Vulnerability and Romantic Relationships

Is it possible to love someone or have feelings for them without making yourself vulnerable? I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is no.

As I think about this, how can a person get to know someone or have them know you if you don’t risk something? If you walk around with a wall around your heart and let no one in your life the only risk you take is being alone.

Vulnerability is seen as a bad thing in our society, especially for men. To be vulnerable is to allow for transparency and possibly show your weaknesses to someone. Doing so risks the chance of getting hurt and giving up your independence. Sometimes being vulnerable is to allow someone into the places of your life and heart that you never have before. For some people, being vulnerable just means admitting your feelings to someone and risking that they may not return them.

In my opinion, vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you are strong enough to put your heart on the line for another person, or for the sake of love.

Madeline L’Engle said, “When we were children we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

I think a main aspect of vulnerability that needs to be understood is this: emotional vulnerability should not be mistaken for emotional insecurity. Emotional vulnerability is not being over emotional or over indulgent in feelings or expression of emotion. It is not about jealousy, clinginess or over-obsession. All of these things occur when vulnerability is felt by someone who is insecure.

We all fear vulnerability to an extent because it means we are emotionally unprotected. In my opinion a person is ready to be vulnerable in a healthy way when they are secure enough to do so without unhealthy behavior.

If you are afraid of being vulnerable, think about the reasons why. What are you afraid of? Is it better to have tried and failed than to constantly wonder what would have happened if you didn’t put yourself out there?

No one ever regrets doing something as much as they regret NOT doing something. Because it’s definitely better to know, than wonder.

Vulnerability and Romantic Relationships

PMS....Yes, we're talking about it.

Yes ladies and gentlemen today’s blog is about one of the most dreaded acronyms to plague the female existence: PMS, also known as Pre-menstrual Syndrome. Men joke about it, women complain about it. No one quite understands it - not even women…and we EXPERIENCE IT, which makes it even more mysterious and a royal pain in the ass. The reason I am dedicating a blog post to this not-awkward-at-all subject is that it often causes relationship stress and unnecessary drama. I think awareness is the first step to fixing a problem so here we go!

So let me start with the facts:

PMS stands for Pre-menstrual syndrome - please be absolutely clear on this. It does not occur during the time when a woman is actually on period. PMS shows up about one or two weeks before a woman’s period actually starts and causes the appearance of many delightful symptoms. Symptoms are worse for some women than others whereas some don’t have any signs or symptoms at all. According to a study I read, 85% of women have reported experiencing PMS symptoms, so ladies just remember you are NOT ALONE.

What happens during this time, you ask? It’s a combination of physical and emotional symptoms. According to my research, over 200 different symptoms have been associated with PMS (OMG!!!!!!!!) but the three most occurring mental symptoms are tension, unhappiness and irritability. Others also include enhanced stress and anxiety, headaches, moodiness, tiredness, libido abnormalities, and increased emotional sensitivity. Physically women also experience feeling bloated, cramping, back pains and swelling in the breasts. That last one men shouldn’t complain about, ha ha.

Just reading those symptoms over again make me want to scream. If this occurs at minimum about one week per month then that means women are spending 12 weeks out of the year “PMSing.”

Biologically, PMS is also a mystery. The exact causes haven’t been pinpointed but researchers have thought it to have a direct correlation with the activity of serotonin in the brain, which creates peace and happiness. I also read that women who are “PMSing” have a low level of circulating serum levels of beta-endorphin, which is an opiod neurotransmitter. This neurotransmitter has a similarity to the same receptor that is accessed by drugs like heroin. Researchers have also documented similarities between PMS symptoms and opiate withdrawal symptoms. Ok seriously? The more I read about PMS the more I want to become a man.

In all honesty, it does give me a little comfort in knowing I’m not alone and that there are honest-to-goodness biological aspects driving my occasional irrational behavior during that pre-"time of the month.”

Yes, women suffer from this plague called PMS, but what we don’t realize is that everyone else around us also suffers, including the men in our lives. Let’s face it, women want to think we can totally deal with it, be strong and not let it get to us but when the time comes it just doesn’t happen. So my questions are: First, what do women want from men when they are “PMSing?” And second, men what do you think you can do during that time to alleviate and not agitate the situation?

I have a couple ideas about what women want from men:

1) A general understanding that maybe we are not completely rational during that time.

2) If we say something irrational, don't take it seriously.

3) If we ask if we look bloated, the answer is always NO.

4) Don't leave the toilet seat up.

5) Give us a hug.

6) Be aware that we may be creating unnecessary drama in our head, so If we look lost in thought, it's just because our hormones are tricking us into thinking something is wrong when it's not.

7) Do not say to us, "OH YOU'RE PMSING." or "OH, ARE YOU ON  YOUR PERIOD AGAIN?" or we will punch you in the face.

In response to your help men I personally will encourage women all over the world to do the following:

1) Increase our awareness when we are PMSing and try to monitor any crazy thoughts and feelings that may appear.

2) Spend extra time relaxing, exercising or whatever else relieves stress.

3) Try our best not to create unnecessary drama.

4) If we feel like crying, we will attempt to indulge our tears in a sad movie or ASPCA commercial instead of crying about the fact that you didn't text back right away, or you hesitated when we asked if we looked fat in that dress.

5) Eat LOTS OF CHOCOLATE.

Okay the last one was a joke. Kind of…Now I’d like to have the women speak up! What frustrates you about PMS? What do you feel like men could do to help? What do YOU do to deal?

And men…how do you feel about the whole thing?  

Hope to hear some opinions!<3

PMS....Yes, we're talking about it.

The Past And Relationships

Anyone who has ever lived has a past – baggage that stays with us in the present and determines a great deal of our personality. Although we try our best to learn from past negative experiences, they always influence our future by making us hesitant to take certain risks (whether we like it or not.) No one wants to repeat past mistakes, or go through heartache they have gone through before, but sometimes it happens because we don’t take the time to really understand our past actions.

There are many aspects of the “past” to consider. When two people start a relationship, it is a given that you both have a past and that there are people that have existed before YOU. Sometimes curiosity gets the best of you and you find yourself having long drawn out conversations about past lovers and exes. If you think about it, what really is the point of that? Is it going to make a positive difference in your life if you know more about what his/her ex looked like or how great or horrible their relationship was? No. The person is here NOW with YOU, and that’s all that matters. Unless of course they are verbal that their ex still matters to them – that’s a whole other issue. It really isn’t a good idea to get involved with someone if they are still holding on to a past relationship.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to forget the past, it is a part of our lives. So why do we even try to pretend it doesn’t exist? The negative things that occurred in the past occurred for a reason. We can take those occurrences, understand them, accept them and move forward. Bitterness and frustration over the past doesn’t go away overnight, of course. Sometimes it takes time for it to fade and to see a situation objectively, beyond just the pain you felt at the time.

My next thought is about revisiting the past. Sometimes people from your past leave your life for awhile and you find them back in your life again. Some people would rush to say that this is a complete mistake, and some would disagree. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it - I guess it depends on the situation. But if it’s something you feel is right, go with it. In situations like this it is important to take it slow – renewing a relationship takes time, patience and understanding. Making it easy to just “start back at square one” with someone just invites the past to resurface and continue the chaotic relationship you once had. Second chances are a beautiful thing….just don’t take them for granted.

One final thought:

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

The Past And Relationships