The Past And Relationships

Anyone who has ever lived has a past – baggage that stays with us in the present and determines a great deal of our personality. Although we try our best to learn from past negative experiences, they always influence our future by making us hesitant to take certain risks (whether we like it or not.) No one wants to repeat past mistakes, or go through heartache they have gone through before, but sometimes it happens because we don’t take the time to really understand our past actions.

There are many aspects of the “past” to consider. When two people start a relationship, it is a given that you both have a past and that there are people that have existed before YOU. Sometimes curiosity gets the best of you and you find yourself having long drawn out conversations about past lovers and exes. If you think about it, what really is the point of that? Is it going to make a positive difference in your life if you know more about what his/her ex looked like or how great or horrible their relationship was? No. The person is here NOW with YOU, and that’s all that matters. Unless of course they are verbal that their ex still matters to them – that’s a whole other issue. It really isn’t a good idea to get involved with someone if they are still holding on to a past relationship.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to forget the past, it is a part of our lives. So why do we even try to pretend it doesn’t exist? The negative things that occurred in the past occurred for a reason. We can take those occurrences, understand them, accept them and move forward. Bitterness and frustration over the past doesn’t go away overnight, of course. Sometimes it takes time for it to fade and to see a situation objectively, beyond just the pain you felt at the time.

My next thought is about revisiting the past. Sometimes people from your past leave your life for awhile and you find them back in your life again. Some people would rush to say that this is a complete mistake, and some would disagree. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it - I guess it depends on the situation. But if it’s something you feel is right, go with it. In situations like this it is important to take it slow – renewing a relationship takes time, patience and understanding. Making it easy to just “start back at square one” with someone just invites the past to resurface and continue the chaotic relationship you once had. Second chances are a beautiful thing….just don’t take them for granted.

One final thought:

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

The Past And Relationships

Great (and not so great) Expectations in Relationships

There are so many avenues to go down when it comes to discussing expectations in relationships.The first that comes to mind are the certain expectations that come with labels we place on relationships. When you’re “dating” expectations are low but as a relationship grows and becomes a “serious relationship” or “engaged/married,” more expectations start to surface. Even if we try to fight it, it just always seems to happen – which is why I think many people these days are refusing to put the label of “marriage” on themselves. 

So it seems there is a very small chance of avoiding expectations in any relationship. I think I’ve noticed that a main problem with women and expectations is the fact that we think guys should read our minds. Ladies, although it would be wonderful, life is not a romantic comedy and our men are not always going to have the right thing to say. In fact, they may say the “wrong” thing more often than not. The popular saying goes: we teach people how to treat us, and it’s true. If you aren’t happy with something a guy does, instead of being passive-aggressive and trying to manipulate him into the right behavior, just straight up tell him how you feel! You’ll be surprised how well this can work.

As far as men and expectations goes, I don’t have as much experience because I am a woman, so I’d like to hear what men have to say as regarding their expectations for their girlfriends or wives. Speak to me men! 

All I know is that men: if you don’t know what to do in a situation – just ASK us what we want. We might not even know but at least you asked. But please don’t say, “Well what do you want from me?” or “What do you expect me to say?” I think that may just piss us off. Yeah, we’re complicated. 

I was reading an article about the different ways to prevent the development of high expectations in a romantic relationship too early. I think that high expectations too early and rushing into a relationship can cause the romance to fizzle and the relationship to fall apart. 

So here’s some “fashioned bylaws of romance” according to Virginia Saddock, a professor of Psychiatry at NYU:

    1.  Don't rush into sex. (Agreed, Sex changes everything.) 

        
       2. Let the relationship deepen slowly over months. (Which                     requires PATIENCE)

    3. Think about what you bring to the relationship, not what you         get from it. (Definitely a thought, aren't we always selfishly    

     thinking about what we are getting than what we are giving in a 

     relationship?) 

    4.  Understand that heady passion may not last, but love does. 

    (Although heady passion can be fun every now and then. heh.)

  

    5.   Work through problems to have a stronger relationship in the

           end. (Not the most fun, but definitely important.)

My main problem with expectations is when someone allows you to develop high expectations for them and then stops meeting them. A person can treat you a certain way and give you these expectations of them or how they are going to act and then all of a sudden completely change. 

What I think is just as important as managing your expectations of another person is managing the expectations you are setting for that person. Don’t lavish someone with attention for a certain amount of time because you feel insecure or needy (OR WHATEVER) and then suddenly stop because you are over it. Be consistent – I think that is a huge part of being in a healthy relationship. 

That’s all she wrote!

Great (and not so great) Expectations in Relationships

The Power of Time And Human Resilience

There are two things I know about time and human resilience – we underestimate their power and strength.

Let’s start with time. We don’t realize it, but it’s our best friend. Time (and space) from certain things allow us to think clearer and figure out what we truly want. I have to disclose that I’m speaking from personal experience at the moment.

What humans don’t realize is that by giving things time we allow ourselves to find out how we really feel. I just recently watched a documentary called, This Emotional Life, which is about the different aspects of emotions in the human experience. If you haven’t heard of it, check it out! It’s on Netflix Instant Play!

In one of the sections of the documentary, a study was portrayed in which a group of individuals were asked to choose between having only food or water if they were lost for two days. They asked two different groups of people: one group was asked after they exercised and the other group was asked before they exercised. The results showed that a majority of the people who were asked after exercising said water but most of the people who were asked before exercising said food.

How do they interpret these results? People who were asked after exercising were thirsty, so they chose water. That’s pretty obvious right? The scientists in the documentary basically explained that our brains think of the future and how we will feel in the future based on how we feel in the present. Therefore since these people felt thirsty at the time they were asked, they thought they would also feel thirsty in the future, so they answered “water.”

It comes down to this: our brains can’t believe that we might feel differently than we do now. So when we feel sad, broken hearted, in pain, happy, joyful – it’s like our brains think this is how we are always going to feel. I think this applies the most to sadness and broken hearts. We seem to forget when we are sad or depressed that in time we will heal and feelings will change.

There was also a term called “Hedonic adaptation” that was stated in the documentary. It’s the idea that human beings get accustomed to adapting to positive changes. It explains why we end up buying more and more “things.” I can definitely relate – I remember how excited I was for the Iphone 3GS and now that I’ve had it for a year and a half all I can think about it is getting a better version. I’m sure many of you can relate. I think that this can be applied to resilience and allowing time to heal our sadness. Our hearts will always heal with time and eventually, positive changes will come about even if we don’t want them to, and slowly we will adapt and the sadness will fade.

Whether you need to clear your head, heal your heart or “figure things out” – taking time and space for yourself is always your best bet.

If you take anything out of the post I want it to be this quote:

We overestimate the duration of emotions and underestimate our capacity to adapt.

Thank you.

The Power of Time And Human Resilience

Compartmentalizing, Men and Women

So where do I start? Compartmentalizing. As a Psychology graduate student with the hopes of one day being a licensed clinical psychologist, this is something that I’ve heard about relentlessly in classes. It’s the ability to separate yourself from the issues in your life and focus on the tasks you need to complete, or in my case the individuals I’ll be working with. Compartmentalizing also refers to an emotional ability to separate specific aspects of one’s life from others in order to prevent dwelling on negative feelings or ruminating.

I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of letting a fight with a significant other or family member cause us stress at our workplace or vice versa. That’s because compartmentalizing is not easy at all and unfortunately it is harder for some people than it is for others. Although it differs based on the person, it always seems to me that men have an easier time compartmentalizing than women do. While women tend to think fluidly and almost constantly, men will tackle one thing at a time and have the ability to compartmentalize a situation and think about it later. (Damn you, men.)

Before I go on, I want to make sure everyone knows I’m making generalizations based on experience and research and that not every woman and man thinks alike. Everything is always subjective and generalizations are not always 100% applicable.

So first, let’s talk biology. According to a study in 2001 by researchers from Harvard, certain parts of the brain are differently sized in males and females. The frontal lobe and limbic cortex are bigger in females, which control decision making and emotional regulation. Men also have 6.5 times more gray matter than females while women have 10 times more white matter. Gray matter is full of active neurons, while the white matter is full of connections between the neurons. Researchers suggest that this could explain why the female brain is more complicated and may process information faster than males. Could this attest to why women have trouble compartmentalizing the information and emotions they are feeling?

Compartmentalizing is a beautiful thing if it is done correctly. It is a way to sort and separate all of the dynamic aspects of life in order to prevent feelings overwhelmed. However it is important to not compartmentalize to the point where the important emotions and feelings are lost.

The fact that men compartmentalize can be frustrating for women because sometimes we just want answers or we have so many unorganized thoughts in our heads. These thoughts, fueled by emotions, usually come out in the form of verbal diarrhea. Sorry for the mental picture but it’s true. I have found myself on many occasions saying things I don’t mean or mentally freaking out because I am unable to think rationally in order to compartmentalize a situation.

I’m going to personalize this a bit and say that the biggest thing I think I have feared as a result of my lack of compartmentalizing skills are that I will push a guy away because of my words. The lack of ability to compartmentalize on a woman’s part can send a guy running because he doesn’t understand that sometimes women freak out and sometimes we just need to be reassured that everything is okay and that he still cares. And it just gets worse because then we live with the fear that we pushed him away and we have to work on compartmentalizing that fear and stop worrying. It’s a vicious cycle I tell you!

One final thing…I read this article posted on CBS.com titled “Advice from Cosmo on How to Better Handle the Man in Your life.”  I have to admit, as soon as I saw “Cosmo” I was about to click the X at the upper right hand corner of my browser but something made me scroll the article. The final piece of advice given by the editor-in-chief is this: “He won’t warn you if the relationship is on the rocks.” She basically says that guys will not warn you if he’s not happy or if he wants to end things because he doesn’t know himself. Men don’t spend tons of hours over-obsessing over the ups and downs of the day you spent together.

"Men tend to let the little things that irritate them build and build and build without saying a word, because they don't want to deal with the whole relationship drama," explains Hughes. "Then suddenly, their frustrations snowball and they go into crisis mode, ready to end things." She suggests that if you sense that your significant other is acting removed, to confront in a non-dramatic way.

So my question is how do we tell if a man is just doing normal compartmentalization or if there is really something wrong? How do we know when the silence is normal or it is a signal that things are going south? This is why men call women crazy. All of this wondering has caused us to go mad!

I need to stop writing before my head explodes. I’m going to post this, but something makes me think I should have compartmentalized first?

Compartmentalizing, Men and Women

Pet Peeves About Men: What Females Have To Say.

Awhile ago I surveyed some female friends and random individuals about common “pet peeves” about men.

I wanted to list a couple of these anonymously and see what the rest of the women out there think – and then hear from the men in response. Some are pretty funny! I added some of my own thoughts in parentheses.

             Check it out:

1)      “I hate it when men adjust their freaking crotch a million times and try to act like you don’t notice.” (note: if you need to switch to boxers men, please do it because we don’t want to see it.

2)      They tell you they will call you and then you never hear from them again. They can end a date with: "I had a good time," not "I had a good time, I'll call you!" (Yeah you know what don’t say you’ll call if you aren’t planning on it. That Goes for BOTH sexes in dating!)

3)      Momma’s Boys. (Momma’s boys are just looking for a female to take their mother’s place…and I think people will agree with me when I say, EW)

4)      When Men think women aren't smart enough to figure out their bullsh**. 

5)      When Men try to fix everything.

6)      Emotionally constipated men. (I think they should make a Metamucil for emotional issues)

7)      That they just don't get it - you have to over-explain things to them sometimes. (I’m sorry but I don’t think this will ever change.)

8)      When they won't just share their feelings. (How hard is it, really?)

9)      When they don't consider not giving the whole truth as another form of lying.

10)   Maybe the fact that they breathe. (ha ha ha, this one was my favorite)

11)   Being a bad text messager. (I know many people in general who are guilty of this!)

12)   When they mess up or lead you on and then avoid you because of their mistake. (AMEN!)

13)   How much time I spend to get ready for a date and then he shows up with shorts t-shirt and flip flops. (Yea, thanks guys.)

14)   Staring. Some men will just stare and it makes you feel so uncomfortable because you what they're thinking about. (My favorite is the gawking idiots in cars next to you and the light stays red for what seems like hours.)

15)   When a man is insecure when dating a beautiful/successful woman.

16)   Guys at the gym who have more muscles than personality.

17)   When a guy has no sense of humor...when he dishes it out but can't take it if a girl dishes it back to him.

18)   Men who wear unbuttoned shirts with their chest hair showing.

19)   When a man asks for a kiss. JUST KISS US ALREADY, if you have to ask then you don’t deserve a kiss.

20)   When they say they’re just teasing, but you know they mean it.

There you go ladies in gentleman, hope you enjoyed reading. And thanks to all the women who contributed! Feel free to comment on what you think :)

Pet Peeves About Men: What Females Have To Say.

And Women Are Apparently Like Waves....

Part two. John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” says:

“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down.”

In short, a woman’s ability to give love to her partner is relative to the amount of self-esteem she has. A woman’s ability to give and receive love in her relationship is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. Okay Mr. Gray, if you explain women this way, no wonder guys want to run the hell away!

I will admit, this is true to an extent. Self-esteem plays a big part in how well a woman can function in a relationship. Based on the social expectations we (women) have to live up to, can you blame some of us for having self-esteem issues? Most women are very emotional individuals and this is manifested in different ways - not necessarily by crying, moodiness, neediness or withdrawal.  But that is not ALL WE ARE. We also need emotional and physical space in relationships. We may be somewhat like waves, but many of us are also rubber bands.

We need space just as much as men do, however it’s not something we always give ourselves. I can attest to the fact that I’ve been in relationships where I am super excited and want to spend every moment with that person and I ignore the fact that I really need some time away – but when I finally take that time it’s like a breath of fresh air. To be honest, I think it may help a woman to realize she is not just an emotional being but a person who needs autonomy and individual time for herself.

I posted a quote on the It's Up To Us! Facebook site a week ago:

“Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.”

I would like to rephrase this:

“Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset AND free. Men want space while women want and need understanding AND space.”

Woman are dynamic beings and we aren’t one-dimensional so you can’t put us in a box. So call me a wave, a rubber band, a piece of meat, a “bitch,” or sugar and spice and everything nice. Who knows – I may be ALL of that and a bag of chips. 

And Women Are Apparently Like Waves....

Men are like...Rubber Bands?

I’m sure many of you have heard of the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray. If you haven’t heard of the book, you’ve probably heard the phrase. I recently started reading it after finding it at a thrift store and I figured I had nothing to lose for 25 cents.

He has this theory entitled, “Men are like rubber bands.” The idea behind this is that men pull away in relationships and can only stretch to a certain degree before springing back. He says that the intimacy cycle of men is that they get close, pull away and then get close again and this it is necessary for men to first pull away in order to be close again.

I’m interested to hear what other people have to say about this theory, (especially male readers!). I thought the chapter had some valid points but there were also some things I questioned. Biologically I understand the whole intimacy cycle and how it works with a man sexually. But does this apply emotionally also?

Women generally pull away for different reasons than men which is why women misunderstand them. I think this can definitely be a true statement. I think women sometimes pull away because they are hurt, trying to guard themselves or they are trying to manipulate the situation. Men are completely capable of doing the same thing but I think there are times when they recognize they just need space – which is something women can learn a lot from. Autonomy is a GOOD thing. Taking space from the relationship is healthy. It is great to connect with someone but losing yourself should not be part of it.

I do feel, however, that the idea of men being rubber bands can be interpreted in a very unhealthy way if one is not careful. The rubber band theory does not apply to men who are treating women poorly or manipulating them. This theory is not about being co-dependent and completely losing yourself so that you can be on his emotional time-table. Plus, how do you even determine that this is normal and the guy doesn’t just have emotional constipation?

All I know is that I think the idea of the man as a rubber band is valid – but it needs to be approached with caution. Next chapter in the book is entitled, “Women are like waves,” and boy am I excited! So be prepared for another fun-filled post. For now…tell me what you think!

Men are like...Rubber Bands?