In my opinion, there are only two things you can do in
response to conflict: avoid it (i.e. pretend it's not there, ignore it, run from it) or embrace it. Sometimes, it may seem like an easier option to avoid conflict at all costs. However, this alternative can lead to emotional explosions, internal unhappiness and discontent, and hypocrisy.
In case you still don't get it, let me spell it out for ya.....
Emotional Explosions: These occur when you hold in conflicted feelings for a long period of time. You continually suppress the negative emotions and days pass until *WHAM* something triggers you and you EXPLODE with frustration and anger. Sound familiar?
Internal Unhappiness and Discontent: Studies indicate that internal unhappiness and discontent stems from low self-esteem and passiveness. When you aren't able to express your conflicted needs and face conflict in a problem solving way, the emotions just stay trapped within and there is no release. Who wants to walk around with all of that baggage inside?
Hypocrisy: When you have a conflicted feeling about another person and you express it to everyone else but THAT person - you are being a hypocrite. We are all guilty of this, however, those who avoid conflict are a little bit more guilty than the rest of us.
So, how then do we deal with conflict? Here are 5 things to consider when facing a conflict that may possibly make the idea a little bit more approachable:
#1. CHECK your attitude: It's not always what you say, but how you say it.
Whenever you're in conflict with someone,
there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your
relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
- William James
William James knew what he was talking about. If you're going to enter an argument with a sour attitude and the goal of putting the other person down with negativity, you're not going to get ANYWHERE. If you can't have a good attitude in the moment then take a breather and re-visit the conflict when you're better prepared to be open minded. That leads me to #2....
#2. Space is NOT a bad thing
In my experience, I've noticed two additional classifications of people when it comes to conflict: those who "need space" to cool down before they re-visit the subject, and those who want to hash it all out "RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Being a "RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW" person myself, it's taken me some time to adjust to those "space-needers" in my life. Although I hate to admit it, space can actually be a very good thing in conflict. It gives the body time to relax out of the "fight or flight" mode that activates as soon as a conflict starts, and allows a person to think clearer. In the end, it's a give and take situation: the "space needers" need to reassure their partners that they will revisit the subject when they are ready, and the "RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW's" need to respect their partners request for space, and learn from that beneficial experience.
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| NOT an example of a way to deal with conflict =] |
#3 No Name Calling!
Although it may feel extremely gratifying to call your partner a "big fat stupid idiot jerk (edited version)," it doesn't further the goal of a productive resolution. When you call someone a name, the discussion eventually focuses on the names you call each other instead of the actual issue. So when you call your partner, "a spoiled brat" or a "pain in the a$$" because they did something you didn't like, it is most likely that you're going to end up fighting about whether or not these names are true instead of the real issue.
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#4 Be Prepared to Compromise.
I wrote a blog once about compromise. You should check it out here. Relationships are about compromise and sometimes you have to pick your battles. In addition, you will often just have to agree to disagree. The beauty of life is that we all have our opinions, experiences and feelings. If we all felt and reacted the same way, we would be robots...or cylons...or droids - take your pick on the nomenclature, nerds.
#5 Let conflict lead to change, discovery and learning.
If we allow ourselves, we can be transformed by the conflicts in our lives. The way we react and respond to others teach us about our own feelings. When a conflict occurs and you problem-solve the situation, you are able to learn something new about the other person and hopefully improve your relationship with them. Don't just let conflict be conflict - LEARN FROM IT!
And that's all Melanie wrote for today...Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear additional conflict-resolution ideas and thoughts!
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