Due to a recent training I’ve been attending to become a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate with Laura's House in South Orange County, my mind has been occupied with the reasons why women (and men) return to relationships with those that hurt them. I've been linking a lot of what I've learned so far with the reasons why so many people continue to love those who hurt them and treat them poorly. With women, it seems like many of us have re-entered “toxic” relationships, even though we rationally KNOW they are not good for us and that the chances of getting hurt again are very high.
Why do humans do things that have negative consequences? I was reading in one of my textbooks about women and the experience of pain during childbirth. Although they can recall that the experience caused them extreme discomfort, they couldn't recall the sensation of how bad the pain was. Basically they forget the pain and still decide to have another child because they are able to forget the immense pain it caused them the first time around. I've never pushed one out so I can't really attest to this but maybe one of you mommas out there can help me with that ;).
Considering this question has made me realize how absolutely ENORMOUS the human desire is to have affection, love and companionship, or in some cases...sex. We are human beings who were made to relate to other people, obtain love, and give love. So when we find someone that we truly connect with it is hard to let go of that person and just move on to someone else. For some people, at least.
In order to return back into a “toxic” relationship there are certain things we do emotionally and mentally to make it work. I think that when we get hurt, we have defenses that go up to protect ourselves. We don't want to feel bad about ourselves or feel rejected, so we apply whatever mechanisms we need to in order to forget that pain. Unfortunately this leads to forgetting how badly someone hurt us or how unhappy we were in a relationship so we return back to that person and we want their love again in our lives.
In addition to the whole memory loss aspect, many people (especially women, unfortunately) think that they can change their partner. They think that if they love that person enough or if they wait long enough that this person will change. So in addition to memory loss, they’re also lying to themselves.
The lyrics of the song “Love Affair” by Copeland (Link) capture the feelings and questions we ask when we are trapped in this sort of relationship. Here are the full lyrics if you want to check them out: Lyrics!!!
In a flash her heart is slain, you have to ask in all this pain.
Was your heart too soft? Was your love in vain?
Was your kiss too weak? Were your eyes too tight?
And much too young to be in love?
We ask these questions because we wonder, “Could I have done something different to make this relationship work, to make this person treat me the way I deserve to be treated?” So we keep going back, in hopes that things will change. This song is one of my all time faves by the way!!! I’m a big song lyric person ha ha. And I have to admit I’ve had this song on repeat several times in my life.
My question for people dealing with this right now is, what do you believe about yourself? Do you really think this kind of relationship is all you're worth?
Women, I know I’m generalizing but based on some of my conversations with male friends (And I’m not saying all my male friends are a**holes, you know I love you!), half the time men go back to a relationship is usually not just because they miss, it's because you are making yourself accessible. They know that if they say the right things they will get you back...and get you in the sack. Hey, that rhymes. I should make a rap out of that. Same goes with men, the type of women who manipulate you are going to be able to do so because you let them!
So I urge you - look for patterns. Because there are always patterns. You are together, he/she treats you with love and gives you attention, and finally an argument occurs for whatever reason and you get angry at her/him. You break things off and ignore him/her for a couple days and feel great about it. Then finally she/he calls you or texts you or writes on your damn face book wall (!) and you break down and respond because you don't want to be rude and act like he/she even matters to you. So you talk and he/she jokes with you and you talk about how things are going in your life (Because you know its been THREE WHOLE DAYS of not talking so much must have happened during that time) and all of a sudden you find yourself fond of him/her again and feeling a weird affectionate feeling. I wish I could tell you it stops right there, but it doesn't. Next thing you know you're at the movies with him/her, having a nice dinner...one thing leads to another and............womp womp womp. Back to square one.
I think the # 1 problem is that we want instant gratification and we aren't giving ourselves enough time to fully get over someone. It takes a sufficient amount of time and distance away from a person to see a situation objectively and make smarter decisions.
Don't get me wrong, it hurts and there can be moments where the loss of that person in your life is almost unbearable but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once you are out you will have the ability to look back and realize how trapped you were in that relationship cycle.
I remember a time in my life where I thought that I would rather be unhappy and "with someone" than be alone....this is another lie we tell ourselves because we are so scared of being alone and we convince ourselves that this is the ONLY guy (or girl) we could possibly be with.
Finally, let me just say that no one is immune to this: men and women in all types of relationships. We are creatures of habit, who tend to repeat mistakes and do crazy things for the sake of finding love. Sometimes we learn, sometimes we don't…
To those who have made the mistake of returning to an ex over and over again, was it worth it now that you've broken out of the "cycle"? And what are the reasons you think you stayed in the cycle in the first place?
10 comments:
AMAZINGGGG!!!... so much truth! We all long to be loved, and gasp... we get hurt. As the old saying goes, "stay angry as long as you can, because once the anger goes away, it hurts like hell."... and with that hurt comes the amnesia! No one wants to remember the bad. We hold on to the good memories, the pleasant ones, because the bad and hurtful ones hurt way too much to hold on to! We push them way down into the depths of the abyss...
I don't think anyone can tell someone in this spot how to break the cycle, you have to do it for yourself. Its like kicking a bad habit. Like smoking, many people can tell you how they kicked it, suggest a patch or gum, or many of the other methods out there...but only you can discover what works for you. The problem is, we often need our brains rewired because we no longer know what is good for us... THIS is the tricky part.
Ohhh Mel...This is such a great blog topic to do =). I mean I'm not the best writer or the best story teller, but I have to comment on this one. I have to admit I am one THOSE girls if you think about it, but to be honest I am not sure if all of the reasons such as needing to feel loved or wanted are at the top of the list. I feel as if the friendship is so strong that I don't want to let the person go. I mean even though we are not together anymore we still remain friends, but sometimes I catch myself acting like his girlfriend again. We had been together for over 3 years and I knew I wasn't going to be with him forever, but I just couldn't let our friendship go. Trusttt me when I say that I have been through a LOT and learned SO much from this relationship. It's true. I am a changed girl.
Although I really wish some of the things never happened in our relationship, at the same time I am thankful even though I have grew a grey hair each time. jk ;). It's crazy though honestly how women go back!!! Really thinking about it he really crushed my heart, my feelings, and all of what I thought was love. I wish I had memory loss to forget all the hurtful things, but regardless I can't seem to let go of the friendship. I shared so much with him and thought such wonderful things. We went through a lot together and I still remain close with his family. I mean does it count if I am aware of what I am doing? It is kind of like playing with fire, but I am soooo tired of dating. It sounds like I'm just settling, but trust me I'm not ;) when I see someone I want I still go for them and am willing to date. Honestly sometimes I just want someone to be comfortable around and know that the person just understands and gets me. 'Men' these days are seriously boys with a little longer penis. hopefully...and in some cases not. haha. Although small ones make great stories. Another great blog is what happened to guys opening doors, paying for first dates, holding out for homebase, and in general just being romantic. GOSH. I have recently been with such a gentlemen...but you know then there's something else wrong with him. Egh. This is why I love Sex and the City they just give it to you like it is. Anyways, you just have to be very careful and alert in situations with your ex or exes. Do you think I'm in denial or Do you think this friendship thing is a good idea? The best way to end this is you live and learn, so hopefully whatever I learned I don't relive again.
such a good point.....it's pretty much EXACTLY like smoking. there is no set formula for breaking the habit...you have to be completely ready to break it and it's different for everyone! I think it's so important as friends also to understand what another person is going through if they are stuck in a relationship like this...there is nothing you can say or do to change their behavior, it's all "UP TO THEM!"
Great analogy!!!
"Stay angry as long as you...because once the anger goes away it hurts like hell..."
@Suz.....girl. I have been there...in a way I think I'm kind of still there =/
Sometimes there is that one person who changed the way you think about love...and you not only have a romantic relationship with them, you have a FRIENDSHIP with them....That is such an important aspect I didn't mention in this post. And maintaining the friendship is hard when they were such an important person to you....and I've totally been there. You try to a be a friend but slowly but surely you start acting like he's your boyfriend...and vice versa they do the same because you've been there! And its SO EASY.
And dating is a BITCH.
So to be honest with you I think it counts that you are aware ;) Because that means you're not in denial!
The friendship thing is a dangerous territory...Unfortunately I feel like until we find a love or relationship with someone that was equal to or greater than the one we had with that person...the friendship will be hard to break :(
Thank you so much for commenting...As I read your post I felt like it was me writing....
Yeah, to me it's super sad to see this. I have never had the desire to stay with a guy that hurt me but from the experiences I've seen my friends go through, it's nothing but a never ending cycle of pain and frustration that the other person can't change for the sake of the relationship. My heart goes out to the girls who expect guys to want to change themselves just for the other person - one thing I do know from my own relationships is that if a guy doesn't want to change, there is nothing you can do in the situation to make him change. Until he decides he needs to change something about himself, he won't do it. I guess us girls just ignore this truth and go on thinking we just haven't used enough persuasion or demonstrated our love enough for them to change. But it's not in our hands!
Also, I have never been friends with an ex and it has been drama-free. With Nav, I experienced and continue to experience nothing but drama. I still really want him in my life as a friend, but I just know it's only a matter of time before we decide again (for the 100th time) that it's best we don't talk. The only exception to this is if the break-up was mutual. If one person ended the relationship while the other still wanted to pursue it, friendship is a lost cause....you may say you're "friends" with your ex but you're sleeping with him/her, drunk txting him/her, or having to deal with jealous thoughts once you find out they have moved on or are dating. That's all I've really got to say :)
Such truth Shaudi...if a guy doesn't want to change HE ISN'T GONNA CHANGE. And I think girls go back thinking that "this time around things will be different" and it never is. I supposed it's just a lesson that has to be learned by some girls in their search for the right partner.
And I agree "friends" with an ex is pretty much impossible if you're still feeling jealousy or interacting with them in a way that is more than friends...I think the only way its possible to be friends with an ex is if enough time has gone by, feelings are gone and both parties have moved on. EVEN THEN...WHY? What's the point. He's your EX for a reason....
yar yar yar. Thank you for sharing Shaudiiiii :)
This answer is easier to find than ever. The reality is simple, that what women what and what they respond to are often two different things, and sometimes polar opposites. Girls say they want caring, sensitive, and loving, but they continue to date or pursue “jerks” or “**sholes”. Girls try to justify this problem and they even gave it a name; they like to call it “love”. Truth is, women are emotional and sexual creatures; and “nice guys” just don’t give them the emotional or sexual excitement they TRULY crave. I believe there are biological and genetic factors, but this is not a class.
Picture a heart meter like you see in hospital movies or shows, when someone is dead it is annoying silent, but goes nuts when excitement kicks in. “Nice guys” will calm a girl down when she is pissed at him, and make love to her everyday…. Like girls SAY they want. The emotional spikes are never there, he keeps her on a dead, boring frequency.
The jerk, on the other hand, makes that heart monitor go nuts every day, all day. Once second he hates her, then next loves her, makes love to her, then just bones her, tells her she is his world, then ignores her. Her emotional spikes are flying everywhere. Girls don’t even explain or understand why they crave this (Example: I just love him so much!), but they say they hate it.
Girls love emotional situations and excitement because it is more intriguing and lively than the boring nice guy. I’ve gotten better results by being mean, than being nice. What girls say they want and what they respond to are different. Call it affection, or love, but in the end you girls crave excitement and fun. You’ll date a punk in early years, and usually have sex very quickly. When you meet Mr. Right, you make him wait awhile for sex, and you’ll probably marry him, but you’ll think of the “jerk” boning you; while your boring “nice guy” makes love to you.
Lessons: 1) What women say they want and what they respond to are different, and sometimes opposite.
2)We are all like animals; forget words like love and affection. Just call it what it is. Girls like power, exciting genes, but will settle for boring, successful offspring. 3)Try to be open - minded when you read this. I'm not a hater, I just accept life for how it is; not how I want it to be.
Daniel I think you have a really great point - one of the biggest questions I've always pondered is why women (including myself) have fallen in love with the "bad guys" instead of pursuing the opportunities with the obviously good guys who would have treated us better. I think from my experience at a certain age I had to experience the bad guy in order to appreciate the good guy.
I agree that Girls love emotional excitement....some maybe too much but I think that the older I get I'm realizing that emotional excitement can still exist in a relationship with a good guy. Unfortunately some women will still continue to pursue the wrong guys because they can't break out of that cycle.
I'm gonna be honest with you - I was totally into that MEAN guy. If a guy was standoffish I liked him more but when I guy was super nice I didn't....but since then I've been trying to increase awareness about my instincts and realize If I am ever going to find the "right" guy giving the nice guys a chance is important - life is not all about finding that emotional rush..........so yea Daniel I feel your pain, the issue goes both ways because guys seem to be attracted to the wrong things also.
I always have an open mind and I know you are speaking from your experience and I think it's really awesome to hear your point of view! Thank you for sharing <3
Attraction isn't a choice. If a girl has made an impression of you and has no attraction for you; a man can do NOTHING to change that. If a girl has attraction for a guy for any reason; there is NOTHING she can do to change that.
If you are not attracted to a nice guy, then you probably never will be. You may marry him, but it doesn't mean you are attracted.....
Breaking the cycle for the last time is the best feeling. You've exhausted all your plans to fix it, and you realize no matter how the dynamic of your relationship changes, it's never gonna work.
You're right, it hurts immensely for a while, but it feels so good when the pain subsides.
Also, I've noticed that the last time you break up with someone, you don't take much time getting over them, no matter how long you two were off-and-on.
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