It's up to US, to know ourselves and to attempt to establish healthy relationships. This blog is about all sexes and genders, how we think and what we think. It is a blog about "maybe's" and "what if's". It is a conversation about media awareness, diversity, inclusion, relationships, sex, love and everything in between.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Rejection, Pt 2. Is Honesty The Best Policy?


Well here it is ladies and gents….

Rejection, part dos.  Sometimes we actually do the rejecting instead of getting rejected which can be almost as hard. Emphasis on almost. It’s not quite up to par with the disparate feeling of being rejected - in my book, at least.

So my question is, when rejecting someone, or to sugar coat it: when telling someone you don’t have strong enough feelings to continue a relationship ----Wait is that nicer? I don’t even know.

Whatever.

When kicking someone out of your romantic life (ha!), is honesty the best policy? How many of us have the actual balls to say, “Hey I just don’t feel enough chemistry with you?”

I’m going to admit, I am the worst rejecter in the history of the universe. And I think a lot of people can relate. It’s so much easier to just kind of stop answering the person’s phone calls and texts and let it fade out….or tell them some bullsh** answer like, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.” Or “I just need some time for me right now.”

The truth is if it was the right person, you would work it out because if you truly felt a connection with them nothing would stop you from pursuing that relationship, even if you weren’t ready. Because, face it, who is ever ready?

Or maybe what I just wrote is the formula for the reason why so many people have destructive relationships – jumping in when they aren’t ready.

=)

All I want to know is – is it better to just tell the truth?

Should I have told Mr. Bad Kisser that his breath tasted like moldy cheese and that good kissing does not under any circumstances involve playing hide and seek with my tonsils? Gag me with a spoon. Or would it have been appropriate to tell a man that I felt huge around them because they were shorter than me when I wore heels and risk being called shallow?

I don’t know about that last one, but I think that if I had been more honest in the past about my reasons for backing off, I would have spared a lot of hurt feelings.

Maybe it is okay to tell someone that you just don’t feel that spark you are looking for…or that you just don’t feel the chemistry with them. Maybe it’s okay to tell someone you don’t feel that physical attraction…and risk being shallow.

Or maybe we should keep lying to save each other’s egos.

What do you think?

Share/Bookmark

Monday, December 20, 2010

Rejection: Who is less afraid?





Rejection. It sucks. Quite frankly it is probably one of the main reasons many people choose to be alone. It's easier than having to ask someone out and have them say NO and make you feel like a loser.

It’s also easier than having to hear, "It's not you, it's me." WHEN YOU KNOW ITS YOU.  Shut up and just give me the real reason.  

Would we really even want the real reason? Would we want to hear, “I just don’t see you in my future.” Or, “You have really bad breath and I just can’t stand it anymore.” Or here’s a good one, “Just FYI….size does matter.” Ha ha ha. Can you imagine if people told each other the complete truth? That’s a whole other blog topic right there….(and here is the entry, click this link!)

Everyone has fears when it comes to interpersonal relationships and the entanglements that come with being in them. It seems that the fear of rejection is major among both men and women.

But are men less afraid of rejection than women? 
 
I know sometimes I like to point the finger at men – okay let’s face it, not sometimes…a lot of times. But I’m just trying to UNDERSTAND. In my subjective opinion, it seems that men deal with rejection better. They may feel the same as women but it seems like they are a bit more persistent at getting “back up on the horse,” as they say, and trying again. I’ve met some pretty persistent men and sometimes the persistence worked and sometimes it didn’t quite go the way they wanted it to. But hey, at least they tried?
So I see this persistence in the face of rejection and I KNOW there is no way I would ask a guy out ten times and have him say no. After I got one “No” I would be walking away with my tail between my legs feeling like crap. When I’ve been or felt rejected I’ve always questioned my self-worth and I think many women can attest to this. However, I don’t usually hear men expressing these feelings. 

However, I have heard the following:
“Oh that girls probably a lesbian” (Laughter laughter laughter)
“Eh….she was kind of slutty”
“Oh I wasn’t really into her anyway I was just playing around.”
“She’s not really my type anyway, she’s too much of a party girl [or insert another negative description here].” 

Is this some kind of defense mechanism?

And what do I hear from women?

“Is there something wrong with me?”
“I’m gonna be alone forever?”
“Am I Ugly?”
“Why was I not good enough for him?”

Is this why men generally do the asking out?  Because women can’t handle it? 

Or maybe this is why men and women deal with break ups differently? 

Both men and women I’d like to hear from you about your experiences dealing with rejection…Have you doubted your self-worth because someone rejected you?

A final thought for those who have let others affect their self-worth (myself included!):
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Thank you Eleanor Roosevelt =)

Share/Bookmark

Friday, December 10, 2010

Consideration: A female trait?

con·sid·er·ation - noun \kən-ˌsi-də-ˈrā-shən\
4: thoughtful and sympathetic regard

So picture this…you make plans with a person you are romantically interested in and you are extremely excited. You have moved around your busy schedule in order to make time for this person so it is obviously significant. The thought of spending time with this person gives you that butterfly feeling in your stomach and even the monotonous tasks of everyday life seem more bearable. The day arrives and you greet it with so much anticipation your head is about to explode. About two hours before you are supposed to meet you get a call – no – A TEXT MESSAGE – saying… “Hey, sorry I’m going to have to cancel something came up.”

-------

Silence. 

Yup, I’ve been there – and I’ve felt like a big jack ass for getting excited and changing my schedule around to hang out with a person just to have them cancel on me. I think many of us have been there. But a weird trend I’m noticing is that this is happening to women a lot more than it does to men.

And it makes me think: Are women just more considerate than men in when it comes to romantic relationships?

And I know – things happen and they come up and blah blah. I’m not focusing on the idea of “bailing” on people or canceling a date because I know sometimes there are things in life one can’t control.

So many women I know have changed their busy schedules to accommodate their significant others while the men don’t give the same consideration. 

Many of us map out our life plans according to how it will affect the men in our lives. We take certain consideration for certain decisions because we wonder what will happen to our significant others. Or even the significant others we haven’t met yet. This may be due to the fact that we have that biological clock that reminds us of our limited time to get procreate, but that's a whole other issue I'm not going to get into. All I know is that in my career plans, I've taken time to really think about how this fits into my desire to get married and have children. And I think many women can relate to this.

This doesn’t just apply to women – of course, this applies to humans who have a ton of consideration for other people and don’t receive it back. It just so happens that most of the men I’ve encountered seem to be a little less willing to accommodate a woman in their lives. 

To be in a relationship, you have to consider each other, that's what it's all about. My advice to people on this is to not make changes in your life for someone who doesn't deserve it.

How do you know they don't deserve it? They don't give YOU consideration. It goes both ways.
To the men out there reading this – have you ever felt that you were extremely considerate of a woman and not received the same treatment?

I know we are all looking out for ourselves, but would it hurt to realize that an alternative to being alone would be to just let yourself accommodate a little bit for another person in your life?

Just a thought.

Share/Bookmark

Thursday, November 18, 2010

To Love or Not to Love? Pt. 2: When Love Goes Wrong.


"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."
- W.H. Auden

I have to admit, immediately after I posted my "love" inspired blog I started to feel very negative about the whole idea. I started thinking about the rising divorce rate and all of the unhappiness I've seen in relationships lately and I started to think, 'Okay why do I love love? Am I a MASOCHIST?!" Then I had a conversation with my dear friend from school Alexis and she brought up oxytocin and I said that I hated it (as if it was an actual physical thing I could touch) and I wanted to punch oxytocin in the face.

Haha. Okay, so I need to calm down and realize that my urge to punch an intangible neurotransmitter is not going to satisfy my frustration toward love. In my effort to do that I'm going to write about the love that doesn’t conclude with a happy ending.

We are all aware that sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes love ends....it fades, people lose interest, they don't see one another in their future, or infidelity exists. Unfortunately sometimes when love ends we feel like it is a waste of time to love at all.

Sometimes frankly, love sucks the royal weenie.

Males and females experience life differently so it's only rational that they experience and deal with break-ups differently. Of course, there are certain universal coping mechanisms we all employ to get through breakups, but how are they manifested between the two sexes?

The first thing that came to mind is that women definitely take break-ups harder than men do. I guess this is a generalization from my own experience and what I've seen from friends. Women tend to deal with it emotionally - crying, eating, spending time to vent with girlfriends and many bottles of wine,  sitting at home in sweats eating ice cream from the container (or better yet, getting a giant bag peanut butter M&M's while watching re-runs of Sex and The City!!!). On the contrary, it seems that the men I know have dealt with their breakups by not talking about it all, hitting the bar with friends and picking up "chicks," or pretending nothing happened and not expressing their emotions on the break-up.

This is even a concept that is shown in the media with breakups - You rarely ever see a man on TV shows or movies in his pjs cuddled up in bed with food eating his feelings, right? It’s always a woman doing that!

So I started searching and I found over 10 articles saying that men suffer more after breakups than women do. Say WHAT?

Research was done by sociologists at Wake Forest University and the University of Florida based on 1,600 responses from unmarried men and women between the ages of 18 to 23. They found that break-ups hurt men's self-esteem more than women's self-esteem because men don't talk to their friends as much as women do, which leads to a sense of isolation and more loneliness.

The researchers also found that while young men are more affected by the quality of a current relationship, young women are more emotionally affected by whether or not they are in a relationship (Read More).


So arguments for this? I mean men out there, do you feel like break-ups were hard for you but you had no one to talk about them to?
Why does it seem like so many men have no emotions when it comes to break-ups but some have ALL these emotions? I guess it goes the same with women.....

I think that – as I always say, it’s partially the way our society is and the way we are genetically constructed. Men are not encouraged cry to each other or talk about their feelings or emotions because if they do it’s crossing a boundary of “manliness” that must NOT BE CROSSED! And don’t deny it men, because I have seen it first-hand.
I just want men out there to know – hey you can talk about it. It’s OKAY to feel sometimes. And if you can’t talk to your guy friends, talk to a girl because they’ll understand. I hope.
So lend me your thoughts, who do you think break-ups are harder on, males or females?


Share/Bookmark

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

To Love or Not to Love: That is the Question?



Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

All you need is Love?

If you don't recognize the reference, and you haven't figured it out by the picture, it’s from Moulin Rouge, one of my all time favorite musicals in the history of the UNIVERSE!

What is this musical about, you ask?

One word: Love.

The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love, and be loved in return. (Moulin Rouge AND the legendary Nat King Cole)

Despite my slightly pessimistic nature and my occasional frustration with the opposite sex I have to admit that I am a believer in love. A hopeless romantic. I love love. I love being in love and I don't care what it does to me. (Thank you, The Format!).

What I've been contemplating lately though is....why? And what is love anyway, except just another four letter word?

Romantic love has been defined in so many contexts: to name a few, scientific, religious, philosophical....

So who is right? Or are all they all right?

The scientific view of love stems from reproduction. Humans were made to mate and we want to mate with the best person possible to make sure our offspring survives. Scientists have studied certain aspects of the senses that draw one another together. Studies on pheromones have established that identifying a partner's smell can drawn one to that person. There are also certain body shapes and physical traits that are linked to fertility (broad hips or large breasts for women and broad chest and shoulders for men or a deep voice). All of these things that attract people to each other lead to the actual experience of spending time with each other and forming an attachment. This attachment is formed through oxytocin, which if you've read my previous blog posts you are familiar with. Oxytocin is the attachment hormone - the all-powerful hormone that is used in many human interactions. It helps in forming an attachment between partners in an intimate relationship and creates an everlasting bond between mother and a child. However, oxytocin is also so powerful that a stranger who merely walks into its line of fire can suddenly seem appealing. (Read More!) So basically science explains love by referring to certain processes that occur in our brain. But how reliable is this because our hormones can trick us into falling in love?! The whole idea makes complete biological sense but it personally makes me feel like a lab rat. On the other hand, I may just be hanging on to my idealized notions about love instead of recognizing what it really is.



Religion has attempted to explain love in many ways. We have the beautiful explanation of love from I Corinthians in the Bible (Read more..). Love is patient...love is kind..dot dot dot. There is a similar verse in the Koran that explains God's love and what he loves but there is nothing that I could find that defines love. It states, ”God loves those who do good" (3:148), "the pure and clean" (2:222), "the patient" (3:146). The definition of love in Buddhism is wanting others to be happy. It is unconditional and requires courage and acceptance. Many   religions also discuss different types of love such as friendship love ("philia" in the New Testament) or sexual love (Kama in Hinduism/Buddhism) and God's love. I can definitely appreciate the traits and aspects that are used to describe love in different religions. But does that really DEFINE love? Maybe love is an experience that can't be defined in human words?


From the philosophical view of Plato, love is considered to be something higher than physical needs. Romantic love is a desire for beauty that transcends all earthly experiences. Aristotle posed the idea of "one soul, two bodies" that led to the modern idea of soul mates: everyone lives as half a soul until they meet "the one" which makes them whole. That notion is very appealing to the hopeless romantic in me. But, really? My rational self kicks in and thinks, "So there is only ONE other person out there for everyone in the world?" Way too much pressure!


So....romantic love: I've done research, I've experienced it first hand (well, at least I think I have), I've seen my friends fall in love but I still can't define it. I know it's a feeling. I know it can consume your life. I know that it's what so many people in the world strive to find.


Maybe love and knowing whether or not you are "in love" with someone is subjective for everyone? Maybe there is isn't one definition of love and everyone experiences it differently?


I know I said this is a blog for "maybes" but I may have over-did it in this entry.


 Maybe (!) that is what is so intriguing about love - the mystery of it all. I'd like to hear your thoughts, as always!
I think I'm going to go watch Moulin Rouge now <3

Until next time, lovers!
 

Share/Bookmark

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Follow my blog with bloglovin
Share/Bookmark

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My Hormones Are In Love With You: Males, Females and Attachment


Check that little comic out. Makes me laugh. Hardy-har-har. Only because it’s kind of true.

It’s an age-old thought: a man fakes (or claims) love to get physical needs met while a woman uses physical needs to get love.

I am quite aware this isn’t always the case and that there are exceptions to this rule, so I’m going to speak on what I’ve learned in my experience and those I’ve heard from others. 

Fundamentally we know this exists at a certain point: men want sex and women want love, intimacy and a feeling of closeness. I love how I used 6 words to describe what women want (which doesn’t even begin to really describe it) and only one simple word to describe what men want. Ha!  As a result of these desires, things happen, people come together and engage in a plethora of different activities, and as a result emerges the dreaded word……

 Attachment.  

You would think we (society, human kind, whoever) would have exhausted this subject already….but as I did some research and looked for related articles I really didn’t find much. I found many references to an episode of Sex And The City where Carrie asks the question “Is it possible for a woman to have sex like a man?” The episode portrays the four SATC women attempting to do this and conclude that physical involvement it isn’t quite the same experience for women that it is for men. 

I think it just comes down to the fact that by nature, (GENERALIZATION) men can compartmentalize better than women when it comes to physical intimacy. We are biologically different which explains a lot of the differences in how we process feelings and experience sex. I’m sure many of you know about all the wonderful hormon-ees (Yes, that’s a Big Fat Greek Wedding reference) that drive us to do the things we do. For example, the wonderful neurotransmitter Oxytocin,  also known as “ the cuddle hormone”, is released during physical intimacy, i.e. kissing, hugging, touching and the big O. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with this neurotransmitter. There are many others that I encourage you to read up on. You might want to start here: Read more!

To females: we know we get more emotionally involved than men, it’s just a fact of life. What fathoms me is why we are so compelled to act like men and try our best not to experience attachment? Why are we trying to deny who we ARE? A possible contributing factor could be due to the fact that we live in a society that is obsessed with sex, love, romance, and physical intimacy which obviously doesn’t help our existing desire to be loved. 

Alright, men, I want you to understand something: physical involvement for a woman CHANGES THINGS. Women like to pretend it doesn’t, but it does. Sometimes we like to claim that it won’t change anything and we’ll tell a man that all we want is a casual encounter. Then it happens and somehow our brain starts convincing us we want more or we start getting attached even when we don’t want to. So unfortunately, when you choose to get involved with a woman (despite what she says) the danger of attachment is there. So don’t act surprised, because I just warned you. I swear if more guys would understand and acknowledge this the world would be a better place. 

So is there such thing as “No strings attached?” 

As far as females are concerned, I think there are definitely ways of having casual encounters without feeling attached but it’s not easy unless you know exactly what you want (and you never see them again ha ha, just kidding?). So just beware when you decide to start a “fling” or cross a boundary with someone into the ever-so-ambiguous land of romance/sex/love. Your feelings are at stake and attachment can set in at any time. Above all, be honest with yourself and the other person and DON’T judge yourself if you make a decision to act on a desire. Finally, ladies don’t expect men to get emotionally attached at the rate you do, because it’s just not going to happen. 

Just know that once you feel attached, that feeling is hard to shake……especially if you have to continue being around the person or you see them often. So think twice (or thrice!!!) before you decide to “woo-hoo” (that’s Sims slang, you love me for that!), because a “Woo Hoo” can turn into a Womp Womp if you aren’t careful. Quote of the day ;)

I feel like this is not the last post I am going to write about this issue. 

I’ll end on that note and just say, “Until next time.” I hope to hear your thoughts.


Share/Bookmark

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Let's Talk...About Talking: Men, Women and Words


Alright ladies, girls, women – admit it, we love to talk and we know it. Based on my conversations with male friends and significant others in the past, I hypothesized that for every 100 words a female speaks, a male speaks 10. Then I did some research.  I found an article that estimates that women talk three times more than men do (Read More). The article proposes that women speak “up to 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man.” Holy moley! The article adds, and this gave me a chuckle, “Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat - and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices.” Ba ha! I believe it. 


Buzz buzz buzz.

I’ve come across some men in my lifetime who could definitely talk it up. But as a generalization (I do a lot of generalizing on this blog don’t I?) women tend to use more words than men. In my experience as a woman and with my female counterparts, we use talking to benefit our well-being. It is a form of therapy, an expression of emotion, a way to “vent” and so much more. There are so many times in my life where I’ve been down in the dumps, called one of my close friends, laughed about some inside jokes and my mood was immediately lifted! That’s also probably because I have an addiction to collecting inside jokes. ;)  

Talking is also a way of nurturing our minds without the need for coming up with a “solution” or a “fix” to the problem.  A quote from an article in Psychology today highlights the difference between men and women and the use of talking: “To a woman, the conveying of the "story" is as important as the story itself, but most men don't care about the details! They want to get to the bottom of things.” (See full article)

In my opinion, females are also experts at non-verbal communication - words are only a fraction of what we are truly communicating. Our voices, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, and body language tell how we feel or what we are thinking, sometimes more than words can possibly express. Unfortunately, non-verbal communication can be even more powerful than words and can be used in manipulative ways, which enters dangerous territory. And remember, just because women have this acute ability to non-verbally communicate it doesn’t mean that all of men’s non-verbal cues should be analyzed, because half the time (or possibly more than that)   THEY MEAN NOTHING. 

Alright, so we get it…….we talk too much ok? I’m sorry I can’t help it, I am a woman and I have all these words in my head I need to get OUT! 

While doing research on the “talking imbalance” between men and women, I came across some other very interesting research and came up with a conclusion: Men may not talk as much as women, but what they lack in words they make up for with thoughts about sex

Yup, I said it.

 Per research from the Kinsey institute at Indiana University, “54% of men think about sex at least every day, 43% think about it a few times a week or month, and 4% once a month or less.” In contrast, “19% of women think about sex everyday or several times a day, 67% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 14% less than once a month” 19% versus 54% - although its not as drastic as some have estimated (“Men think of sex every 7 seconds FALSE), it is apparent that men think about it a lot more than women do.

So can I propose a compromise? We’ll (I speak for women of America) accept that fact that you (men of America) think about sex all the dang time if you will just let us talk and/or ramble on about things you may not necessarily care too much about every now and then. I propose a little swap of understanding, that’s all I’m sayin! 

I’ll end this post with three thoughts of the day to ponder:
·  Men and women THINK differently
·  Men and women SPEAK differently
·  Men and women DECIDE differently

And….that’s a wrap. Thanks again for reading my little blog friends!

 Here's a funny comic to end the day with....








 

Share/Bookmark

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I hate you....Can we be together?

Due to a recent training I’ve been attending to become a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate with Laura's House in South Orange County, my mind has been occupied with the reasons why women (and men) return to relationships with those that hurt them. I've been linking a lot of what I've learned so far with the reasons why so many people continue to love those who hurt them and treat them poorly. With women, it seems like many of us have re-entered “toxic” relationships, even though we rationally KNOW they are not good for us and that the chances of getting hurt again are very high.

Why do humans do things that have negative consequences? I was reading in one of my textbooks about women and the experience of pain during childbirth. Although they can recall that the experience caused them extreme discomfort, they couldn't recall the sensation of how bad the pain was. Basically they forget the pain and still decide to have another child because they are able to forget the immense pain it caused them the first time around. I've never pushed one out so I can't really attest to this but maybe one of you mommas out there can help me with that ;).

Considering this question has made me realize how absolutely ENORMOUS the human desire is to have affection, love and companionship, or in some cases...sex. We are human beings who were made to relate to other people, obtain love, and give love. So when we find someone that we truly connect with it is hard to let go of that person and just move on to someone else. For some people, at least.

In order to return back into a “toxic” relationship there are certain things we do emotionally and mentally to make it work. I think that when we get hurt, we have defenses that go up to protect ourselves. We don't want to feel bad about ourselves or feel rejected, so we apply whatever mechanisms we need to in order to forget that pain. Unfortunately this leads to forgetting how badly someone hurt us or how unhappy we were in a relationship so we return back to that person and we want their love again in our lives.

In addition to the whole memory loss aspect, many people (especially women, unfortunately) think that they can change their partner. They think that if they love that person enough or if they wait long enough that this person will change. So in addition to memory loss, they’re also lying to themselves.

The lyrics of the song “Love Affair” by Copeland (Link) capture the feelings and questions we ask when we are trapped in this sort of relationship. Here are the full lyrics if you want to check them out: Lyrics!!!

In a flash her heart is slain, you have to ask in all this pain.
Was your heart too soft? Was your love in vain?
Was your kiss too weak? Were your eyes too tight?
And much too young to be in love?

We ask these questions because we wonder, “Could I have done something different to make this relationship work, to make this person treat me the way I deserve to be treated?” So we keep going back, in hopes that things will change. This song is one of my all time faves by the way!!! I’m a big song lyric person ha ha. And I have to admit I’ve had this song on repeat several times in my life. 

My question for people dealing with this right now is, what do you believe about yourself? Do you really think this kind of relationship is all you're worth? 

Women, I know I’m generalizing but based on some of my conversations with male friends (And I’m not saying all my male friends are a**holes, you know I love you!), half the time men go back to a relationship is usually not just because they miss, it's because you are making yourself accessible. They know that if they say the right things they will get you back...and get you in the sack. Hey, that rhymes. I should make a rap out of that. Same goes with men, the type of women who manipulate you are going to be able to do so because you let them!

So I urge you - look for patterns. Because there are always patterns. You are together, he/she treats you with love and gives you attention, and finally an argument occurs for whatever reason and you get angry at her/him. You break things off and ignore him/her for a couple days and feel great about it. Then finally she/he calls you or texts you or writes on your damn face book wall (!) and you break down and respond because you don't want to be rude and act like he/she even matters to you. So you talk and he/she jokes with you and you talk about how things are going in your life (Because you know its been THREE WHOLE DAYS of not talking so much must have happened during that time) and all of a sudden you find yourself fond of him/her again and feeling a weird affectionate feeling. I wish I could tell you it stops right there, but it doesn't. Next thing you know you're at the movies with him/her, having a nice dinner...one thing leads to another and............womp womp womp. Back to square one.

I think the # 1 problem is that we want instant gratification and we aren't giving ourselves enough time to fully get over someone. It takes a sufficient amount of time and distance away from a person to see a situation objectively and make smarter decisions.

Don't get me wrong, it hurts and there can be moments where the loss of that person in your life is almost unbearable but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once you are out you will have the ability to look back and realize how trapped you were in that relationship cycle.

I remember a time in my life where I thought that I would rather be unhappy and "with someone" than be alone....this is another lie we tell ourselves because we are so scared of being alone and we convince ourselves that this is the ONLY guy (or girl) we could possibly be with.

Finally, let me just say that no one is immune to this: men and women in all types of relationships. We are creatures of habit, who tend to repeat mistakes and do crazy things for the sake of finding love. Sometimes we learn, sometimes we don't…

To those who have made the mistake of returning to an ex over and over again, was it worth it now that you've broken out of the "cycle"? And what are the reasons you think you stayed in the cycle in the first place?

Share/Bookmark

Monday, September 20, 2010

Harry, you've met your match. Can we be friends?





Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

I'm assuming that a majority of us have seen When Harry Met Sally. It's an oldie but a goodie and possibly one of my favorite "chick flicks" of all time.  If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you get a Netflix subscription immediately and put it at the top of your queue. Hell, go buy it used on 
Amazon for 85 cents because you’ll want to watch it again and it’s cheaper than a Netflix subscription.
When Harry Met Sally is unique in that it is one of the first films in its genre to speak to the idea of men and women being friends without romantic involvement. The film really captures the dynamic of a male/female relationship and how two people of the opposite sex can truly benefit from a friendship with each other.  I just re-watched it and fell in love with it all over again. There is SO much more to this movie than just the friendship debate, but I’ll just focus on that for now.

So, was Harry right? Is it impossible for a man and a woman to have a friendship without either of them developing feelings or being physically involved? Harry spends a good deal of time blaming it on men but I want to take some responsibility here and say that it goes both ways. Also, for the sake of a broad audience I don't want to limit this to just sex. Anything that crosses the "friendship line” counts, including unexpressed feelings from either party.  And to make it clear I'm referring neither to heterosexual individuals who are neither married nor in a relationship. The friendship dynamic changes once significant others are involved and that’s a whole other ball game.


Let's be....friends?
As toddlers you played together in the pool in your underwear, as children you accused each other of having cooties while playing freeze tag on the playground. Then suddenly, puberty hits and you are overtly aware that your next-door neighbor who used to toilet paper your house on Halloween and pull your hair in class is not quite as “cootilicious” as you thought he was. He's actually..........kind of cute, with his Devon Sawa hair cut
and totally awesome skater shoes. Okay, maybe that's just my experience as a pubescent pre-teen -  fill in the blanks where you need to.
After this awakening, the game begins and the rules don't become quite as black and white as they used to be. This game - the game of attraction, dating, "mating" - whatever you want to call it, rises to the surface. The tension is there and although you can't quite explain it thoroughly, it exists and you've been aware of it for years. The effort to remain "just friends" with members of the opposite sex becomes a little bit difficult.
The Media
The media has an influence in our lives, even if we try to avoid it.  Thinking back to the days of classic movies, men and women were always portrayed in some sort of romantic entanglement. In the more recent years it seems that this theme hasn't changed very much. *SPOILER ALERT* Harry and Sally spend the entire movie trying to maintain a friendship and end up in love with each other!  *Okay you can read now*. Other movies come to mind like 13 going on 30, My Best Friends Wedding and Just Friends. I can’t think of one movie out there that portrays a male/female friendship without any romantic involvement (If you can think of one, PLEASE SHARE!). Television shows such as Friends (Monica and Chandler), How I Met Your Mother (Robin and Ted) and Dawson's Creek (Awww, Joey and Dawson...and Pacey!) portray friendships turning into romance and either resulting in a “happy ending” or a break-up while still maintaining the friendship. Unfortunately, in reality this isn’t always the case when friends cross the line into romance. So what is society telling us about friendships with the opposite sex?

Despite the media's attempt to control my mind, I'm still going to stay positive and jump on the bandwagon for "pro" side of this debate. I personally think males and females can truly benefit from friendships with each other.  The dilemma that exists now is....HOW?

Crossing the line...
     Without boundaries in any relationship, it is doomed for failure. So I think in this case it is important to establish boundaries even if it is just a mutual understanding between each other. Things get complicated when loneliness hits and a great deal of time is spent with a person - you start to wonder what "could be." It’s true that it could lead to the love of your life but ultimately you have to decide whether crossing that boundary is really worth the friendship you have. Once a friendship crosses that boundary to a certain point, it is very difficult to retain what you had with that person.
Controlling the tension
   I think keeping the sexual tension in check is something that the females can take a great deal of responsibility for. As Harry and the “It's Up to Us” Logo suggests, men don't always think with their heads. Women don’t always either but we have a little bit more control in the sex area. Generally, females tend to pursue romantic involvement for intimacy whereas men often pursue it for physical needs. So females, keep your heart in check --- and males….well, try your best. The failure to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” in male/female friendship can cause the friendship to cross boundaries and travel into the land of drama, awkwardness and everything in between. And we know how much fun that can be!



So...let's talk.
So how do we establish boundaries and keep the tension from exploding (no pun intended)? Communicate! Females are usually great communicators. We’ve been talking and expressing our feelings since we could formulate sentences. If you feel the awkwardness, start a conversation. Maybe a male who isn't used to communicating can learn a thing or two ;)

If you stumble upon a time when a boundary is crossed it is up to you (fist in the air!) and the other person to clear the air, make intentions clear and move forward. In the end, we are human and our instincts (among other things) may drive us to do some ridiculous things over the span of our lives. But that doesn't mean we say, "Okay, boundary crossed, friendship is OVER, ITS UP TO US, I READ THE BLOG!!”  The friendship can be recovered and let's just say, lesson learned?
*Spoiler Alert Again!* We don't have to copy Harry and Sally's example -  just because they crossed the line and got together in the end doesn't mean we have to do the same!

*Okay read now….You really need to watch this movie if you haven’t seen it people.*
So now I turn it over to you - I would like to hear from you about your experiences with male friends (males, female friends?) and if you feel that you have achieved a successful friendship? Or, how a friend of the opposite sex has brought positive insight into your life.....or if you think Harry was right and it is a complete lost cause and we should all give up. ;)

Tag...you're it. Now give me some opinions!!!!!!!!


Share/Bookmark

Monday, August 9, 2010

It's Up to US!

Hello Readers :)

I'm 25 years old, and when I look back on the past, let's say 10 years of my life....I realize a great deal of time has been spent thinking about men (or, I should say..BOYS). In high school, a boy was pretty much the reason why I wanted to go to school every morning, even with just 80 some people in my entire high school (yes I know, GASP, but that's another story for another day). In high school, about 80% of my girlfriends' conversations revolved around the boys we liked. Looking back, there were so many moments I could have enjoyed so much more if I wasn't so focused on what my crush was doing, who he was talking to, or If my enormous bangs were still in place (because my lush bangs were EXACTLY what got me all the guys in high school, of course).

As my friends and I grew older and attempted adult relationships it seemed that the tears shed and the vulnerability toward men increased. Instead of things becoming easier it appeared that they were becoming even more complicated with each passing year. In the recent years I have spent time questioning why things are the way they are and why the same recurring patterns seem to exist in male/female relationships. I've also contemplated why so many women seem to face the same conflicts in their quest for a man, whether it is the desire for romance, a steady relationship, or simple companionship. Therefore, in honor of my past and present contemplations, and with the speculation that these issues will arise in years to come, I've decided to start a blog.


The purpose of this blog is to initiate conversations about relationships, love, sex and being a woman in this decade. ALL perspectives are appreciated and desired. This blog is open to single women, married women, women in relationships, and everything else in between! I plan to spent time highlighting certain books and movies, my thoughts about relationships and ask questions to see what YOU think about relationships in hopes that you will share similar experiences. I want to create a dialogue that allows females to discuss openly and freely about the things they are dealing with in regard to men and relationships.

This is not about male-bashing or feminism. It is about learning to accept ourselves as women, biologically and mentally, and learning how to deal with life as a woman in the post-modern world. This blog is about discussing and learning from our interactions with men and taking control of how we want to be perceived. And hey, if you're a guy and you'd like to follow you are completely welcome! Of course, be aware to approach with caution ;)

So why, IT’S UP TO US! as the title, you ask? Well even if you didn't ask, this is a phrase that I have found myself saying out loud on many occasions, whether it be to myself, my friends or in general to the sky with my fist in the air (ITS UP TO US!!!!!). I have found that in my relationship experience, whether it is positive or negative, it has always been up to me to take responsibility for my own actions, desires and thoughts. I have placed on myself the responsibility of knowing when I risk the possibility of getting hurt, or when I know I am doing something that could damage my self-esteem. In the end, we are responsible for our own actions and it is up to us (!) to get to know ourselves and what we can handle. Furthermore, I think it is very important for women to understand who men are, how they think and stop trying to make them be like us, and think like us! Therefore it is "UP TO US" to understand, accept and act accordingly.

So, my question is, are you up to the challenge?

Share/Bookmark