On Parenting, From Someone With No Kids

DISCLAIMER: Just a couple notes on parenting...from a non-expert. So take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Your kids aren't the only ones in the entire universe. 

I know they are special - but unfortunately all children are special. I'm sorry to break it to you! I love that your kids are cute and I want to admire that cuteness, but it completely ruins it when the kid knows they can get away with anything just because they are cute! If your kid is rude, their cuteness is only going to go so far. In addition, don't expect every person to give your kid special treatment for things just because it's your kid. They aren't going to get first in line for everything, or be the most popular kid in school.  Believe it or not, your child's teacher is also in charge of 30+ other students (hail to the teachers of the U.S. school systems!). Just have a little consideration, it's all I ask. 

For those who get annoyed at kids who are disruptive in a store or restaurant:

I would like to wipe that smug grin off your face as you look over at the parent and judge them for what their child is doing. How do you know whether they are an adequate parent or not, and who are you to judge? Do you want to come over here and try to explain why this child cannot play battleship with the salt and pepper shakers? Would you like to try to calm the child down yourself, while trying to ignore the burning stares of bystanders around you?  All I have to say is....SHAME ON YOU. Because guess what? You were one of those children at one point in your life. I will bet you 18,000 dollars that you once had a tantrum when you were four because your mother made you eat the last bite of creamed corn at Sizzler and you didn't want to.  You KNOW that you screamed and plopped yourself down on the floor of Toys R' Us because your mom would only let you have one Polly Pocket instead of two. So next time you give someone an annoyed look because their child is being loud, think again. I swear, next time I see someone giving a look to a child like that I will call them out and tell them to get off their "I'm an adult and I pretend children don't exist" high horse. 

Is it really necessary for your kid to participate in 12 different extracurricular activities?

Soccer on Wednesdays. Karate on Monday afternoon. Saturday baseball games. Dance class on Thursdays. Oh yes, and don't forget swimming lessons, chess lessons, horseback riding lessons, English tutoring, *insert foreign language* class, Tennis lessons, Girl Scouts, gymnastics, and cooking class. Just because all of these wonderful options are available for kids doesn't mean they need to do ALL of them simultaneously. How is a kid supposed to be able to retain anything they learn in school if they get home and are immediately shipped to another activity? Kids need rest, sleep and not to be bogged down with a million different things at once. That's just my opinion, but I'm sure there is some empirical research out there that supports me :)

If your kid is having behavioral problems, deal with them instead of figuring out who to blame. 

You have the power to create the boundaries and support your child's needs to improve their behavioral problems. It's not their teachers, siblings, nannies or friends fault - it's yours. Even if their behavioral problems are due to a biological disorder it is your responsibility to get them the help they need! Putting them on an organic diet with no sugar isn't going to make a difference, despite how much hope you put into that alternative. Telling them they can't watch anymore TV also isn't going to make a change. I don't even recommend just shipping the kid off to therapist and expecting the therapist to figure it out. Child therapy requires 100% parent contribution and involvement. Take responsibility for your spawn people!

Don't let technology raise your children.

It's so tempting isn't it? When they are throwing food at each other across the table and screaming at the top of their lungs, the idea of just plopping them in front of an episode of, "Dora the Explorer" sounds so enticing. Okay, maybe Dora was a bad choice. Today we have so many forms of technology to distract children: game consoles, IPADs, the Itouch, the internet. It's so easy to let these forms of technology do the parenting instead of getting involved. I admire parents who play imaginative games with their children, paint with them and read with them. It's such a rewarding experience to teach a child something in an active way. The library is the most amazing place in the world for kids! Don't underestimate the power of a wonderful book in a child's life. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for teaching a kid how to play "angry birds" --- All I ask is that you balance that out with a ritual evening bedtime story reading session and I will be quite satisfied!

Please don't let me see another one of your kids in a rated "R" movie again.

I recently had an experience where I watched two different movies in a weekend, both rated "R", and had the displeasure of seeing preschool aged children in the theater with their parents. REALLY? I'm pretty sure that this experience is what sparked this blog post. This is just NOT okay no matter how you want to explain it to me. There is absolutely nothing right about taking a child to a movie where the first scene has nudity and profanity in it. I don't care if they are 4 years old, they hear EVERYTHING and they understand EVERYTHING! In fact, according to Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, children between the ages of 3-5 are exploring the world and copying everything they see in order to re-enact that and take "initiative" of their own. Is this what you want your child to copy? I'm sorry if you couldn't find a babysitter or can't afford one, but you still had to pay for the child to get in the theater and for the tub of buttery popcorn sitting in their lap. In my opinion, a person who subjects their child to something beyond their maturity level is a selfish human being who shouldn't have been allowed to have children in the first place. 

Maybe I'll write another follow up blog one day after I have children....until then, thanks for reading.

I'd love to hear any additions, comments or concerns about my anger regarding the welfare of the future generation.

:)

On Parenting, From Someone With No Kids

The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships

As you may have already noticed, I enjoy listing things. It is most likely because I use listing as the main organizational tool for my life (you should try it sometime, it works!). So to follow through with my recent tradition, here's yet another "list" blog post. In my preparation for a doctoral program, in which I would like to have an emphasis in Family and Couples therapy, I have been doing some reading in the "Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy." It's a 700+ page book full of details on all of the therapeutic intervention for couples. My old roommate and fellow bibliophile commented on my Goodreads.com update for this book saying, "Oooo page turner!" 

Okay I'll have to admit -- this isn't a book you read as you relax and sip a margarita by the pool. However, fear not! Instead of encouraging you to pick up this book and read it yourself, I'm going to summarize a portion that I thought to be quite informative and telling regarding why relationships end.

#1 Poor Communication 

Studies have been done on marriages over a long period of time (i.e. longitudinal studies) to discover what create relationship stability. One of the top two risk factors was communication (Karney and Bradbury, 1995). In another relationship study, it was found that relationship issues can be predicted many years before partners "settle down" or get married based on how they communicate.
This almost seems obvious right? If you can't communicate freely and effectively with the person you're with, how do you expect to grow together or understand one another? Unfortunately, these issues don't always become prominent until a couple has moved forward into a higher level of commitment.

#2. One of the people in the relationship is Woody Allen
He's famous for being an acclaimed director, actor and a bit of a perv. But most of all he's quite possibly one of the most neurotic people to inherit the earth. Neuroticism, or a continual display negativity is the second highest risk factor for a relationship. Lesson of the this rule is: don't date a "Debbie Downer"  - ha - no just kidding.... but it has been shown that a negative partner can ruin a relationship. It's been said that a negative person is rarely influenced towards positivity. It usually results in the opposite: the positive person being brought down to the negative level. What can I say? Misery loves company. Unhappy people like other people to be unhappy too....and if you can't stand the negative heat, get out of the kitchen. More idioms, please?

#3. Environmental factors
Two healthy well-adapted individuals can face a devastating event such as the loss of a child or a financial crisis and unfortunately, it can lead to the end of their relationship. Everyone copes with extreme loss and heartache in different ways, however not everyone in the world experiences this type of event. It's not something you can specifically prepare for. A couples response to a stressful event may trigger different issues and coping styles and it may change the way a couple interacts. For married couples, the phrase "for better or for worse" can sail out the window when something tragic happens.This isn't the case with all couples, but it is a definite risk factor.   

#4. Incompatibility
It is possible to have two completely healthy individuals that just aren't right for each other. One of you may worship the Los Angeles Lakers and the other may have undying love for the Boston Celtics. Either you work it out or you let it go. On a more serious note, it goes beyond differences like - "I'm a Republican and you're a Democrat." Everyone differs in their need for closeness and intimacy. There's something called a "demand-withdraw" pattern that is studied in couples therapy. It's a cycle where the partner who needs closeness initiates intimacy and the the partner who needs it less withdraws. You can imagine how that could build up frustration, anger, and rejection on both parts. This also relates to a person's attachment style and how they communicate their needs. In the end, unmet needs always lead to the destruction of a relationship.


#5. "Jumping In" for the wrong reasons

Making a lasting commitment to someone for any of the following reasons is a bad, bad idea:

1. You don't want to be alone.

2. You don't think anyone better will come along.

3. You've been with the person for long enough so you might as well "tie the knot" or move in together...whatever the step may be.

4. You want to escape your current living situation - i.e. with parents, roommates etc.

5. Your religion instructs you not to have sex until you're married, so you tie the knot just so you can "get it on!"

6. Your biological clock is ticking.

7. You might as well get more serious since divorce or breaking up is always an open option (DON'T BECOME A STATISTIC IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO!)

8.  For tax purposes (although this is a debated issue)

9. Because you have a child together (there's no rush!)

10. You want a wedding. (ladies.....) 

That's it for today. Thanks for reading! 

The Top 5 Risk Factors That End Relationships