Then I had a conversation with my dear friend from school Alexis and she brought up oxytocin and I said that I hated it (as if it was an actual physical thing I could touch) and I wanted to punch oxytocin in the face.

Haha. Okay, so I need to calm down and realize that my urge to punch an intangible neurotransmitter is not going to satisfy my frustration toward love. In my effort to do that I'm going to write about the love that doesn’t conclude with a happy ending.

We are all aware that sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes love ends....it fades, people lose interest, they don't see one another in their future, or infidelity exists. Unfortunately sometimes when love ends we feel like it is a waste of time to love at all.

Sometimes frankly, love sucks the royal weenie.

Males and females experience life differently so it's only rational that they experience and deal with break-ups differently. Of course, there are certain universal coping mechanisms we all employ to get through breakups, but how are they manifested between the two sexes?

The first thing that came to mind is that women definitely take break-ups harder than men do. I guess this is a generalization from my own experience and what I've seen from friends. Women tend to deal with it emotionally - crying, eating, spending time to vent with girlfriends and many bottles of wine,  sitting at home in sweats eating ice cream from the container (or better yet, getting a giant bag peanut butter M&M's while watching re-runs of Sex and The City!!!). On the contrary, it seems that the men I know have dealt with their breakups by not talking about it all, hitting the bar with friends and picking up "chicks," or pretending nothing happened and not expressing their emotions on the break-up.

This is even a concept that is shown in the media with breakups - You rarely ever see a man on TV shows or movies in his pjs cuddled up in bed with food eating his feelings, right? It’s always a woman doing that!

So I started searching and I found over 10 articles saying that men suffer more after breakups than women do. Say WHAT?

Research was done by sociologists at Wake Forest University and the University of Florida based on 1,600 responses from unmarried men and women between the ages of 18 to 23. They found that break-ups hurt men's self-esteem more than women's self-esteem because men don't talk to their friends as much as women do, which leads to a sense of isolation and more loneliness.

The researchers also found that while young men are more affected by the quality of a current relationship, young women are more emotionally affected by whether or not they are in a relationship (Read More).

So arguments for this? I mean men out there, do you feel like break-ups were hard for you but you had no one to talk about them to?
Why does it seem like so many men have no emotions when it comes to break-ups but some have ALL these emotions? I guess it goes the same with women.....

I think that – as I always say, it’s partially the way our society is and the way we are genetically constructed. Men are not encouraged cry to each other or talk about their feelings or emotions because if they do it’s crossing a boundary of “manliness” that must NOT BE CROSSED! And don’t deny it men, because I have seen it first-hand.

I just want men out there to know – hey you can talk about it. It’s OKAY to feel sometimes. And if you can’t talk to your guy friends, talk to a girl because they’ll understand. I hope.

So lend me your thoughts, who do you think break-ups are harder on, males or females?

To Love or Not to Love? Pt. 2: When Love Goes Wrong.