Stupid Things [Some] Girls Care About

We all know that males and females tend to care about different things. Some of the these things may be labeled "stupid" or frivolous by members of the opposite sex. I will be the first to admit that I care about some of the things in this list and I am o.k. with it. No apologies, women of the world!

Take all of this with a grain of salt and try not to get offended, because in the end we all care about at least one "stupid" thing :)


Stupid Things [Some] Women Care About:

What We Wear
Fashion and the Kardashians have ruined our lives. We spend hours planning outfits and shopping for accessories when half the time they sit in our closets unworn with the tags still on them. We also have too many pairs of shoes, accessories and beauty products. I am not alone in saying that I've ruminated a little too long on what's hanging in my closet and what I'm going to wear to a certain event. Sometimes I think life would be better if we all just walked around naked. Plus, when it comes to guys all you really need to do is wear spiked heels and a tight dress - lose the patterned tights, wedges, and the ornate earrings you bought at urban outfitters for $50 dollars because they don't give a damn about them!


What Our Boyfriends Ex Looks Like
We may be dating a guy for a year and know that he's over his ex but we still want to find out what she looks like. We'll find her on facebook and create a fake account so we can add her and pretend to be interested in her (maybe we'll pretend we want to be Farmville friends) and then we'll snoop her page as much as possible. We'll compare her body size, hair and style to ours, even when she isn't really our competition. The more we find out, the more it will drive us crazy but we do it anyway. Has anyone heard that quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" That quote was written for us.

Nail Polish Color
There is an entire industry that is making bank off of our obsession with changing our nail color every week and matching it with our outfits. This is also something I'm pretty sure guys don't understand or care about. As long as your nails are clean and your hands don't have the texture of a scaly reptile, you're pretty much set. However, it doesn't matter to us! We will contue purchasing nail polish to represent every color of the rainbow until the day we die!


Celebrities
WHY DO WE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE?! I don't know, but we do because US Weekly magazine is still in business along with the entire E! network. I loathe the Kardashian family, yet the newest installment of their reality show is set to record in my DVR. Why do I care what Natalie Portman wore to the Oscars last year or that Justin Bieber had a childhood without Santa? I don't know, I just do. So shutup and leave me alone with my remote.


Being "Facebook Official"
This is definitely something females tend to care about more than men. It may be because we put more emphasis on the status of our romantic relationships than men do. It may also be because we get really tired of looking at "single" on our profile, while men probably enjoy it. Maybe we just like how it feels to change our status from In a Relationship to Single to Widowed to Married to It's Complicated so everyone can comment and feel bad for us. OR...it's possible we are tired of getting messages from sleazy guys or men from our past so we hope they will leave us alone once they see our new FB status (i.e. "Ey girl, you be lookin' sweet n scrumptious, I be pokin' you on da FB but you be ignorin me, wassup wit dat babydoll?"). Maybe I'll invent a new relationship status that says, "None of your biznazz, I'm married to myself."

Getting Attention From Men
How do females do this? Let me count the ways. Number 1 on the list: passive aggressive facebook posts in the form of statuses, depressing songs about heartbreak and "liking" FB pages such as, "I love douche bags." Other actions that made the list are slutty dresses, spray tans and wearing makeup at the gym. Why don't we wear or do something for OURSELVES instead of always trying to attract men? Who likes a woman who is so spray tanned she looks like an oompa loompa? Girl, you know you didn't get that in the real sun and it ain't part of your natural genetics!


Being Single Forever
We've all said it and posted it and cried it as we sit with our head in the toilet after too many Mai Tai's. "I'm going to be single forever, there are no men out there." Get it together! It's not true! In my opinion, as long as you think of singleness as a curse that you are destined to hold for the rest of your life, you WILL be single forever.


Looking Perfect During "Intimate Time"
Okay by intimate time I mean sex. During the deed, guys really aren't thinking about whether that certain position makes you look like you have a double chin. They also aren't worried about the several stretch marks you attained on the side of your thigh or whether your make up is smeared. Are you enjoying yourself? Yes? Then they are happy because they are enjoying it too. So let go and enjoy the (ahem) ride, because no one cares what you look like. Believe me, once you stop thinking about what you look like you will definitely enjoy the journey AND the destination. :)

Twilight
Need I say more? And yes, I did see Breaking Dawn Pt 1 on opening day.


Men To Want Us Or Something When We Don't Necessarily Want It Ourselves
You see, we have this thing....where sometimes we get offended when a guy isn't interested in us even if we weren't interested in him. So we think he's ugly but he blows us off, but we are still offended and want him to want us even if we don't want him. Get it? In relationships sometimes we don't necessarily want something but then we find out our significant other also doesn't want it and then all of a sudden we want him to want it, EVEN IF WE DON'T REALLY WANT IT. It makes absolutely NO sense. It may even apply to exes! Our ex moved on and we don't want him but we are still sad that he moved on and make fun of the girl he's with - but we don't want him, so why can't we be happy for him? Again, I don't know. We are mysteries to ourselves.

There's the top 10. Take it or leave it - but I'd prefer you comment. Thanks Readers!

Stupid Things [Some] Girls Care About

I'm Angry and I know It: An Overview of a Difficult Emotion

For the readers who know me, I'm sure you'll understand my choice of image for this post :) 

Let's get started !

Anger. It's an emotion everyone who breathes experiences at some point in there life, probably at a fairly early age.When thinking of emotions, we tend to categorize them as "good" and "bad." Good emotions being happiness, excitement, or eagerness and bad emotions being sadness, fear or hatred. Anger would hands-down be considered a "bad" emotion by most individuals. But does it have to be? And who says we even have to categorize our emotions the way we do? It is my opinion that ALL emotions are necessary and important for human development and growth. From an evolutionary perspective, anger is used for protective purposes. We have been given the ability to feel anger to protect ourselves from danger or self-threat. Anger is a necessary and normal human emotion that can be used in a positive way if one just deals with it productively, rather than destructively.

Anger and Women:
As you're reading this, female readers, think about how you feel about expressing your anger. Historically, women were not encouraged to express anger for fear of comprising their "ladylike" demeanor. Stereotypically women are supposed to be the ones who subdue anger and react calmly and rationally to situations. Although society’s evolved a bit, I don't think things have changed too much. If anything, the emergence of feminism may have influenced women to go a little over board with expressions of anger.

When a woman expresses anger in even a slightly aggressive way, she is still taking the risk of being called a "bitch." Better yet, someone may ask her if she's “PMS-ing.” Fear of being stereotyped or criticized for expressing anger/frustration can cause a woman to bottle up emotions instead of expressing them in healthy ways, which leads to NOTHING positive.


Anger and Men:
Just as we categorize "good" and "bad" emotions, it seems that we do the same according to "masculine" and "feminine." It is socially acceptable to consider anger a masculine trait (speak out if you don't agree). It often seems that displays of anger are more widely accepted in men than women, at least in our society. This does not include anger expressed in illegal ways, which is a whole other topic. The point is, anger is considered to be a more aggressive, masculine trait.

Anger and Self-Esteem
Having low-self esteem makes a person more likely to be easily provoked and to express anger in unstable ways. When people with low self-esteem are angered they tend to take people’s innocent acts and words as personal violations. Everything is personal and even little comments can offend.  They also lack the ability to stand up for themselves, so instead of speaking out about their feelings, they bottle them up. We all know where that eventually leads….an EXPLOSION of emotions that ends up hurting people and destroying relationships.


Studies show that rather than suppressing anger or expressing it negatively, people with high self-esteem tend to approach their anger in a problem solving way, either with a confidante, or with the person who provoked it, or both. Instead of letting emotions guide, people with high self-esteem work to find the source of their anger and combat it in a productive manner.


Anger: Men and Women
I regret to admit that self-esteem seems to plague the female population more than the males; however, it’s an unfortunate aspect of all people’s lives. I would like to encourage both men and women to shatter the stereotypes I’ve discussed and treat everyone equally and regard all people’s feelings as valid, whether they are female or a male.


Dealing with Anger
I’m sure many of you are familiar with the term, “venting.” It’s a common term that the dictionary describes as a “release of strong feelings.” I recently read a study about venting, and how there are positive and negative ways to vent (as you can see, our society loves to categorize.)


Researchers from the University of Tennessee had a sample size of women fill out questionnaires about anger and found that the most counterproductive were “yelling, screaming and lashing out.” This type of venting not only influences the “bitch” stereotype but it disrupts a person’s physical demeanor and ultimately makes anger worse.


Another very unhealthy way to deal with anger is rumination. It’s the idea of continually thinking a thought or dwelling on one’s anger over and over again. Rumination is a word that comes from cows. It means to regurgitate partially digested food and chew it again. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR THOUGHTS? I think NOT!


So productive ways to deal with anger, according to the article and myself?1. Problem Solve – find out the source, and find out what can resolve this anger.

2. Participate in a physical or mental activity that calms you and stops you from over-thinking.
Examples: exercise, meditation, video games, talking with friends whatever it takes!

3. Discuss angry feelings, with yourself and if possible, the person the anger may be directed towards.

4. Use creative outlets: writing, journaling, drawing, music. Creativity feeds the soul!


Thanks everyone! Comments appreciated!




*If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot. ~Korean Proverb*

I'm Angry and I know It: An Overview of a Difficult Emotion

10 Ways to Ruin a Relationship

Jealousy – You can have all the connection and chemistry you want, but if one of the people in the relationship has jealousy issues, things will never work. Respect your partners time and understand that you both need space to do things with out each other. Being jealous when your partner spends time with friends or does activities without you will just cause conflict and put strain on the relationship.All jealousy does is allows the another person to have power over your feelings. Usually the reasons for feeling jealous are made up inside your head anyway, so what's the point?

Unresolved Personal Issues/Baggage  When you have personal issues or unresolved trauma in your life, it’s going to translate into your relationships. It’s important to face those issues and identify your triggers so you don’t take it out on the other person. Save the conflict for the REAL issues.

Lack of Trust – This is a no-brainer. If you can’t trust the other person you will constantly be second guessing their actions towards you and it will drive you insane. You have to be open to the idea of fully trusting your partner and allow that person to reinforce that trust with their behavior. If they don’t reinforce, then they aren’t worth trusting!

Communication Issues – This refers to miscommunication, OVER-communication and under-communication. Yes, you can over-communicate. If you are constantly attached to your phone, texting your significant other with every move you make (“Hey baby! I’m going to the bathroom now....and now I'm taking a shower...Ok just got out of the shower..etc. etc. etc") then you have a major problem. You need to be able to take space and not talk about everything during every minute of the day. Mystery can be a good thing. If there are miscommunications, work to find ways to communicate that make sense to both of you. Ask for what you need when it comes to communication, because that is the only way you'll get it!

Dishonesty  - Be honest. And not just when a question is   
    asked of you. Be forthright with information about yourself

and who you are. Don't be shady!

Moving Too Fast – Slow and steady wins the race! There is no rush to make things “official” or “lock it down” or “DTR” aka “Define the relationship” (anyone watch “Awkward” on MTV?) after a couple dates. Using the L word right away isn’t necessary. Let things flow and be and when the time is right, the conversation will come. If it doesn’t then maybe things aren’t right.

Focus too much on the future…or too much on the past – Learning to be in the present…in "the now” is a hard thing to do for most people but it’s the key to staying healthy in your personal life and in your relationships. If you are constantly worrying about the future of your relationship you won’t be able to enjoy what you have in the present. If you are constantly dwelling on your past, or past mistakes and arguments then you are wasting time because you can’t change it. You can only move forward and take it one day at a time.

Trying to change your partner – Get to know the person you are dating and figure out if you can accept them exactly the way they are – the positive and the negative. Constantly trying to change someone can make them resent you and eventually cause the end of a relationship. If there are deal-breakers in their personality that you just can’t handle then don’t try to change them, accept it and move on.

Manipulation  - Being passive-aggressive instead of just outright communicating can ruin a relationship. Be open, honest and don’t play games. In games there is a “winner” and a “loser” and relationships aren’t competitions. 

Insecurity  - When one or both of the individuals in a relationship are insecure it can cause a great deal of conflict. Insecurity can lead to jealousy and dependence issues on one or both sides. 

Any others anyone would like to add? Feel free to share your thoughts! 

10 Ways to Ruin a Relationship

The Stages of A Relationship: Part 2

Last week I covered The Stages of a Relationship and discussed the first two: the “Honeymoon” stage and the “Disillusionment” stage. If you haven’t read it do so NOW!

So let’s get right into it…


Stage 3: Permanent Commitment
This stage of a relationship can take form in several different ways. It usually involves a commitment of publicly being “in a relationship” and eventually leads to cohabitation and/or marriage. At least that’s how it traditionally goes in our culture. ….

There are two parts to this stage. The first part includes the commitment that you and the other person are a “couple.” You don’t necessarily share everything or live together but you have committed to being a “unit.” This means you consider one another in your individual life decisions and you work on deepening your connection with that person beyond what you felt in the honeymoon stage. Yes, so the honey moon is over but as a trade off, you get a deep sense of friendship and romantic involvement that surpasses all the “butterflies” and “googly eyes” you felt in stage 1.


It’s important in this first part of stage 3 for individuals to really evaluate whether they are making this commitment for the right reasons and if they are personally ready to do it in the first place. Wrong reasons for making a commitment? Let’s see…


“It’s time, we’ve been dating long enough so I guess we should make it official.”


“My biological clock is ticking.” (females, ahem)


“Well I’ve got nothing better going on.”


NOT THE RIGHT REASONS FOR ENTERING INTO A COMMITMENT!


Before you take this big step, you’ve gotta “get your sh*t together,” so to speak. If you have all of these unresolved personal issues (i.e. you have jealousy or anger issues or extreme low-self esteem) you are not going to be able to successfully give your 50% in a committed relationship. So DO something about it!


The second part of stage 3 includes planning a future together. That may mean getting married, joining assets and all that fun legal stuff. This part of the stage is about settling into a life together, developing routines and accepting differences. You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve CHOSEN them.


It is estimated that only 5% of couples who enter Stage 1 actually make it to Stage 3, according to The Relationship Institute. For some, that may seem depressing. But if you really think about it, it just means that you may have to meet many of the “wrong” people before you find the right match for yourself! So don’t give up just because you’ve had a couple of bad dates. You may need to meet 20 more potential partners to actually find one that works for you. In the meantime, enjoy yourself! I was thinking, this is probably why many people have resorted to online dating. We are so busy (or maybe lazy) that we end up letting computer surveys match us up instead of taking the time to make face to face interactions. I think that’s a whole other blog topic right there….moving on.


Stage 4: Recommitment
This stage is not always used, but I think it’s extremely important. Recommitment is a lifelong growing process. It can only take place once each partner has determined that they can be who they are and be in a permanent commitment.

Relationships aren’t easy, hence the reason why we have such a huge divorce rate in this country. Life changes and people constantly evolve, therefore it is only natural that changes will continue to occur even after permanent commitment. There will always be “high” times and “low” times in your relationship but it’s a ride that you are taking together.


According to psychology Robert Sternberg, the most complete form of love is called “Consummate Love” which includes a harmony and equal balance of intimacy (attachment and closeness), passion (sexual attraction; desire), and commitment (shared achievements and future goals combined). Consummate love requires continual modification, adjustment, and maintenance.


The more you know about the stages the easier it will be to recognize and deal with them as they enter your life, so I encourage everyone to do their own individual research and reading! I hope this two-parter was helpful and not discouraging. I’d love to know your thoughts on these stages and your own personal experiences.


Thanks Everyone!



The Stages of A Relationship: Part 2

The Stages Of A Relationship, Part 1

All relationships have stages and evolve through time - it’s an inevitable part of life. As individuals, we change and grow and mature with time so it is only natural that change becomes evident in our relationships. I thought I would take a blog post to go over the 4 most common stages that have been identified by psychologists and researchers in romantic relationships and see what people’s thoughts are on them.

This blog post is dedicated to just Stages 1 & 2 because it’s a bit lengthy and I want everyone to digest it and reflect back to me! So stay tuned for Part 2 next week.

Stage 1: Infatuation/Initial Attraction (AKA the courtship period,  the “honeymoon phase” and….well, the best part)

            This is literally THE most exciting stage in a relationship. We’ve all been there: butterflies, constant excitement, long phone conversations, and sickening other people with your lovey-dovey obsession with each other. You want to spend a lot of time with the person and you focus on all of your commonalities with them. When you aren't with them, you're thinking about them and how you can make plans with them. When you ARE with them everything is effortless and you feel like you "just can't get enough". In short, it’s pretty dang amazing. 

This is also a time when the biological aspects of love relationships become most prominent. To make a long story short, the pleasure center in our brain is so hyped up on dopamine (among other neurotransmitters) as a result of being “in love” that we can be compared to a drug addict. Literally, neurologists have found similarities between a brain "in love" and a brain on drugs.

During this time, fellow drug addicts, it’s really important to ask yourself, "Am I more attracted to the idea of being 'in like' or 'in love' than I am the person?" We often find ourselves addicted to the euphoric feelings more than actually giving ourselves time to get to know the person. Might as well face it, we're addicted to love.

Stage 2: Initial But Limited Commitment (AKA the “disillusionment stage”)

So unfortunately, our brains are wired to adapt to new and positive changes  (which is why commercialism exists) and eventually we start to phase out of Stage 1. Stage 2 is when individuals in the relationship have a reality check. The relationship is exclusive but each person is really try to figure out if things are worth pursuing long-term. Problems can emerge in this stage because now the couple is focusing less on their commonalities, and noticing more of their differences. A higher comfort level has been reached which  puts less of a focus on impressing each other. "Real" selves begin to emerge and people start to notice flaws. Intense conflict usually occurs if the couple doesn’t learn how to solve conflict and accept their differences.

Honestly, The phase kinda sucks. The big bright bubble of love has been burst and now you’ve got to face reality. During this stage, women may feel neglected because their guy is more comfortable now and he doesn’t text or call as often. Many females often make the mistake of thinking, “He’s over me,” when he is just more comfortable and doesn’t feel the need to “chase” anymore. This is NOT a bad thing, and it doesn’t mean there will never be any romance or excitement in your relationship ever again. This stage is necessary and important to the path of a committed relationship. The key to this part in a relationship is practicing patience and awareness. I’m not sure how men feel in this stage in the relationship, but I’d like to hear from any men on this if they have comments! COMMENT NOW!

In short, stage 2 is the “make it or break it” stage. Individuals should ask themselves, "Is this relationship right for me?" and "Do I want a permanent commitment with this person?"

This last question is SUPER important: "Is this the kind of relationship I want?" (Not just, "Is this the kind of PERSON I want?") 

 

Tell me, how do you feel about Stage 1 and 2 in romantic relationships after reading this post?

Stage 3 &4 to come next week! 

The Stages Of A Relationship, Part 1

What Do Men and Women Want From A Relationship?

As you would imagine, when it comes to the major things each sex wants in a relationship the answers differ. I’ve talked to males and females about what they want in a relationship and what makes them happy and the answers never seem to match up. I’ve highlighted in previous blog posts that men and women are very different. Although we are all human beings, men and women differ when it comes to brain structure, ways of thinking and ways of processing. It’s only natural then for us to think differently when it comes to what we want in a relationship.

This blog is dedicated to the top 3 things men and women want in relationships, based on researching articles and my own conversations with people. I’m hoping this will help each sex understand each other just a little better in hopes of creating happier relationships out there!

Top 3 Things Men Want in a Relationship:

1. Drama-Free! - Men want a manipulation-free relationship. Save the drama for yo mama, ladies! If something bothers you, straight up tell him – don’t try to be passive-aggressive about it until he gets the hint. Don’t cause unnecessary drama where it isn’t needed i.e. picking fights about the little things. In addition, I think a major part of this is not over-analyzing. When you constantly over-analyze a relationship drama is bound to occur.

2. A Healthy Intimate Life - Okay, in case you’re wondering, yes, this is a watered-down way for saying “men want sex.” For couples not having sex for religious or other reasons, this can be substituted for just time spent one-on-one. But for sexually active couples, whether married or unmarried, a healthy sex life is important for both both men and women. Men just seem to put a little more focus on it than women. Intimate time with a partner is the way you communicate how you care for each other and hell, it’s fun!

3. Truthfulness - This last one was hard because this was a tie-breaker with “faithfulness” and a couple others but I thought I’d highlight it because I think it’s important. Don’t be a liar, don’t cheat and just be honest about how you feel, who you are, and what’s been going on in your life. A relationship built on lies is doomed to fail.

Top 3 Things Women Want in a Relationship:

1. Ackowledgement -  It’s simple: we want to know that we matter because frankly sometimes we forget and we need to be reminded. A lot of women complain about feeling super special during the beginning “honeymoon” stage of relationship and then feeling a bit neglected once the relationship enters a “comfort zone.” This is why many relationships don’t make it out of stage one! It is very important for women to know that they still matter even after the comfort zone has been reached. Texting, planning and calling shouldn’t end just because things aren’t as new. When we don’t hear from you we start to over-analyze which can lead to drama - which we KNOW you don’t want. On another note, things should still be balanced – it doesn’t always have to be the guy doing the initiating conversation. But it seems that women need the acknowledgment just a little more than guys so it doesn’t hurt =)

2. Understanding - We want you to understand that sometimes we just need to talk and get it out without you fixing the problem. Not everything can just be fixed up with a hammer and nails. Women are “venters” by nature and sometimes we vent to our significant others. I do recommend to women, however, to still vent with friends because a man can only take so much. We also would appreciate it if you would understand that we are women and sometimes we aren’t as clear-cut and rational as you are. We make the world beautiful with our emotions and our diversity of thought. That’s why you like us!

3. Affection – Affection is the equivalent of sex for men. We need it in order to feel connected with our partner. Women also need sex – we just don’t put a huge emphasis on it. This is why we often see women having sex to gain affection and men “faking” affection to gain sex. It’s all imbalanced. So maybe we can compromise a little and meet in the middle? And when I mean affection I mean more than just a couple kisses before sexytime. No tooting it and booting it! Is it really so hard to hold hands, kiss a little (even on the cheek!), or anything in between? I think not!

A final quote:

“What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.”

I think this is SUCH a powerful quote. Let’s strive to break the barrier of misunderstanding people! Not all men are “dogs” and not all women are “crazy”, I promise!        

What Do Men and Women Want From A Relationship?

Who is Better at Compromising: Men or Women?

So meet me in the middle well, come on, let's make up a dance and we'll agree to call it the compromise. – The Format.

It is a given that compromise is a part of all relationships. In order to dwell in harmony of sorts we have to be able to tolerate certain aspects of other people. Of course, I’m referring to the little things. There are some things that no one should ever tolerate such as abuse of any kind (verbal, emotional, mental, and physical). Compromise is about letting go of the idea that everything needs to go your way. It involves taking into account another individuals’ personality, opinions and actions. As the song by The Format suggests, “meet me in the middle.” So I was thinking: who is more likely to compromise in a relationship, a man or a woman? Or do we just compromise (or not compromise) in different ways?

When it comes to women there are a couple of things I have observed. Some of us compromise too much and some of us refuse to compromise. Unfortunately, both lead down a road of trouble and heartbreak. Women often compromise too much of themselves when they get in a relationship and start to lose their identity. It is so easy to get caught up in feelings for someone to the point where morals, values, interests and personality traits get compromised. 

On another hand, I think many women also have issues with compromising in relationships and while looking for a potential partner. In a way, I partly blame society for this. We (females) are bombarded at such a young age with these ideas about a prince charming coming to our rescue.  It’s almost as if we are programmed to keep "waiting it out" and not settle so Mr. Charming will come and sweep us off our feet.  Meanwhile, we can just live life wistfully singing and talking with farm animals (or dwarves, a giant tamed tigers,  Jamaican crabs…take your pick) until he arrives. And when he does finally arrive he will be EVERYTHING we want him to be: attentive, loving, in tune with his emotions, rich, faithful and with a great head of hair. Pfft. Right? It gets worse as we get older with romantic comedies. Don’t get me wrong I love romantic comedies as much as the next girl – but sometimes they infuriate me because I know they are just planting my brain with an idea of romance that isn’t REAL. I think that many women hold on to this idea of who their “prince charming” is supposed to be (ahem, Ryan Gosling) and they lose sight of things that really matter in a relationship.

It’s possible that some women consider compromising for “settling” which isn’t the same thing. We are told by society that we can and should “have it all.” And we can! It’s just important to have the right attitude about men and who they are and come to grips with reality on what a relationship is. Sorry to burst your Disneyfied, romantic-comedy-made bubble but relationships are not a fairy tale, they are hard work. We don’t expect our friends, parents or anyone else to be perfect, why would we expect the same from our "Mr. Right"? 

Men and compromise--I don’t have too much to say about this because I am not a man. But if I reflect on the way men are portrayed in society, men are definitely not encouraged to compromise at all. A "strong" man is one who sticks to his guns and does not compromise. A "strong" man does not need to heed a woman’s opinion or change any of his actions/attitudes for her. From my experience, men resist change on behalf of a woman especially when a woman is doing everything in her power to try to change him. I'm not sure why women do it but you'd think we would get the hint by now. I’ve witnessed men make compromises for the women they love, but on their own terms and their own time. 

In comparison to women, you don’t see many men being manipulated and changing their entire lives for a relationship. I am reminded of the Sex and the City episode where Big casually mentions to Carrie that he may be moving to Paris and doesn’t even consider her in the whole decision. If it had been a woman who was offered a job in Paris the first thing she would have thought about was her significant other. From the way I see it, men are definitely more independent which makes them a little less willing to compromise – but I think it depends on the relationship they are in and their level of maturity.

Men, what do you think about compromise in relationships? How much are you willing to compromise, if at all?

And females, do you think you tend to compromise too much or too little in relationships?

All I know is that I believe if two people truly care for each other – they can compromise on the little things to meet in the middle and make a dance of harmony on their own  =]

Who is Better at Compromising: Men or Women?

Vulnerability and Romantic Relationships

Is it possible to love someone or have feelings for them without making yourself vulnerable? I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is no.

As I think about this, how can a person get to know someone or have them know you if you don’t risk something? If you walk around with a wall around your heart and let no one in your life the only risk you take is being alone.

Vulnerability is seen as a bad thing in our society, especially for men. To be vulnerable is to allow for transparency and possibly show your weaknesses to someone. Doing so risks the chance of getting hurt and giving up your independence. Sometimes being vulnerable is to allow someone into the places of your life and heart that you never have before. For some people, being vulnerable just means admitting your feelings to someone and risking that they may not return them.

In my opinion, vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you are strong enough to put your heart on the line for another person, or for the sake of love.

Madeline L’Engle said, “When we were children we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

I think a main aspect of vulnerability that needs to be understood is this: emotional vulnerability should not be mistaken for emotional insecurity. Emotional vulnerability is not being over emotional or over indulgent in feelings or expression of emotion. It is not about jealousy, clinginess or over-obsession. All of these things occur when vulnerability is felt by someone who is insecure.

We all fear vulnerability to an extent because it means we are emotionally unprotected. In my opinion a person is ready to be vulnerable in a healthy way when they are secure enough to do so without unhealthy behavior.

If you are afraid of being vulnerable, think about the reasons why. What are you afraid of? Is it better to have tried and failed than to constantly wonder what would have happened if you didn’t put yourself out there?

No one ever regrets doing something as much as they regret NOT doing something. Because it’s definitely better to know, than wonder.

Vulnerability and Romantic Relationships

PMS....Yes, we're talking about it.

Yes ladies and gentlemen today’s blog is about one of the most dreaded acronyms to plague the female existence: PMS, also known as Pre-menstrual Syndrome. Men joke about it, women complain about it. No one quite understands it - not even women…and we EXPERIENCE IT, which makes it even more mysterious and a royal pain in the ass. The reason I am dedicating a blog post to this not-awkward-at-all subject is that it often causes relationship stress and unnecessary drama. I think awareness is the first step to fixing a problem so here we go!

So let me start with the facts:

PMS stands for Pre-menstrual syndrome - please be absolutely clear on this. It does not occur during the time when a woman is actually on period. PMS shows up about one or two weeks before a woman’s period actually starts and causes the appearance of many delightful symptoms. Symptoms are worse for some women than others whereas some don’t have any signs or symptoms at all. According to a study I read, 85% of women have reported experiencing PMS symptoms, so ladies just remember you are NOT ALONE.

What happens during this time, you ask? It’s a combination of physical and emotional symptoms. According to my research, over 200 different symptoms have been associated with PMS (OMG!!!!!!!!) but the three most occurring mental symptoms are tension, unhappiness and irritability. Others also include enhanced stress and anxiety, headaches, moodiness, tiredness, libido abnormalities, and increased emotional sensitivity. Physically women also experience feeling bloated, cramping, back pains and swelling in the breasts. That last one men shouldn’t complain about, ha ha.

Just reading those symptoms over again make me want to scream. If this occurs at minimum about one week per month then that means women are spending 12 weeks out of the year “PMSing.”

Biologically, PMS is also a mystery. The exact causes haven’t been pinpointed but researchers have thought it to have a direct correlation with the activity of serotonin in the brain, which creates peace and happiness. I also read that women who are “PMSing” have a low level of circulating serum levels of beta-endorphin, which is an opiod neurotransmitter. This neurotransmitter has a similarity to the same receptor that is accessed by drugs like heroin. Researchers have also documented similarities between PMS symptoms and opiate withdrawal symptoms. Ok seriously? The more I read about PMS the more I want to become a man.

In all honesty, it does give me a little comfort in knowing I’m not alone and that there are honest-to-goodness biological aspects driving my occasional irrational behavior during that pre-"time of the month.”

Yes, women suffer from this plague called PMS, but what we don’t realize is that everyone else around us also suffers, including the men in our lives. Let’s face it, women want to think we can totally deal with it, be strong and not let it get to us but when the time comes it just doesn’t happen. So my questions are: First, what do women want from men when they are “PMSing?” And second, men what do you think you can do during that time to alleviate and not agitate the situation?

I have a couple ideas about what women want from men:

1) A general understanding that maybe we are not completely rational during that time.

2) If we say something irrational, don't take it seriously.

3) If we ask if we look bloated, the answer is always NO.

4) Don't leave the toilet seat up.

5) Give us a hug.

6) Be aware that we may be creating unnecessary drama in our head, so If we look lost in thought, it's just because our hormones are tricking us into thinking something is wrong when it's not.

7) Do not say to us, "OH YOU'RE PMSING." or "OH, ARE YOU ON  YOUR PERIOD AGAIN?" or we will punch you in the face.

In response to your help men I personally will encourage women all over the world to do the following:

1) Increase our awareness when we are PMSing and try to monitor any crazy thoughts and feelings that may appear.

2) Spend extra time relaxing, exercising or whatever else relieves stress.

3) Try our best not to create unnecessary drama.

4) If we feel like crying, we will attempt to indulge our tears in a sad movie or ASPCA commercial instead of crying about the fact that you didn't text back right away, or you hesitated when we asked if we looked fat in that dress.

5) Eat LOTS OF CHOCOLATE.

Okay the last one was a joke. Kind of…Now I’d like to have the women speak up! What frustrates you about PMS? What do you feel like men could do to help? What do YOU do to deal?

And men…how do you feel about the whole thing?  

Hope to hear some opinions!<3

PMS....Yes, we're talking about it.

The Past And Relationships

Anyone who has ever lived has a past – baggage that stays with us in the present and determines a great deal of our personality. Although we try our best to learn from past negative experiences, they always influence our future by making us hesitant to take certain risks (whether we like it or not.) No one wants to repeat past mistakes, or go through heartache they have gone through before, but sometimes it happens because we don’t take the time to really understand our past actions.

There are many aspects of the “past” to consider. When two people start a relationship, it is a given that you both have a past and that there are people that have existed before YOU. Sometimes curiosity gets the best of you and you find yourself having long drawn out conversations about past lovers and exes. If you think about it, what really is the point of that? Is it going to make a positive difference in your life if you know more about what his/her ex looked like or how great or horrible their relationship was? No. The person is here NOW with YOU, and that’s all that matters. Unless of course they are verbal that their ex still matters to them – that’s a whole other issue. It really isn’t a good idea to get involved with someone if they are still holding on to a past relationship.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to forget the past, it is a part of our lives. So why do we even try to pretend it doesn’t exist? The negative things that occurred in the past occurred for a reason. We can take those occurrences, understand them, accept them and move forward. Bitterness and frustration over the past doesn’t go away overnight, of course. Sometimes it takes time for it to fade and to see a situation objectively, beyond just the pain you felt at the time.

My next thought is about revisiting the past. Sometimes people from your past leave your life for awhile and you find them back in your life again. Some people would rush to say that this is a complete mistake, and some would disagree. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it - I guess it depends on the situation. But if it’s something you feel is right, go with it. In situations like this it is important to take it slow – renewing a relationship takes time, patience and understanding. Making it easy to just “start back at square one” with someone just invites the past to resurface and continue the chaotic relationship you once had. Second chances are a beautiful thing….just don’t take them for granted.

One final thought:

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

The Past And Relationships

Great (and not so great) Expectations in Relationships

There are so many avenues to go down when it comes to discussing expectations in relationships.The first that comes to mind are the certain expectations that come with labels we place on relationships. When you’re “dating” expectations are low but as a relationship grows and becomes a “serious relationship” or “engaged/married,” more expectations start to surface. Even if we try to fight it, it just always seems to happen – which is why I think many people these days are refusing to put the label of “marriage” on themselves. 

So it seems there is a very small chance of avoiding expectations in any relationship. I think I’ve noticed that a main problem with women and expectations is the fact that we think guys should read our minds. Ladies, although it would be wonderful, life is not a romantic comedy and our men are not always going to have the right thing to say. In fact, they may say the “wrong” thing more often than not. The popular saying goes: we teach people how to treat us, and it’s true. If you aren’t happy with something a guy does, instead of being passive-aggressive and trying to manipulate him into the right behavior, just straight up tell him how you feel! You’ll be surprised how well this can work.

As far as men and expectations goes, I don’t have as much experience because I am a woman, so I’d like to hear what men have to say as regarding their expectations for their girlfriends or wives. Speak to me men! 

All I know is that men: if you don’t know what to do in a situation – just ASK us what we want. We might not even know but at least you asked. But please don’t say, “Well what do you want from me?” or “What do you expect me to say?” I think that may just piss us off. Yeah, we’re complicated. 

I was reading an article about the different ways to prevent the development of high expectations in a romantic relationship too early. I think that high expectations too early and rushing into a relationship can cause the romance to fizzle and the relationship to fall apart. 

So here’s some “fashioned bylaws of romance” according to Virginia Saddock, a professor of Psychiatry at NYU:

    1.  Don't rush into sex. (Agreed, Sex changes everything.) 

        
       2. Let the relationship deepen slowly over months. (Which                     requires PATIENCE)

    3. Think about what you bring to the relationship, not what you         get from it. (Definitely a thought, aren't we always selfishly    

     thinking about what we are getting than what we are giving in a 

     relationship?) 

    4.  Understand that heady passion may not last, but love does. 

    (Although heady passion can be fun every now and then. heh.)

  

    5.   Work through problems to have a stronger relationship in the

           end. (Not the most fun, but definitely important.)

My main problem with expectations is when someone allows you to develop high expectations for them and then stops meeting them. A person can treat you a certain way and give you these expectations of them or how they are going to act and then all of a sudden completely change. 

What I think is just as important as managing your expectations of another person is managing the expectations you are setting for that person. Don’t lavish someone with attention for a certain amount of time because you feel insecure or needy (OR WHATEVER) and then suddenly stop because you are over it. Be consistent – I think that is a huge part of being in a healthy relationship. 

That’s all she wrote!

Great (and not so great) Expectations in Relationships