So I’m gonna get straight to the question I’m pondering: when two people “couple up,” whether it’s getting hitched or dating exclusively, why does it seem like they forget about their friends?
I’ve been guilty of it and I’m sure many other have too. But why does it happen?
Three arguments come to mind – I don’t necessarily believe all three but I think that I’ve definitely thought about them at one point or another.
Romantic relationships are more important to us than friendships.
How much more emphasis is there in our society on relationships than friendships? If I try to think of 5 love songs off the top of my head I can easily, but I struggle to do the same for songs about friendships. Face it people, we love love. It gives us a thrill that cannot compete with the satisfaction a friend gives us, not to mention other physical benefits that come with romantic relationships.
From an evolutionary perspective, romantic relationships are more desirable because they satisfy our need to procreate and further our species. Friendships don’t really have an evolutionary purpose if you really think about it.
Romantic relationships take more effort than friendships, so when someone enters one they end up losing friends in order to make up for the time they need to maintain their new relationship.
I read an article about a news report from the British Science Festival where they figured when a person (this goes for both men and women) adds a new relationships they drop 2 friends (read the article for more info). They attribute this loss to the limited ability of human beings to maintain a certain amount of close relationships in their life at a time. So maybe our brains just cannot manage a significant other and keep all the friends they had when they were single.
Friendships are just fillers for what we really want: romance.
If this is true, I will cry. Because friends are really important to me and I don’t want to think of them as “fillers.” But I’ve been guilty of losing friends when gaining a significant other so I can’t really point any fingers at people. All I know is that I’m going to try my best to not do it again. C.S. Lewis brilliantly describes friendship in his book The Four Loves as a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. We need people in our lives who can share our interests besides our significant others. Plus, what are the odds that the person we couple with has all the same interests as us?
My thoughts of the day:
- Friends are IMPORTANT. For single people and for people in relationships. When you isolate yourself in a relationship with another person you lose touch with reality. Friends make you live longer. So get out of your rabbit hole and remember that there are other people in the world other than your significant other.
- If you lose your friends while in a relationship and then expect them to be there when you break up, you’re an idiot.
- Keeping in touch with people really isn’t that hard, especially now that we have facebook, texting, cell phones, email….we really have no excuse for losing touch except that we are lazy.
It’s hard to find good friends people, so cherish the ones you have.
4 comments:
This points are so true. I think it also extends to family ties being lost as well. I know of many relationships that have taken away from family time and this is very upsetting for the members. This only causes more turmoil - doesn't help the relationship when members of the family feel as if their child/bro/cousin etc. are being taken away from them. So its also important that the relationship doesn't become a secluded one. Let each other go off and do their own thing. Don't feel like you have to do everything together all the time. I honestly feel that this helps the relationship ALOT! Being struck together like glue is not benefiting you, especially in the long run.
I couldn't agree more with that comment. I know it may be tempting in the beginning of a relationship to spend every waking moment with each other, but it's just not healthy behavior. Plus taking it slow can be a good thing, it makes getting to know a person more exciting and it also extends the "honeymoon" phase.
When two people get in a relationship and they have to spend every waking moment with each other - something isn't right. It's healthy to want space and maintain a sense of independence from your partner. Clinginess stems from insecurity of being alone. If more people learned that we'd have a lot less failed marriages!!!
Thanks for your comment :)
Evolutionarily, friendships are very important. The stronger your relationships with your peers, the more of a safety net you have when things go bad, whether it be financial, health-wise, or what have you. This goes back even before market-based societies to hunter-gatherer communities and beyond. Friendships are fueled by the same very similar reasons that ultimately fuel romantic relationships; the more united a group of people are working to survive, the better the chances of their survival. It's the same reason why two people who become romantically involved will usually at some point decide to live together and merge their incomes, possessions, and finances.
In some cases, the relationships which neglect their friendships are just a result of puppy-love immaturity. The relationship is new and exciting, and the persons are really smitten with one another so they spend all their time together and their friendships suffer. Then when they get burnt out from spending every moment together, they are heart broken and turn to their friends, wondering why their friends aren't there to console them. But I think this is the case mostly with young relationships, even more 'mature' relationships can suffocate friendships and family connections, but the causes are not the same.
In many western societies, like America, the emphasis is on ultimate individualism and acquisition. There is a limitless hierarchy of success you can climb (and is to some extent never-ending), but by definition, the higher you go, the less of a safety net you have. If you want to be successful by those standards, you have to work your ass off. This leaves very little time for relationships of all kinds. This is why many people are forced to chose a small group of people who get whatever free time they have left. This usually ends up being a significant other, and maybe a few friends and/or family. If the couple decides to raise children, that leaves even less time. And no one would ask a parent to give up what little time they already have with their own children, after all their evolutionary directive is to make sure their kids are raised with all the proper tools and knowledge to succeed in the type of environment they will be competing to survive in.
What am I getting at by all this rambling? Basically, I don't think romantic relationships are a threat to friendships, I think our society is a threat relationships, of all kinds.
First let me say two things. Matt thank you for contributing your valuable opinion. And second you are a great writer :)
Okay so I never thought of that evolutionary aspect that friends bring to a persons life. I guess I was only thinking as far as procreation not maintaining the species. So friends have a purpose in our lives, I don't deny that obviously!
Yet we will neglect friendships for romance. Is this society's fault?I think it might be.
I also think that's a great point about the individualistic society we live in. Society is a threat to relationships...and maybe society's view of romantic relationships and the way we are influenced to think about them cause us to sacrifice friendships for romance.
Just a thought?
I don't know I just wish more people in the world realized how Important ALL relationships are.
Thanks again.
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