Is it Girl Code, or are we just haters?

"Girl code." Someone on urban dictionary defined it as, “The code of guidelines that girls must obey in order to not get kicked out of the community.”I never realized that my membership to the female community was at risk (!) – don’t know if I’d go that far.

Anyway, we’ve all heard of it – the “code” that heterosexual females have regarding relationships, dating and friendships.

Here are some off the top of my head:

"Don't fool around with a friends’ ex."

"Always tells each other when there is something in your teeth, your dress is sticking in your underwear, you have toilet paper stuck on the bottom of your shoe, or your bump-it is showing." :)

“No girl shall wear the same outfit or perfume as a friend if they will knowingly be in the same place.”

Yeah, those are easy, most of the time - but what about the unspoken rules regarding exes?
 

Situation: you have a best friend who broke up with their boyfriend. "Girl code" dictates that you stop talking to their ex and you make sure to hate and mutually ridicule any girl that her ex-boyfriend dates.

Sound familiar? We've all done it. Maybe it's the whole camaraderie between women thing - we like to gossip and discuss other females all in the name of “protecting” our girlfriends. Is it really protecting? Or do we just like to channel the "mean girl" spirit and hate on each other?

Why do women expect other women to hate each other's exes and every girl their ex dates? In some cases, this doesn't cause a conflict. But when mutual friends or small group of close-knit friends are involved, what is the protocol?

It's not a black-and-white issue. And now that I think about it this  girl code should be reconsidered and applied on a situational basis. Women, I know your first impulse is to despise any girl your ex decides to date – but does it really make a difference? Is hating really the answer? And is it really necessary to make all of your friends also hate her and ostracize her? Of course, if you never have to see your ex again, this doesn’t apply. I just think that we all need to at least let people give us a chance to hate them first. Ha ha.

BUT in many situations we have to pick sides and it’s either your girl friend or their ex (if you were friends with both of them) and in that case you have to decide what really matters to you. But even in that situation gossiping, spreading rumors and talking negatively about that person is not going to make a difference. That’s what I mean by getting rid of the “mean girl.” I know we love to hate, but why not take an approach that promotes neutrality and less drama?

So before you decide to talk a little “smack” on the new girl, the friends ex, or even your own ex, think about it: is this an expression of your true feelings or are you just being a hater?

Until next time.

Is it Girl Code, or are we just haters?

No Fakes Allowed!

We are all aware that the divorce rate keeps rising and that many people have relationship issues. I’ve been through it and I’ve seen others go through it and it’s made me wonder why? Why are there so many failed relationships out there? I can’t speak for the whole world, but my thoughts on this bleak subject led me to think about authenticity.

Social networking and online dating is on the rise. With websites like Facebook, Match.com, Twitter etc. we have the opportunity to display whatever image of ourselves that we want. We showcase the aspects of ourselves that we want to showcase. In addition, we spend a lot of time socializing without being face to face, and texting instead of talking on the phone which creates an environment of even less authenticity. Who hasn’t talked to someone online and noticed a complete opposite experience when you are face to face? It’s easier to put yourself out there and assert yourself online. I can’t imagine trying to truly date by meeting someone online because of this factor. However, I haven’t completely ruled out the option =].

I understand why online social interaction is so popular – because it’s an easier way to socialize. It takes less work, it can be done literally anywhere you have a computer or phone, and it’s easy to stay within your comfort zone. But is it healthy? Has anyone stopped to really consider that?

 Authenticity or to put it simply, “being oneself.” Knowing who you are and being that person, in your behavior, words, relationships and innermost thoughts. This is such an important overlooked aspect of people when it comes to relationships. I think so many individuals aren’t authentic with one another in a relationship and after years of being together their real selves emerge and opinions start to clash. Then the fighting stars and things fall apart.  

What are the benefits of being authentic? You know who you are and you don’t pretend to be someone you are not therefore people are getting the real you. It prevents finding the wrong person. Of course, the process of being authentic is different for everyone. Some people find it easier to “be themselves” than others. It’s very possible though that the people who have had trouble finding “Mr. or Mrs. Right” have been either dating people who aren’t authentic or have personal trouble with authenticity.

Too bad there isn’t an “authenticity radar” that we could create or develop in our brains.

A couple thoughts on how to be authentic:

1)      Know yourself. Know your faults, your strengths, your likes and dislikes. And don’t apologize for these things or let anyone make you feel inferior for being them.

2)      Be real in your responses to people and your behaviors, and conversations. I’m not saying to tell everyone everything you think about them. But if you don’t like someone, don’t beat around the bush and pretend you are BFF’s. And if you like someone, don’t be afraid to show it!

3)      Be honest with yourself and others about your feelings on things. If something bothers you don’t be afraid to voice it. Being honest with yourself requires mindfulness and examining what you want and what makes you happy. And when you know what makes you happy you will look for it, find it, and not compromise for anything less!

I need to stop before I start sounding even more like a self-help book.

All I know is, If everyone was just a little more authentic and honest with each other in relationships, the world would be a better place.

As good ol' Bill Shakespeare sayeth, “To thine own self be true.”

No Fakes Allowed!