It's up to US, to know ourselves and to attempt to establish healthy relationships. This blog is about all sexes and genders, how we think and what we think. It is a blog about "maybe's" and "what if's". It is a conversation about media awareness, diversity, inclusion, relationships, sex, love and everything in between.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Harry, you've met your match. Can we be friends?





Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

I'm assuming that a majority of us have seen When Harry Met Sally. It's an oldie but a goodie and possibly one of my favorite "chick flicks" of all time.  If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you get a Netflix subscription immediately and put it at the top of your queue. Hell, go buy it used on 
Amazon for 85 cents because you’ll want to watch it again and it’s cheaper than a Netflix subscription.
When Harry Met Sally is unique in that it is one of the first films in its genre to speak to the idea of men and women being friends without romantic involvement. The film really captures the dynamic of a male/female relationship and how two people of the opposite sex can truly benefit from a friendship with each other.  I just re-watched it and fell in love with it all over again. There is SO much more to this movie than just the friendship debate, but I’ll just focus on that for now.

So, was Harry right? Is it impossible for a man and a woman to have a friendship without either of them developing feelings or being physically involved? Harry spends a good deal of time blaming it on men but I want to take some responsibility here and say that it goes both ways. Also, for the sake of a broad audience I don't want to limit this to just sex. Anything that crosses the "friendship line” counts, including unexpressed feelings from either party.  And to make it clear I'm referring neither to heterosexual individuals who are neither married nor in a relationship. The friendship dynamic changes once significant others are involved and that’s a whole other ball game.


Let's be....friends?
As toddlers you played together in the pool in your underwear, as children you accused each other of having cooties while playing freeze tag on the playground. Then suddenly, puberty hits and you are overtly aware that your next-door neighbor who used to toilet paper your house on Halloween and pull your hair in class is not quite as “cootilicious” as you thought he was. He's actually..........kind of cute, with his Devon Sawa hair cut
and totally awesome skater shoes. Okay, maybe that's just my experience as a pubescent pre-teen -  fill in the blanks where you need to.
After this awakening, the game begins and the rules don't become quite as black and white as they used to be. This game - the game of attraction, dating, "mating" - whatever you want to call it, rises to the surface. The tension is there and although you can't quite explain it thoroughly, it exists and you've been aware of it for years. The effort to remain "just friends" with members of the opposite sex becomes a little bit difficult.
The Media
The media has an influence in our lives, even if we try to avoid it.  Thinking back to the days of classic movies, men and women were always portrayed in some sort of romantic entanglement. In the more recent years it seems that this theme hasn't changed very much. *SPOILER ALERT* Harry and Sally spend the entire movie trying to maintain a friendship and end up in love with each other!  *Okay you can read now*. Other movies come to mind like 13 going on 30, My Best Friends Wedding and Just Friends. I can’t think of one movie out there that portrays a male/female friendship without any romantic involvement (If you can think of one, PLEASE SHARE!). Television shows such as Friends (Monica and Chandler), How I Met Your Mother (Robin and Ted) and Dawson's Creek (Awww, Joey and Dawson...and Pacey!) portray friendships turning into romance and either resulting in a “happy ending” or a break-up while still maintaining the friendship. Unfortunately, in reality this isn’t always the case when friends cross the line into romance. So what is society telling us about friendships with the opposite sex?

Despite the media's attempt to control my mind, I'm still going to stay positive and jump on the bandwagon for "pro" side of this debate. I personally think males and females can truly benefit from friendships with each other.  The dilemma that exists now is....HOW?

Crossing the line...
     Without boundaries in any relationship, it is doomed for failure. So I think in this case it is important to establish boundaries even if it is just a mutual understanding between each other. Things get complicated when loneliness hits and a great deal of time is spent with a person - you start to wonder what "could be." It’s true that it could lead to the love of your life but ultimately you have to decide whether crossing that boundary is really worth the friendship you have. Once a friendship crosses that boundary to a certain point, it is very difficult to retain what you had with that person.
Controlling the tension
   I think keeping the sexual tension in check is something that the females can take a great deal of responsibility for. As Harry and the “It's Up to Us” Logo suggests, men don't always think with their heads. Women don’t always either but we have a little bit more control in the sex area. Generally, females tend to pursue romantic involvement for intimacy whereas men often pursue it for physical needs. So females, keep your heart in check --- and males….well, try your best. The failure to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” in male/female friendship can cause the friendship to cross boundaries and travel into the land of drama, awkwardness and everything in between. And we know how much fun that can be!



So...let's talk.
So how do we establish boundaries and keep the tension from exploding (no pun intended)? Communicate! Females are usually great communicators. We’ve been talking and expressing our feelings since we could formulate sentences. If you feel the awkwardness, start a conversation. Maybe a male who isn't used to communicating can learn a thing or two ;)

If you stumble upon a time when a boundary is crossed it is up to you (fist in the air!) and the other person to clear the air, make intentions clear and move forward. In the end, we are human and our instincts (among other things) may drive us to do some ridiculous things over the span of our lives. But that doesn't mean we say, "Okay, boundary crossed, friendship is OVER, ITS UP TO US, I READ THE BLOG!!”  The friendship can be recovered and let's just say, lesson learned?
*Spoiler Alert Again!* We don't have to copy Harry and Sally's example -  just because they crossed the line and got together in the end doesn't mean we have to do the same!

*Okay read now….You really need to watch this movie if you haven’t seen it people.*
So now I turn it over to you - I would like to hear from you about your experiences with male friends (males, female friends?) and if you feel that you have achieved a successful friendship? Or, how a friend of the opposite sex has brought positive insight into your life.....or if you think Harry was right and it is a complete lost cause and we should all give up. ;)

Tag...you're it. Now give me some opinions!!!!!!!!


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15 comments:

Rachael said...

Why are two people friends?... because there is an attraction to each other's personalities, a similar interest, or maybe they went through something in their lives that has bonded them. Whatever the reason might be there is a connection that true friends share. When it's a heterosexual male and female or two homosexuals for that matter, there is always that risk of feelings being involved as well as sexual tension. I don't believe that it always happens and I do believe that it is possible for a man and woman to be friends. The thing that makes and can also break the male/female friendship is that connection they share. One might want to take that connection to something more than friendship, whether it be just sexual or a love relationship. Its natural and can be a wonderful thing, but where it becomes a problem is when it is only one sided. How can you be friends when the same feelings aren't returned? Sure it's possible, but I would say it would take a really strong person to maintain a real friendship while dealing with the feelings of rejection or the fact that the feelings may never be returned. Let's hear what you think! Make your comments and lets get this discussion started so we can make Mel's vision come to life!

Melanie Afshar said...

I agree - I think it would be pretty much impossible to stay friends with someone while you have feelings with them and know they don't return those feelings. Especially if this was someone that you spoke with and spent time with on a regular basis. I think feelings like this can be overcome but it just depends on how far you take your feelings.
I believe it is possible for man and women to be friends also...part of me thinks it's because I WANT it to be possible because I think there are so many benefits!!! But from experience I know that line can easily be crossed so it's not easy....
Thank you for your WONDERFUL comments....Everyone keeps telling me how they've read the blog but no one is commenting lol. I love you Rachael Taney!

Jenn said...

That's true, there must be something about that a person that makes you want to get and know them "friends"

Any time when you have a "friend" of the opposite sex there is always a potential there can be more to that friendship in the future.

Real nice site

Rachael said...

Also we have to look at what are some reasons that may cause that line being crossed. For example... being flirtatious! I think many times women can be flirty without realizing it or meaning to and on the other hand I believe that guys can think EVERYTHING is flirting. This can put the thought in their head about the possibility of this person being more than a friend.

Another would be loneliness, like Mel mentioned in her blog. We all want to be loved and sometimes being loved by friends and family just isn't enough. When the feelings of loneliness creep in it can make someone desperate to feel any bit of companionship. Most of the time we find it all in the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.

So here are just a couple ... I'd like to hear what others have experienced or think might contribute to the downfall of male/female friendships.

FemmeDeBloom said...

Just to add - I think loneliness and flirting are on the top ten reasons why things cross the line in male/female friendships. I can think of times with my male friends where I've just been showing "friendly" affection and it's been mistaken for flirting. Alcohol doesn't help either ;) ha ha. Mixed with the loneliness and/or flirting it can be a disaster.
But it's true Rach - Guys really do misunderstand our motives sometimes because sex is on their minds 90% of their waking minds, which Is something I still have yet to fathom!

Like you just said, with Love "Most of the time we find it all in the wrong places and in all the wrong ways." Which is one of the reasons I'm writing this blog in the first place!!!!!!

@ Jenn....thanks for reading :)

whydidn'tshefancyme said...

Just stumbled across your blog from Advice From a Single Girls.

When Harry Met Sally is my favourite film of all time. Don't want to go in to too much detail but I think Harry is right.

You can read my blog which will probably give you more insight in to why I think this.

http://whydidntshefancyme.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I do believe it's possible to just stay friends with a person of the opposite sex. However, I think it helps if you are not attracted to each other physically.

The first step in achieving this is deciding that you will not date or hook up with your "friend." Establish the reasons why you will be a friend with this person but will not date them. And remind yourself of the consequences of crossing the friendship boundary.

I agree with you Mel, that establishing boundaries is important because once you cross that boundary you run the risk of losing the strength in your friendship, mistrusting your friend or becoming emotionally attached. If the friendship is important to both parties then these boundaries should be respected. And these boundaries include flirting not actual physical boundaries of hooking up. Because flirting plants that idea of "What If".

I also agree that communication is important in maintaining a platonic relationship. Letting the other person know that you are not into them as more than friends and will not be into them will help avoid that "what if?" question. Because once you start considering a person as more than a friend you start looking at them as a "MAN" (or "WOMAN") rather than a friend. Also communicating to them about people you date helps remind both of you that you are just friends.

Lastly, don't get too attached to their company. Do not expect them to spend x amount of time with you. Do not expect to talk to them everyday or hang out with them every weekend. Because having a schedule is something people in a relationship do. This creates physical or emotional attachment. Do not be possessive about who they hang out with and how much they hang out with them as opposed to you (especially if the friend is someone of the opposite sex). They are not your partner so they don't owe you an x amount of time a month and you are not entitled to better treatment than a female they are interested in.

That's just what I think. I believe I've achieved a genuine friendship with a male, and these are the things that we do to maintain a healthy and close friendship.

FemmeDeBloom said...

I agree 100% with Mye....those are some major rules that should be added to the formula for maintaining a friendship with the opposite sex.....1. Deciding you won't hook up and making clear decisions about why you don't want a more than friends relationship with them 2. Talking to them about people you are dating....establishes a "friends" relationship (great idea).
3. Don't get attached to their company!!!!!!!! This is such a big point that I wish I had included in this blog entry!!!!
Manage your expectations - I think with the opposite sex the fine line between relationship and friendship gets blurred when you spent so much time together that it's almost like you are in a relationship.

"They are not your partner so they don't owe you an x amount of time a month and you are not entitled to better treatment than a female they are interested in."


Thank you for that - definitely added some more insight into the issue for me...

Unknown said...

Ready for the guys perspective?

As a guy who is dating and actively looking for someone to "fill the void" I think my opinion is fairly universal except for the fact that the nature of who I am is a bit different from your common d-bag...So take the following as a cautionary tale and a optimistic outlook on being friends with the opposite sex.

I do believe that men and women can be friends....I would say that I have and have always held more female friends than male. I do not intend on having intercourse or relationships with the vast majority of these very beautiful and intelligent women....The line does/has become blurry once in a while but for the most part I believe that the decision to be just friends or more is made within the first few minutes of meeting.

This is where it gets difficult. For the most part men and women are too fearful of rejection to make their feelings known to the other party known immediately upon meeting.

A man will typically size up his new acquaintance physically first and foremost. Once the first interaction takes place the decision on whether he is attracted to her either as a friend, relationship material, or just a hookup is made within the first few seconds of conversation and how she responds to our approach.

This is fairly similar to a female approach (from what I gather and please correct me if I am wrong) however, personality, charm and confidence are weighed upon much more heavily and looks are a bit lower on the scale.

Now once a male determines if he would ultimately like to sleep with a women (for lack of a better term) he may retreat to the friend zone as the safety net as a result of pussing out. This is where a man will try and "woo her" without being threatening. And a women does what??? I am not sure....I would love to know!

Once this friend-zone is established I think this is where it gets even tougher because the ultimate goal of being with the other can actually become a much more distant dream. And I think this is where the entire issue stems.

MY ADVISE TO YOU WONDERFUL MEN AND WOMEN:
-Man/Woman up if you are attracted to someone and make it be known. It seems like both parties are equally guilty of pussing out here...MYSELF INCLUDED!
-girls....be wary of your male friends and give them a little test if you are not sure of where the friendship stands. You may find that there is a mutual attraction there or that you are simply mistaken. Mel, you made a good point about talking about "other people" you are interested in. However, men will disclose that to women as a sign of being attractive and attainable...not so much as a deterrent. They in turn perceive your comments about dating others as an absolute turn down! So use that one carefully....
-flirting is fun...I am a fan of flirting with anyone and everyone. Young or old...I really don't care. There is no reason not to have some fun with your friends of the other sex. It doesn't have to lead to anything else. Its just an acknowledgment of the fact that we are all human and flirting feels good..again, this is just me. MANY GUYS see flirting as an open invitation to your pants though....So choose your flirting mate appropriately.
-Guys are just as self-conscious and insecure as you. Give us a break! A compliment goes a long way!
-You are correct in assuming that some guys, and well lets be honest, most of the guys that approach you in a club are looking for some fun...but remember why you are there. I am pretty sure its for the same reason in some fashion or another.

If we all work together friends can be had, relationships can manifest, and hook-ups can even happen on those needy nights!

Make your decision quick, your intentions clear.

Unknown said...

Ready for the "guys perspective"...?

As a guy who is dating and actively looking for someone to "fill the void" I think my opinion is fairly universal except for the fact that the nature of who I am is a bit different from your common d-bag...So take the following as a cautionary tale and a optimistic outlook on being friends with the opposite sex.

I do believe that men and women can be friends....I would say that I have and have always held more female friends than male. I do not intend on having intercourse or relationships with the vast majority of these very beautiful and intelligent women....The line does/has become blurry once in a while but for the most part I believe that the decision to be just friends or more is made within the first few minutes of meeting.

This is where it gets difficult. For the most part men and women are too fearful of rejection to make their feelings known to the other party known immediately upon meeting.

A man will typically size up his new acquaintance physically first and foremost. Once the first interaction takes place the decision on whether he is attracted to her either as a friend, relationship material, or just a hookup is made within the first few seconds of conversation and what SHE SAYS/ACTS! We play completely off the feedback you give us.

I am not sure what the female approach to this is and would love to know!!!

Now once a male determines if he would ultimately like to sleep with a women (for lack of a better term) he may retreat to the friend zone as the safety net as a result of pussing out. This is where a man will try and "woo her" without being threatening. And a women does what??? I am not sure....I would love to know!

Once this friend-zone is established I think this is where it gets even tougher because the ultimate goal of being with the other can actually become a much more distant dream. And I think this is where the entire issue stems.

MY ADVISE TO YOU WONDERFUL MEN AND WOMEN:
-Man/Woman up if you are attracted to someone and make it be known. It seems like both parties are equally guilty of pussing out here...MYSELF INCLUDED!
-girls....be wary of your male friends and give them a little test if you are not sure of where the friendship stands. You may find that there is a mutual attraction there or that you are simply mistaken. Mel, you made a good point about talking about "other people" you are interested in. However, men will disclose that to women as a sign of being attractive and attainable...not so much as a deterrent. They in turn perceive your comments about dating others as an absolute turn down! So use that one carefully....
-flirting is fun...I am a fan of flirting with anyone and everyone. Young or old...I really don't care. There is no reason not to have some fun with your friends of the other sex. It doesn't have to lead to anything else. Its just an acknowledgment of the fact that we are all human and flirting feels good..again, this is just me. MANY GUYS see flirting as an open invitation to your pants though....So choose your flirting mate appropriately.
-Guys are just as self-conscious and insecure as you. Give us a break! A compliment goes a long way!
-You are correct in assuming that some guys, and well lets be honest, most of the guys that approach you in a club are looking for some fun...but remember why you are there. I am pretty sure its for the same reason in some fashion or another.

If we all work together friends can be had, relationships can manifest, and hook-ups can even happen on those needy nights!

Make your decision quick, your intentions clear.

FemmeDeBloom said...

Matt, thank you so much for your valued perspective!
Now that I think about it - I can actually think of several guys who I am just "friends" with or have ended up being just friends with them because I "pussed" out from pursuing anymore. They gave me the friend vibe, so I stuck with it and decided to just stay friends and not pursue more...And I didn't realize that guys may do the same...So then you're friends but there is still that desire in there. BUT...what if you do that with someone because you would rather stay friends than risk losing them as a friend by telling them you're interested in dating them? I can think of one guy in particular I know that I would consider dating but I've never really made the decision to go beyond it because I don't want to ruin the friendship...I guess in a way I just don't find it that important to cross that line.

So yeah, I think friends can definitely be had...but it takes time to get to a real friend point I think....Sigh. Such a difficult situation sometimes.

Flirting is fun, but you're right I think girls need to be careful of those men who think it is an open invitation into the pants! ha! you're awesome Matt. Honest and useful advice from a guy who is definitely not your average run-of-the-mill D-Bag ;)

contactdaniel24 said...

Men and women being friends…… waste of time. I love to refer to humanity’s more primitive stages to explain why I believe “being friends” is not a possibility. Freud, Maslow, and even Darwin developed theories of survival and replication for all species including humans. We all like to think we are different from animals, and for the most part we are, but in many cases we are like these creatures that roam the earth and we constantly laugh at for being so dumb. We like to believe we are above these creatures, and we are in control of all aspects of our lives… so we like to think. According to Freud we are on this Earth for two reasons survival (job, money, shelter) and replication (child, love, relationships), and we feel good for anything that increases our statistical chances at being efficient in these areas. Maslow placed “sex” in the same categories as food, water, and other basic needs for human life. Darwin was famous for his evolution theory, but he also developed another theory called “selection” which we never hear about. He witnessed and observed females and male reproduction, and wrote how survival and replication being an important part of selection. Reproduction is anywhere from 33 to 50 percent of why people are on this earth. Just keep this thought in mind.

So what am I getting at you ask? Taking survival and replication into mind, people what to mate with pretty people. This is not an evil influence, media, or a satanic mindset; it is called human nature. Why do we want to mate with beautiful people? Because we can inherit their genes and our offspring’s chances increase dramatically to continue on, and be successful at mating themselves.

Women do this all the time, they will be with a “nice guy” who can provide the survival aspect, but are willing (not do…. I said willing) to cheat with a muscle head douchbag for the “replication” aspect. Right now, 1 out of every 10 men is father a child that is not theirs, and they are not aware of it, and 2 out of 10 men are fathering a child that they are aware is not theirs. An awful guy who shows excellent replication value will sometimes have 4 kids from 4 different women; be an awful guy, but women will still want to have children with him. Some girls have babies with alpha males, and then choose the nice guy in the end for the child survival. Which to me is a beautiful survival and replication strategy, but girls call it, “I’m tired of dating mean jerks, I’m going to start dating nice guys.”

Men are not friends with girls, because in the end if you offered us sex, we would take it in a heartbeat. A lot of girls say, “No, these guys are not like that.” I tell them to go to their “guy friend” and offer sex, if he is your friend he will say no. The girls always say no, and that they can’t ask them that. Why not? Is it because deep down inside your evolutionary mindset has taught you that men want sex, even if they don’t want babies, the act of sex still serves their meaning in life? You won’t offer sex because you know they will more than likely say yes, and you don’t want to risk losing another “guy friend”?
Lesson to be learned:
We are all playing the friends game with someone, or they are playing it with us. Flying under the radar waiting for the opportunity to cross that line…… alcohol helps. Are guys and girls bad? Is sex the only reason why people are friends? Not at all, we are humans, Homo sapiens, mammals, we are like animals. We are all seeking survival and replication. We are all aware that evolution is not kind to those in the lower gene pool, and evolution will eliminate your genes if you don’t act fast. So you think guy and girls are really friends? In the deep part our both our cores….. We know we are not.

Anonymous said...

It’s funny to find out just how many different sites the internet has on this subject. :)

Anonymous said...

Wow all I can say is that you are a great writer! Where can I contact you if I want to hire you?

FemmeDeBloom said...

Hire me I just got laid off! Oh the joys of unemployment!

melanie.afshar@gmail.com

;)