The Imbalance of Affections

I was recently talking to a friend about this and have talked to many different people about this plague that seems to exist in the relationship realm. It’s what I like to call, “the imbalance of affections.”

Have you ever fallen into a relationship and felt like you care so much more about the person than they care about you? Or vice versa – they care so much about you and you seem sort of impartial?

I’ve experienced this in relationships: you aren’t very gung-ho about this person but they pursue you and you talk to them long enough where you fall madly in love – and when you finally do, they seem to be less-interested. And then the cycle continues where one of you is always more “into it” than the other.

Is this possibly an aspect of healthy relationships? Is this something that happens in the ebb and flow of life or is this completely unhealthy in every shape and form?

Do you ever notice that when you give a significant other less attention or seem nonchalant they seem to give you more attention? Or when someone is super-duper attentive you feel less attracted to them?

I think this is part human nature and part immaturity. Something about the “chase” is so appealing to us - knowing that we have to strive to get that person’s feelings to equal ours. Yet when we do get the balance of affection it isn’t as appealing any more. Part of being in a healthy, balanced relationship is the understanding that there is an ebb and flow. There are times where one person will be more “present” in the relationship than others and vice versa. A healthy relationship appreciates when affections are both equal and imbalanced and embraces the changes of life.

I’m going to admit, I’ve found myself in the past silently manipulated a significant other by “withdrawing” a tiny bit just to find them suddenly giving more attention to the relationship. When you do that and you feel that you are the one who “loves less” it gives you a sense of empowerment – but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Everyone deserves a balanced relationship and if you feel like you are playing games with a person, I guarantee you it will lead to unhappiness and resentment.

 Try not to play the “affections game” – balance is a hard thing to maintain, but it’s definitely worth striving for.

The Imbalance of Affections

Is it Girl Code, or are we just haters?

"Girl code." Someone on urban dictionary defined it as, “The code of guidelines that girls must obey in order to not get kicked out of the community.”I never realized that my membership to the female community was at risk (!) – don’t know if I’d go that far.

Anyway, we’ve all heard of it – the “code” that heterosexual females have regarding relationships, dating and friendships.

Here are some off the top of my head:

"Don't fool around with a friends’ ex."

"Always tells each other when there is something in your teeth, your dress is sticking in your underwear, you have toilet paper stuck on the bottom of your shoe, or your bump-it is showing." :)

“No girl shall wear the same outfit or perfume as a friend if they will knowingly be in the same place.”

Yeah, those are easy, most of the time - but what about the unspoken rules regarding exes?
 

Situation: you have a best friend who broke up with their boyfriend. "Girl code" dictates that you stop talking to their ex and you make sure to hate and mutually ridicule any girl that her ex-boyfriend dates.

Sound familiar? We've all done it. Maybe it's the whole camaraderie between women thing - we like to gossip and discuss other females all in the name of “protecting” our girlfriends. Is it really protecting? Or do we just like to channel the "mean girl" spirit and hate on each other?

Why do women expect other women to hate each other's exes and every girl their ex dates? In some cases, this doesn't cause a conflict. But when mutual friends or small group of close-knit friends are involved, what is the protocol?

It's not a black-and-white issue. And now that I think about it this  girl code should be reconsidered and applied on a situational basis. Women, I know your first impulse is to despise any girl your ex decides to date – but does it really make a difference? Is hating really the answer? And is it really necessary to make all of your friends also hate her and ostracize her? Of course, if you never have to see your ex again, this doesn’t apply. I just think that we all need to at least let people give us a chance to hate them first. Ha ha.

BUT in many situations we have to pick sides and it’s either your girl friend or their ex (if you were friends with both of them) and in that case you have to decide what really matters to you. But even in that situation gossiping, spreading rumors and talking negatively about that person is not going to make a difference. That’s what I mean by getting rid of the “mean girl.” I know we love to hate, but why not take an approach that promotes neutrality and less drama?

So before you decide to talk a little “smack” on the new girl, the friends ex, or even your own ex, think about it: is this an expression of your true feelings or are you just being a hater?

Until next time.

Is it Girl Code, or are we just haters?

No Fakes Allowed!

We are all aware that the divorce rate keeps rising and that many people have relationship issues. I’ve been through it and I’ve seen others go through it and it’s made me wonder why? Why are there so many failed relationships out there? I can’t speak for the whole world, but my thoughts on this bleak subject led me to think about authenticity.

Social networking and online dating is on the rise. With websites like Facebook, Match.com, Twitter etc. we have the opportunity to display whatever image of ourselves that we want. We showcase the aspects of ourselves that we want to showcase. In addition, we spend a lot of time socializing without being face to face, and texting instead of talking on the phone which creates an environment of even less authenticity. Who hasn’t talked to someone online and noticed a complete opposite experience when you are face to face? It’s easier to put yourself out there and assert yourself online. I can’t imagine trying to truly date by meeting someone online because of this factor. However, I haven’t completely ruled out the option =].

I understand why online social interaction is so popular – because it’s an easier way to socialize. It takes less work, it can be done literally anywhere you have a computer or phone, and it’s easy to stay within your comfort zone. But is it healthy? Has anyone stopped to really consider that?

 Authenticity or to put it simply, “being oneself.” Knowing who you are and being that person, in your behavior, words, relationships and innermost thoughts. This is such an important overlooked aspect of people when it comes to relationships. I think so many individuals aren’t authentic with one another in a relationship and after years of being together their real selves emerge and opinions start to clash. Then the fighting stars and things fall apart.  

What are the benefits of being authentic? You know who you are and you don’t pretend to be someone you are not therefore people are getting the real you. It prevents finding the wrong person. Of course, the process of being authentic is different for everyone. Some people find it easier to “be themselves” than others. It’s very possible though that the people who have had trouble finding “Mr. or Mrs. Right” have been either dating people who aren’t authentic or have personal trouble with authenticity.

Too bad there isn’t an “authenticity radar” that we could create or develop in our brains.

A couple thoughts on how to be authentic:

1)      Know yourself. Know your faults, your strengths, your likes and dislikes. And don’t apologize for these things or let anyone make you feel inferior for being them.

2)      Be real in your responses to people and your behaviors, and conversations. I’m not saying to tell everyone everything you think about them. But if you don’t like someone, don’t beat around the bush and pretend you are BFF’s. And if you like someone, don’t be afraid to show it!

3)      Be honest with yourself and others about your feelings on things. If something bothers you don’t be afraid to voice it. Being honest with yourself requires mindfulness and examining what you want and what makes you happy. And when you know what makes you happy you will look for it, find it, and not compromise for anything less!

I need to stop before I start sounding even more like a self-help book.

All I know is, If everyone was just a little more authentic and honest with each other in relationships, the world would be a better place.

As good ol' Bill Shakespeare sayeth, “To thine own self be true.”

No Fakes Allowed!

Are they all the same? The categories of men. (A post for the ladies!)

“All men are the same!”

If you are a woman, you have said this at least once in your lifetime. Personally, I think we like to say it. It reinforces when a man does something stupid or when we’ve been dumped. But it is true? Well I’d like to give you my theory which began its formulation circa 2001. If you are one of my close friends, you have heard my categorical theory of men so it’s just a nice refresher :).

So let me start by making this clear: ALL MEN WANT SEX 50-75% of the day, or more. If they are not thinking about that then they are thinking about food or sleep most of the time. It’s just a fact of life and I’ve accepted it. A majority of guys do not spend a great deal of time obsessing over relationships and although females have all heard this before we seem to really have a hard time getting it to resonate.

So men want sex. The key is how men DEAL with sex that makes them the type of guy they are.

Guy number 1: The "aggressive and aware of it" man

HeHelskdjalksas is sexual. He loves sex and he loves his man parts and he’s proud of it! He is the man who will flirt with you in a bar while using sexual connotations in his sentences. He is the man who will say outright "I want to f*** you!" and not apologize for it. He does not hide the fact that he enjoys women and sex and will do whatever he has to do to get it. 

         Under this category they are two subcategories:

 Perverted "aggressive and aware of it" man is the type of man who could possibly turn into a sex offender or be accused of a crime if he isn't careful. He is aggressive and will ask women on a date several times or just blatantly and not smoothly ask women for sex and expect a positive response. Creepster status.

Confident "aggressive and aware of it" man is that man who admits he wants sex and has the ability to convince a woman that doing it with him may be the most enjoyable experience of her life. He is the man who is the typical bad boy and "you know you want me" is plastered all over his forehead. The sad thing is, sometimes we actually consider the thought of having sex with this man!

So next we have guy number 2: The "passive-aggressive man"

He wants sex but likes to play it off like he couldn’t care less. Passive Aggressive man plays it smooth. He comes off as this sweet sensitive and caring guy and then he ignores you after the first sex encounter. He is the one who comes off as genuine and will screw you over in the end. They are aware that they want sex and have no intention of a relationship, even though they have the potential for one. Usually they are in need of attention so they cannot commit to one woman, because one is not enough. But they know that in order to stay on good terms with females they need to flirt and be on their "best behavior" so they put up a front: two faced. This guy is dangerous because when you are with him the attention that he gives you is extremely satisfying. The memories you make with him are unforgettable which keeps you coming back for more. In the end you get screwed and are screwed and he continues to mess with your mind. He tends to be a liar and will say anything, whether it is true or not, to get in your head (and pants). Sound familiar?

Guy number 3 is "the passive self-aware man.”

He can be respectful, romantic, and cerebral. He can also be reclusive, nerdy and inexperienced. He knows that he loves sex but has the ability to control it and is sometimes found getting more attached to a girl than she is to him. He doesn’t pursue casual sex encounters simply because he wants more than that. He is the man who wants marriage and a family one day and is o.k. with admitting that.  In the end, what really matters to him is having sex with someone he cares about. How can I explain this without him sounding like a woman? Needless to say, these men do exist! Unfortunately, relationships with them aren’t always a fairy tale. The passive self-aware man can also the overprotective leech who call you 10x a day and doesn’t feel comfortable with you hanging out with your friends alone. He may also rush the seriousness of the relationship. On the other hand he can also be the guy who avoids you because he felt uncomfortable. He’s a complicated man – but the way he deals with sex is probably the most desirable to women. Too bad we rarely want to date these guys off the bat.

When you meet this guy (because most women usually encounter this guy eventually) can either be annoying to you, or he can be refreshing. If he is your first boyfriend you will mostly likely take advantage of his niceness or feel smothered by his attention to you. But if you’ve been around the block and you’ve encountered man #1 and #2 you might feel refreshed by meeting him. You may also be frustrated because he isn't the "typical" guy you have encountered over the years.

                                                            ------------------------------------

To end this long-winded post let me just say that these categories are flexible. A guy can be a #1 sometimes and a #2 other times in his life. Or he can have some qualities of all three categories, which I think most men are – this just to highlight what I’ve seen in my experience.

 So men want sex and in the end all three of these types eventually get laid. The need for sex is always satisfied, they just take three different routes to get there. While guy number two lies to get in your pants, guy number one tells the truth! 

So men are getting what they want. HOW COME WOMEN AREN'T?

Here is one suggestion:

Women want something that not all men can give, but men want something that ALL women have: a vajayjay.

:)

Are they all the same? The categories of men. (A post for the ladies!)

Valentine Blues ♥

Some of you may be aware of the indie film out, Blue Valentine featuring Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling (!!!!).  I definitely recommend this film for people who can handle a movie with some sadness and a little raw emotion. Besides the phenomenal acting performances, the plot provoked a great deal of thought in me regarding relationships.                                         

I'm not going to give any spoilers, but the overall plot of the film portrays the romantic relationship between two individuals. Parallel stories about their relationship are going on within the film, one that is very happy and hopeful and another that is tragic and heartbreaking. I was thinking about why I loved the film so much and it led to me to think back on how I asked “It’s Up to Us!” blog readers whether they thought it was worth it to love someone and lose than to never have loved in the first place.

As I watched some of the happy and hopeful scenes of the film I felt this sense of satisfaction and joy in watching two people fall in love and connect in this enormous way. The experience of connecting with someone, being completely on the same level and knowing that this feeling is reciprocated is one of the greatest experiences a human being can have, in my opinion. Then while watching the scenes where the relationship began to destruct, all I could think was, "All of this pain they are feeling right now....it is worth going through."

It's just worth it - the pain, the anger, and the frustration in realizing that you've changed or they have changed, or that you just don't feel the same, or that things aren't going to work out…or that you just aren't meant to be.
The time you spent with that person isn't wasted time, because you experienced unique happiness with that person that is important to your life story. So maybe it's time for us to focus on the positive time spent with a person rather than the fact that the relationship didn't finish with a "happy ending." Appreciate it for what it is.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

There is a quote in the film where Michelle Williams' character asks her grandmother how anyone can know if their love will last? “How will you know if your feelings for a person won't fade?” And her grandmother replies by saying that there is no way to know. The only way to know is to have the feelings.

I think that paraphrases what the movie is all about and it's up to us as the viewers to decide whether we think it was worth it or not and apply that to our attitude about our own experience. We can look at it positively or negatively, it's all "Up to us" (!).

And I think I'm going to give "positive" a try......

I encourage you all today on Valentine’s Day to embrace this day for the sake of love, whether you are single or in a relationship. Ignore the annoying commercials and overpriced greeting cards. Celebrate the love you have in your life the way YOU want to!

Have a wonderful day!  ♥

Valentine Blues ♥

+ [plus] a boy[girl]friend… - [minus]friends. Do the math.

So I’m gonna get straight to the question I’m pondering: when two people “couple up,” whether it’s getting hitched or dating exclusively, why does it seem like they forget about their friends?

I’ve been guilty of it and I’m sure many other have too. But why does it happen?

 Three arguments come to mind – I don’t necessarily believe all three but I think that I’ve definitely thought about them at one point or another.

Romantic relationships are more important to us than friendships.

How much more emphasis is there in our society on relationships than friendships? If I try to think of 5 love songs off the top of my head I can easily, but I struggle to do the same for songs about friendships. Face it people, we love love. It gives us a thrill that cannot compete with the satisfaction a friend gives us, not to mention other physical benefits that come with romantic relationships.

From an evolutionary perspective, romantic relationships are more desirable because they satisfy our need to procreate and further our species. Friendships don’t really have an evolutionary purpose if you really think about it.

Romantic relationships take more effort than friendships, so when someone enters one they end up losing friends in order to make up for the time they need to maintain their new relationship.

I read an article about a news report from the British Science Festival where they figured when a person (this goes for both men and women) adds a new relationships they drop 2 friends (read the article for more info). They attribute this loss to the limited ability of human beings to maintain a certain amount of close relationships in their life at a time. So maybe our brains just cannot manage a significant other and keep all the friends they had when they were single.

Friendships are just fillers for what we really want: romance.

If this is true, I will cry. Because friends are really important to me and I don’t want to think of them as “fillers.” But I’ve been guilty of losing friends when gaining a significant other so I can’t really point any fingers at people. All I know is that I’m going to try my best to not do it again. C.S. Lewis brilliantly describes friendship in his book The Four Loves as a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. We need people in our lives who can share our interests besides our significant others. Plus, what are the odds that the person we couple with has all the same interests as us?

My thoughts of the day:

•  Friends are IMPORTANT. For single people and for people in relationships. When you isolate yourself in a relationship with another person you lose touch with reality. Friends make you live longer. So get out of your rabbit hole and remember that there are other people in the world other than your significant other.

•  If you lose your friends while in a relationship and then expect them to be there when you break up, you’re an idiot.
  
•  Keeping in touch with people really isn’t that hard, especially now that we have facebook, texting, cell phones, email….we really have no excuse for losing touch except that we are lazy.

It’s hard to find good friends people, so cherish the ones you have.

+ [plus] a boy[girl]friend… - [minus]friends. Do the math.

It's Not Just Between Your Legs: The Brain and Sex

Not just between your legs, But also between your ears….

Sex. It’s a touchy subject in the neck of the woods I grew up in. Throughout my childhood and adolescence sex was not a topic that was discussed very often (well at least with one of my parents, who will remain nameless). Sex was almost a taboo in my household as a child. I wasn’t allowed to listen to music with sexual undertones (hence the hiding of my Alanis Morrissette cassette tapes!). I felt very awkward watching any movies with any type of sex or kissing in it, mostly with one of my parents (the one who shall remain nameless - although if you know me, it’s not so anonymous, haha). I even felt uncomfortable watching the little mermaid kiss Prince Eric. Yup.  And of course, growing up in a very conservative Christian environment led to more awkwardness about sex. This may explain my fascination with all things related to male/female interaction. So you can thank my upbringing for “It’s Up to Us!”

As a result of a recent presentation I did in a grad school class about what happens in the brain during sex, I felt compelled to share this information with all of you out there because I thought it was fascinating.

So here we go. I apologize in advance if this is still a “touchy” subject for you, but I have a feeling this won’t be the last article about sex. =]

What becomes activated during sex?

The most important parts of the brain that are actively involved during sex are located in the Limbic System (Diagram here!).

The Limbic system houses parts of the brain like the amydgala (associated with fear/anxiety), hippocampus (memory), and the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is a big important one. It is involved with releasing the sex hormones. And when the levels of the sex hormones fall, so does sexual desire. Another MAJOR part of the brain and sex is something called the nucleus accumbens. This is the brain’s “pleasure center.” I found it very interesting that this center is also associated with addictions such as nicotine and caffeine. Sex activates that same pleasurable feeling that cigarettes and coffee give to some. Wanna quit smoking? Start sexin’ it up! :)

Orgasm is Good For you!

Yes, it is. 

I can’t reiterate it any other way, it is simply good for you and the research is out there to support it. When a person orgasm’s, the brain shoots out a major dose of dopamine which is a neurochemical that activates the reward circuit and makes us oh so happy! To calm the dopamine down and grant sexual satisfaction, the hormone oxytocin (see prior blog post) is then released into the blood stream. The oxytocin counter-affects the dopamine and as I’ve talked about in past posts can initiate a bond between partners, depending on the circumstances.

Important thing for females (and males to note) about female orgasm:

Women have to be relaxed and unstressed to achieve it. If a woman is not completely anxious-free, it won’t happen. However, this does not apply to men (figures). Research indicates that in order for a woman to get where she needs to be, the amygdala (fear/anxiety part of the brain) needs to be deactivated. Fancy that!

So women, relax away and let it happen. You don’t need a man for it either :)

One last little tid bit...

Did you know that…

Men have on average ten to one hundred times more testosterone than women?

So basically, women have testosterone, or else they wouldn’t be able to do it at all. But men have TESTOSTERONE. So we really can’t blame them for thinking about it all the time. Sorry ladies.  

The sex-related centers in the male brain are actually about two times larger than the same structures in the female brain.

 No joke – this was a new one for me. Size does matter (!) - When it comes to the male brain, that is! The brain areas that women have dedicated to sex are smaller than they are for men, and this can start developing in boys 8 weeks after conception! So I would like to apologize to the men in my life for getting mad at them for thinking and talking about sex all the time.

I can’t argue with biology.

Ta ta, for now friends! I’d like to hear your thoughts, or if you have any suggestions for future posts let me know!

It's Not Just Between Your Legs: The Brain and Sex