Due to a recent training I’ve been attending to become a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate with Laura's House in South Orange County, my mind has been occupied with the reasons why women (and men) return to relationships with those that hurt them. I've been linking a lot of what I've learned so far with the reasons why so many people continue to love those who hurt them and treat them poorly. With women, it seems like many of us have re-entered “toxic” relationships, even though we rationally KNOW they are not good for us and that the chances of getting hurt again are very high.
Why do humans do things that have negative consequences? I was reading in one of my textbooks about women and the experience of pain during childbirth. Although they can recall that the experience caused them extreme discomfort, they couldn't recall the sensation of how bad the pain was. Basically they forget the pain and still decide to have another child because they are able to forget the immense pain it caused them the first time around. I've never pushed one out so I can't really attest to this but maybe one of you mommas out there can help me with that ;).
Considering this question has made me realize how absolutely ENORMOUS the human desire is to have affection, love and companionship, or in some cases...sex. We are human beings who were made to relate to other people, obtain love, and give love. So when we find someone that we truly connect with it is hard to let go of that person and just move on to someone else. For some people, at least.
In order to return back into a “toxic” relationship there are certain things we do emotionally and mentally to make it work. I think that when we get hurt, we have defenses that go up to protect ourselves. We don't want to feel bad about ourselves or feel rejected, so we apply whatever mechanisms we need to in order to forget that pain. Unfortunately this leads to forgetting how badly someone hurt us or how unhappy we were in a relationship so we return back to that person and we want their love again in our lives.
In addition to the whole memory loss aspect, many people (especially women, unfortunately) think that they can change their partner. They think that if they love that person enough or if they wait long enough that this person will change. So in addition to memory loss, they’re also lying to themselves.
The lyrics of the song “Love Affair” by Copeland (Link) capture the feelings and questions we ask when we are trapped in this sort of relationship. Here are the full lyrics if you want to check them out: Lyrics!!!
In a flash her heart is slain, you have to ask in all this pain.
Was your heart too soft? Was your love in vain?
Was your kiss too weak? Were your eyes too tight?
And much too young to be in love?
We ask these questions because we wonder, “Could I have done something different to make this relationship work, to make this person treat me the way I deserve to be treated?” So we keep going back, in hopes that things will change. This song is one of my all time faves by the way!!! I’m a big song lyric person ha ha. And I have to admit I’ve had this song on repeat several times in my life.
My question for people dealing with this right now is, what do you believe about yourself? Do you really think this kind of relationship is all you're worth?
Women, I know I’m generalizing but based on some of my conversations with male friends (And I’m not saying all my male friends are a**holes, you know I love you!), half the time men go back to a relationship is usually not just because they miss, it's because you are making yourself accessible. They know that if they say the right things they will get you back...and get you in the sack. Hey, that rhymes. I should make a rap out of that. Same goes with men, the type of women who manipulate you are going to be able to do so because you let them!
So I urge you - look for patterns. Because there are always patterns. You are together, he/she treats you with love and gives you attention, and finally an argument occurs for whatever reason and you get angry at her/him. You break things off and ignore him/her for a couple days and feel great about it. Then finally she/he calls you or texts you or writes on your damn face book wall (!) and you break down and respond because you don't want to be rude and act like he/she even matters to you. So you talk and he/she jokes with you and you talk about how things are going in your life (Because you know its been THREE WHOLE DAYS of not talking so much must have happened during that time) and all of a sudden you find yourself fond of him/her again and feeling a weird affectionate feeling. I wish I could tell you it stops right there, but it doesn't. Next thing you know you're at the movies with him/her, having a nice dinner...one thing leads to another and............womp womp womp. Back to square one.
I think the # 1 problem is that we want instant gratification and we aren't giving ourselves enough time to fully get over someone. It takes a sufficient amount of time and distance away from a person to see a situation objectively and make smarter decisions.
Don't get me wrong, it hurts and there can be moments where the loss of that person in your life is almost unbearable but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once you are out you will have the ability to look back and realize how trapped you were in that relationship cycle.
I remember a time in my life where I thought that I would rather be unhappy and "with someone" than be alone....this is another lie we tell ourselves because we are so scared of being alone and we convince ourselves that this is the ONLY guy (or girl) we could possibly be with.
Finally, let me just say that no one is immune to this: men and women in all types of relationships. We are creatures of habit, who tend to repeat mistakes and do crazy things for the sake of finding love. Sometimes we learn, sometimes we don't…
To those who have made the mistake of returning to an ex over and over again, was it worth it now that you've broken out of the "cycle"? And what are the reasons you think you stayed in the cycle in the first place?
