The Top 10 Relationships You’re Glad You’ve Never Been In

How hot is his Tattoo?

#10 Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

This couple was one of the first to start the trend where C/D-list celebrities broadcast their marriage that no one cares about in order to get people to care about them and make $$$.  This trend = major entertainment for the American public. Without Jessica, how else would we have learned that “Chicken of the Sea” was actually Tuna fish? She literally saved my existence. Unfortunately after three long, devoted years of marriage the couple divorced and we got another D-list hit from Nick Lachey entitled, “I Can’t Hate You Anymore.” Yes, I have it on my Ipod. 

Sigh <3

#9 Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf

It started out as hatred and ended up in sex-love-hate-despise-love-hate and then “I can’t marry you because I made a pact with God  so he could save your life.” Really, Gossip Girl? Okay don’t get me wrong, I DV-R this show every week and haven’t missed an episode but I just don’t get it, WHEN WILL THEY FINALLY GET TOGETHER? No human being on this earth has ever and will ever go through the amount of turmoil and drama that this couple has. Lucky for them, they are both extremely good looking, so we put up with it. Maybe next week Deroda will try to get Blair and Chuck together but Dan will stop them and propose to Blair, then Serena will get jealous and make out with Chuck. Then in a grand finale cliff hanger, Nate suddenly decides he’s in love with Serena agai. Sounds like a typical gossip girl episode to me!





#8 Katie Holmes and Tom

Cruise
I don’t wanna wait, for my liiiife to be over. Every time I would hear that Paula Cole theme song start up on Dawson’s Creek my heart soared because I knew it was another week of obsessing over how cute Katie Holmes was – emphasis on was. She was cute until she married Tom Cruise and now I don’t even know WHO SHE IS ANYMORE!!!! What happened to Joey, the innocent, crooked mouthed, overly eloquent teen who just wanted to paint? She married Mr. Scientology and had what I’m pretty sure is an Asian Baby named Suri. Why, Katie, Why? Need more on crazy Tom Cruise? Click Here. 



#7 Michael Lohan and Kate Major

Did anyone watch the last season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? If you have, you’ll know why this couple is on this list. What do you get when you put two crazy people in a relationship? Shenanigans. What do you get when you put two crazy people addicted to drugs/alcohol in a relationship? Pure INSANITY. I have never seen a man so torn up over a woman in my life. Kate told Michael at one point, “I’m not even attracted to you! You’re old, you’re ugly and you’re bald!” Oh yeah, and that’s saying a lot because her former boyfriend was Jon Gosselin (see #5). If you ask me, they both need to lay off the drugs....and based on that picture stay out of the sun for a very long time.

So awkward.

#6 Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner…and John Mayer…and Jake Gyllenhaal

For such a wholesome little country girl, this chick has been around. I believe it started with Joe Jonas but I’m not sure where the lineup goes from there. I DO know, however, that she dated Taylor Lautner of Twilight fame and they absolutely murdered the portrayal of their relationship in the movie Valentine’s Day. I also have no idea how she didn’t get her emotions murdered by John Mayer because that guy is a douche, or maybe as her song suggests he’s just, “Mean?” Finally, I pretty much wanted to murder her with my bare hands when she took take Jake Gyllenhaal from me. 



Keepin' It Classy

 #6 Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Following in the footsteps of Jessica and Nick, K-Fed and Spears tried to do the reality show idea and it failed miserably. Perhaps K-Fed’s hot body and excellent rapping skills weren’t able to compete with Nick Lachey’s boy band dancing skills. Either way, this marriage failed and they got two whole kids out of it! The rumor is that Britney paid for her own wedding ring, isn’t that just so darn sweet? To top it off, instead of going to Brazil on their honeymoon as planned, they spent it at “Baton Rouge’s Mall of Louisiana.” There’s nothing trailer trash about that at all. Lucky for us, Britney is still going strong with nasally #1 hits and K-Fed is nowhere to be seen after they cancelled his tour because no one bought tickets. Sorry, buddy.  

 #5 Jon and Kate Gosselin

One day TLC said to Kate Gosselin, “You’re pregnant with 6 kids because you injected so many hormones in you that you look like a hot air balloon with an 8 year old boy’s hair cut? Let’s give you a TV show!” No one, and I mean NO ONE wanted to see that video clip of how big her belly was when she was carrying the sextuplets. I literally used to fast forward that portion of the intro every time because it made me gag. On that note, we also really didn’t want to witness Kate constantly ordering Jon around like he was one of the eight. That relationship was a train wreck from the beginning. It really should have been called, “Kate plus 8 and a man boy with no balls.”

#4 Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries                  

Poor guy…. No, really….Poor guy. I think we need to take a moment of silence to mourn the butchering of Kris Humphries by the Kardashian clan. He may have the brain capacity similar to an 7 year old child but he didn’t deserve to be ridiculed the way he was. Everyone has their theories on whether this relationship was a hoax or not. I personally don’t care. Let this be a lesson to any athlete who gets lured in by the eyelash extensions and butt implants also known as the Kardashian sisters. R.I.P. Kris Humphries.  P.S. I'm still watching all the shows, Khloe and Lamar are cute :)

#3 Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Sammy Giancola

Also known as “Sammie” and “RAHHNNN” by many of those who have seen them fight. Let’s face it, what would the first three seasons of The Jersey Shore be without them? They are best worst fighting couple ever. My favorite fight is when they went to Karma and they got drunk and then Sammi got mad and they fought all night. My other favorite is when they went to Karma and they got drunk and Sammi got mad….Oh – wait. What can I say? Love is battlefield. I also wanna say, “RAHN, STAP…I’m DUHN…STAP.”

#2 Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

You almost forgot about them didn’t you? This fabulous little couple made themselves famous in a big way by being completely idiotic, just a little bit more than your usual stupid celebrity. I’ll never forget the cinematic treasure of a music video Spencer made of Heidi’s song, “Higher.” (Watch Here) It was like a nightmarish auto-tuned porno with no sex. Another favorite was their very brief appearance on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” in which Spencer decided he was a born again Christian. That was the only season of that show I watched. I love you Speidi. I hope all the money you spent on Spencer’s crystals and Heidi’s Barbie breasts (and butt) was worth it.

#1 Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson

Apparently once you make a microscopic appearance on a hit show like “Lost” you lose all of your decency and the ability to attract women your own age. This couple is absolutely the worst couple in America. I don’t even need to write anything under this headline for you to understand how disgusting they are – all you need to do is Google it. She’s 16 and he’s 51 and she spends her days tweeting about how her appetite becomes, “anxiously aroused as I vivaciously cook a very sexy veggie supper while wearing Victoria’s Secret.” She was a naturally pretty teenager and after extensive plastic surgery and spending 24 hours straight in a tanning salon, she is unrecognizable. I’m pretty sure people are going to make Halloween masks of her face this year. I swear to God if I have to look at another picture of her with pouty fish lips and seizure eyes I am going to shoot someone.

So tell me, Who's your favorite? And feel free to add to the list! Thanks Everyone!

The Top 10 Relationships You’re Glad You’ve Never Been In